Connection Points: No official scorecard

Wow! The Connection Points concept has really caught the interest of many of the readers of this blog. This post and the "The Texas Sexperiment" one seem to be the posts most consistently referenced by friends and family that I've been connecting with in the last few weeks.

Through conversation, I've come to realize that there is a critical aspect of the Connection Points game that needs to be further clarified. So, here it goes...

There is no scorecard © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
The act of giving and receiving Connection Points is symbolic. By giving a Connection Point to your partner you're simply saying, "this behavior or action that we are doing together makes me feel connected to you. I think it might be nice to do more things like this in the future." You don't keep score. The points aren't redeemable for something down the road.

Of course, you can tweak the game however you wish. An official scorecard could be an element that you and your partner integrate into your relationship. In my opinion, however, adding this element into the mix adds levels of complexity and competition into the "game" that have the potential of stripping the fun and lightheartedness of it all away. But, to each his own...if this works for you, run with it.

To that end, I'm running out to have some connection time with my sweetie. We are finally back in the same city and I just finished up my last project for the year yesterday. Vacation has begun and I'm looking forward to making the most of it.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Five (Pragmatic) Tips to a Happy Marriage: Part 3

Now to step four and five to a happy marriage...

Step 4: Make Peace, Not War
Dr. Joy Brown suggests that you choose a day each week to sit down and talk with you spouse. This can become the time for you to air any concerns that you have about your relationship before these issue becomes major ones and get blown out of proportion.

Step 5: Go on dates
This is a big one. I think it's so important to break away from the pressures of everyday life and make a conscious effort to focus on your spouse. Going out on a date shakes things up. I like that! I'm looking forward to a date night myself this weekend. My hubby gets to town on Thursday. Yeah!

Five (Pragmatic) Tips to a Happy Marriage: Part 2

Picking up from yesterday's post, let's talk about the third step to a happy marriage.

Step 3: Pull out a happy face
According to Parade magazine, this means:

Keep a picture of the two of you at your happiest and look at it whenever you’re annoyed with one another.

My computer back splash used to be reserved for a picture of Adriano and I from our most recent vacation (all of which we have a blast on). Recently though, my new niece, Analise, has taken that spot. I only get to see her every few months, so it helps with the in between times!

I've been missing those constant reminders of mine and Adriano's past vacations though. I've been wanting to make some kind of photo wall in our house, but have hesitated. I'm very particular on style. However, I recently saw a picture in the Winter issue of O at Home that I thought could match my personal style and desire for clean lines, while making sure mine and Adriano's happy faces are displayed and become a daily reminder of why we love one another. I thought I'd share the picture. (You'll notice the staples in the corner of the picture. Yes, I make scrapbooks of home decorating ideas that I like!) Maybe it'll help to get your creative juices flowing. Enjoy!

Five (Pragmatic) Tips to a Happy Marriage: Part 1

My friend Judy sent me a article this morning called Five Steps to a Happy Marriage. The five steps are things that you've likely heard before, but maybe not things you actively give attention to on a daily or weekly basis. I thought I'd spend the next couple of posts sharing some practical ideas on how to realize the five steps referred to in the article.

Step 1: Communicate your goals
Years ago I read this book called The Family CFO: The Couple's Business Plan for Love and Money by Mary Claire Allvine and Christine Larson. In the book, Mary Claire and Christine encourage their readers to sit down with their partner and a stack of index cards. Each person is to write life goals that are important to them on the index cards. You should have one goal per card.

Once each partner is finished writing out their goals, you are to share them with one another. You then, as a couple, prioritize (in a sequential fashion) your goals to know how to leverage, use and structure your finances to be in a position to better achieve the goals that you've determined, as a couple, to be worth your attention.

The exercise is designed around two assumptions. One, it's not really possible to direct your attention to more than a couple of goals at one time. And two, even though you may have great communication with your partner, you may not have a great understanding of which of their goals are most important to them.

Adriano and I did this exercise and found it to be really useful. We were both surprised a little bit about what did and didn't make it into each other's stack of index cards. For instance, we've talked about buying rental properties for years. This is more important to Adriano then I. This goal made it into his stack and didn't into mine. He was surprised by this because when we've talked about it in the past, I've been on board with the idea. I still am, but of all the other goals that are important to me, this falls lower on the list. However, I know it could be beneficial to the financial security of our family, so I am willing to pursue this goal as a family. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

In the first round of doing this exercise, the goal of purchasing rental properties never made it into the first 3-5 slots, so we haven't pursued it. We are due for another goal planning session though. Maybe this will be something we tackle over the holidays.

The take away here is that it's impoartant to be talking about your goals. But even more essential, in my opinion, is that, as a couple, you need to decide which goals deserve to be pursued first, second, third, etc. Not only does a conversation like this align each of you, ensuring that you collectively use your finite resources of money and time appropriately, but it also ensures that each partner feels heard and not slighted if their goal(s) are not actively being pursued at the moment.

If my memory serves me right, I think Mary Claire and Christine suggested that this exercise be something that you and your partner do every 6 months or so. Like I said, Adriano and I are overdue. I'm excited to revisit this over the holidays though. Last time this exercise spurred a great deal of conversation and was a great "connecting" experience. I suspect the same will be true again.

Step 2: Learn to "like" your mate
If you refer back to the Parade article mentioned above, the first three sentences under Step 2 are the following:

Loving someone is a gift. Liking someone is more pragmatic. Tell your spouse something that you like about him or her every day.

Being specific about why you like or love someone makes you have to actively think about the positive attributes of that person. I wrote a post, I love you because..., about this point earlier in the week. Adriano and I have been telling each other why we love each other specifically each day since I wrote that post. I can tell you...it's been a beautiful way to start each day.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Marriage Checkup: ABC talks about the NIH grant

Back in mid-November I wrote about the "Marriage Check-up." ABC picked up the story about the NIH funded grant yesterday and did a spot on it. You can watch the video here.

Getting a Marriage Check-up seems like a good idea to me. My only question is, what does an annual visit to a therapist mean? Are we talking one visit one time a year or a month worth of visits for a whole year? One visit one time per year sounds great. Who couldn't benefit from that?! If it's more than one (unless, of course, a major issue surfaces), I hesitate. It seems like too much work, especially if you're communicating with your spouse regularly and there doesn't seem to be a problem. Spending the cash and time to go to a marriage counselor for a month seems excessive. Would love to hear other people's take on this, but this is my initial reaction. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Regardless, it seems like a marriage counselor could create a niche for themselves in this area if he/she wanted. What a great way to drive business! The first session, the actual "check-up", (please note that this is one session in my mind) is 1/2 off. Get the check-up. Find out what's not working, then pay the big bucks to have someone help you fix it. It seems like a great way to create new clientèle in a manner that offers true value to its user (the husband and wife seeking counseling).

Of course, this is all contingent on whether or not there is a reliable assessment of what the true health of a relationship is from the start. I believe this is what Dr. James Cordova is working on. I'm interested in checking out his book, The Marriage Checkup: A Program for Sustaining and Strengthening Marital Health, when it's released in Spring 2009.

To be continued...

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

I love you because...

I was chatting with my Aunt Connie over the holiday break about the blog and she told me this beautiful story of a woman in her church. I loved it so much that I thought I'd share it with all of you.

My aunt's friend and her husband tell each other every day why they love each other before they leave their home. They give each other a kiss and simply say, "I love you because..." Saying "I love you" isn't sufficient as far as they are concerned as these words alone can too easily become rote and begin to loose their meaning. By adding the "...because..." to the end of "I love you," each of them has to actively start their day with positive images and thoughts of their partner and their relationship.

I think this is so simple and honestly just so beautiful. So, since my sweetie often times reads my blog posts before we get a chance to talk with one another in the day (we're in separate countries and in different time zones at the moment)...

Adriano, © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
I love you because you know how to leverage technology to make sure that we stay "connected" to one another even though we are 1000s of miles apart right now. I love sending and receiving emails from you throughout the day, sending pictures back and forth and chatting with you on the phone at night. In no way are these substitutes to spending physical time together, but our use of technology while we are apart keeps the feelings that I have for you alive, building the anticipation to when we can physically be in the same location again. I can't wait to see you in a few weeks honey!

Beijos (Kisses),
Bri

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Maybe the "drunk in love" feeling can last forever

Over the holiday weekend I've been getting caught up on my magazine reading. The November issue of Oprah magazine had an interesting article about how neuroscience may ultimately change the way we live.

Apparently neuroscientists can tell via MRI scans if you're "in like" or "in love." A team, comprised of a psychologist, anthropologist and neuroscientist, has been studying how a person's brain responds to photographs of a new lover versus a familiar, neutral person in their lives. They've found that when presented with photos of a new lover, a person's brain releases dopamine, creating a "hooked" state that is similar in characteristic to what is experienced by an addict, needing a constant flow of alcohol or drugs. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Sounds crazy, right? Maybe not so. As people date and become more familiar and comfortable with one another this "hooked" state dissipates, as brain systems associated with attachment increase in activity. I can tell you from personal experience that I don't feel that "drunk in love," where the whole room disappears kind of feeling about Adriano anymore. Yet, I do remember that emotional high very vividly and on some days wish I could feel it again.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'd still take what I have today over that feeling (which can be very fleeting) any day. But to those "head over heels" emotional seekers, there's hope that you can continue to get that high with a life long love. It all comes down to communication.

The scientists conducting this study were convinced that this passionately "in love," "hooked" state could not be sustained after a relationship developed until they widened their sample and started scanning couples who had been married for 10 to 20 years. Only a small percentage of the people scanned still had that "hooked" state response to images of their spouse. When the scientists drilled down further they found that these people make an effort to do exciting things together, have great communication in their relationship and aren't personally anxious or depressed.

So, I'd say this is the prescription for all. What exciting activity are you going to plan with your spouse this month? How are you going to make efforts to improve your communication as a couple? And what do you need to do for yourself personally to make you feel more fulfilled as an individual? I think we all could gleam some insight by asking ourselves these questions on a frequent basis.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Hard questions: If answer "yes," need to talk ASAP

An interesting thing has happened since I started writing this blog. The conversations I'm having with my girlfriends about their relationships have been more open. We're discussing what we feel each of us is good at in our relationships and what we feel we could improve on. We're learning from each other about what to do, what to try and what not to do and bonding in the process. I love it!

I've had a number of these relationship-based conversations in the last week (now that I'm Stateside again) and a common theme is emerging...talking about the big issues is hard. Many of my girlfriends are in extremely healthy relationships with wonderful men. And for most of the time, they're on the same page, seeing eye to eye with their mate on most of the major issues or decisions regarding how they'll lead their life, raise their children, etc. So, when an issue arises where it's pretty clear that their viewpoints are differing, both they and their husband's are thrown for a loop. They realize that, as a couple, they've not sufficiently developed their communication skills to know how best to handle this sticky and potentially confrontational issue. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
This is not going to become a post regarding how to handle these issues, but rather a post regarding three issues that most certainly cannot be ignored, swept under the rug for another day. A post from the Online Divorce Blog caught my eye today as these issues have been mentioned in some form or manner in the conversations that I've had with girlfriends in the last week. The author, Gary Kelly, asks three questions:

• Do you both agree on the amount of sexual activity in your relationship?
• Do you both argue and not talk to one another for a couple of days?
• Do you take separate vacations?

If you've answered "yes" to any of the questions above, you need to sit down with your partner to have a heart to heart ASAP. What are the underlying issues causing you two to hold grudges for days or to take separate vacations? And if you don't share the same sexual desires, what compromises can you both make to be certain that each of you feels as though you're being heard, respected and fulfilled?

Ignoring these issues, if you've answered "yes" to any of the questions above, is not wise. Today you have the power to "right" a wrong. Once you've progressed from somewhat discontent to full out unhappy you've crossed into territory that's hard to return from. It's certainly not impossible, but the amount of effort is ten-fold.

So, bottom line, communicate, communicate, communicate. I don't feel that this mantra can ever fail you.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

How "in" to going to party "x" are you?

As the holidays approach, we'll all likely have more obligations with family, friends and co-workers than we'd maybe like. Many events will be great fun. Yet, I'm sure there will be at least a few where you'll feel like you'd rather stay home or at least do something else. Truth is, sometimes you can avoid certain events and other times you can't, but regardless it's always good to get a read on how "in" to attending the event you and your spouse are.

In doing some research a few weeks ago about communication tools, I came across this post sharing a few different techniques to help you and you partner quantify how "in" to doing an activity each of you are. Hardly do I think these are techniques that you need to exercise towards every invitation in your life, but they do come in handy when one or both of you is a bit ho-hum about attending something.

Case in point, a few weeks ago, Adriano and I were invited to a happy hour event that a client of his was hosting. By the time we had met up for the evening, it was pretty late (maybe 8:30pm). I would have gone to the event had it been something super important to Adriano, but was also equally happy not to go. We were having his parent's over to the house for breakfast the next morning, we had no food in the house and the grocery stores closed at 10pm. We were under a time crunch. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
After the third round of, "I don't know...do you want to go? I'll go if you want to go," I broke out Sandra Aldrich’s "Creative Numbers Technique." You can read more details about the technique in the link above, but here is a brief synopsis form her book, Men Read Newspapers, Not Minds

“While trying to make a decision as to whether to attend a family event”, this lady’s (Sandra's friend) “husband’s gentle resignation” caught her attention. As she pondered the dilemma, she turned the invitation over and drew a chart—5 squares in a row, numbered from 1-5. Then she labeled each square:

#1. I really don’t want to do this.

#2. I don’t want to do this, but I’m willing to talk about it.

#3. I don’t care one way or another.

#4. I’d like to do this, but I won’t die if we don’t.

#5. Yes, this is very, very important to me.

This lady’s husband surprised her with how strong he felt on the issue because he didn’t appear to have such strong feelings on the matter. After discussing the subject further, they came up with a plan that made them both agreeably happy with the decision. And as Sandra shares, “That good bonding time would never have happened if she hadn’t come up with a better way to communicate with her husband."

In the end, Adriano and I did not go to the party. My number was a #2 and his was a #3. Instead we went grocery shopping and were much more relaxed come Saturday morning than we would have been otherwise.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

High Point/ Low Point: An example

I received an email this morning asking for some more detail regarding the "High Point/ Low Point" communication framework. So, I thought I'd share what my highs and lows were for yesterday as an example.



As you can see, it being cold in Chicago is hardly a truly depressing thing. It's cold. So what? What can I tell you...it was my low point of yesterday. With that said, I'd say yesterday was a pretty darn good day. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Your high points can be something that made you laugh, such as a special moment with your wife/husband/child/friend, something positive that happened at work, or an exciting purchase. And your low points are things that have made you upset or disappointed in some way, such as receiving an unexpected bill in the mail, having a negative conversation with a friend, experiencing frustrations related to a project at work or a burned turkey at Thanksgiving (hopefully that doesn't happen to any of you!).

Each day the highs and lows are relative to only one another and not to the days before them. Each day is its own day. And each day has a high point and a low point.

Adriano and I had a 20 minute conversation yesterday related specifically to our highs and lows. So much conversation coming from simply sharing five points (my three and his two) is the power of a simple framework for communication.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

The Texas Sexperiment

Last Sunday, a Texas preacher sat on a bed near his pulpit and gave his fellowship a challenge for the week. Those married parishioners were to have sex at least once a day for the next seven days. ABC's Good Morning America checked in today with some of the parishioners of the church to know how the challenge has affected their connectivity and intimacy with one another over the last week. Interesting stuff...

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

High Point/ Low Point

What was the highlight (high point) of your day? What was the low point?

This is a communication game that Adriano and I have been playing for a couple of years now. You have to identify a high point and a low point in your day to share with your partner...no excuses. The question is not, "What's your highest High Point of the week, month or year?" No. The question is, "What was your High Point for today?" You have to choose something to share, even if it's not something that rocked your world for the day. The same goes for the Low Point. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
We've found this communication framework to be really effective. The simplicity of it draws out conversation even if we've come home exhausted from work and can't quite figure out what we want to communicate first, if anything, with each other. By asking these two questions, we get a pretty good indication of all that each other has dealt with for the day. We're then able to more effectively support one another, whether that means giving each other a hug, space, doing something fun together, not feeling dejected if one of us wants to go to bed early, whatever. And the best benefit of all...we feel much more connected to one another once we've shared our day in a holistic fashion by touching on both the high points and the low points of it.

For those who might be skeptical, take on this challenge. Play "High Point/ Low Point" with your spouse or partner for a week. Then go back to simply asking, "How was your day?" I guarantee that you'll find you share more when you have a framework probing you for information, even if the framework is as simplistic as "High Point" and "Low Point."

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

The silver lining of a downturned economy: Divorce rates are decreasing

Yahoo had an interesting video posted on their site yesterday about how the downturn of the economy is affecting divorce rates. Apparently, people that once maybe would have been quick to divorce are having to put on the brakes. The costs associated with divorce are just too expensive at a time when people are loosing their jobs, 401Ks, etc.

People are being forced to stick it out. And this might just be the silver lining of a bad economy. A report by the Center for Marriage and Family found that "among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later." © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
The question is, how did these couples turn things around? What contributed to them becoming happier and more fulfilled by one another in the long term? Another article posted at Couples Company states that these couples were able to avoid divorce because they:

• Outlasted their conflicts rather than resolving them. Many stresses connected to children, finances, job problems, depression and even affairs just eased on their own.
  
  
• Worked on their relationship. They resolved conflicts, improved communication and found more effective ways to navigate through problematic areas.
  
  
• Found ways to improve their personal happiness through other interests and outlets that were not harmful to their marriage. This in essence lowered the partners' expectations of each other to be the only source of happiness.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Marriage Checkup

I came across a very interesting article today in Psych Central (thanks to Google Alerts). James Cordova, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Ma., has been conducting a research project on a new program that he's developed called the "Marriage Checkup."

What is a Marriage Checkup you ask? According to Cordova:

Essentially the marriage checkup is the marital health equivalent of the annual physical or the every six-month dental visit.

He's conducting a controlled test to know how effective the Marriage Checkup is in helping couples maintain more healthy and satisfying relationships. I think it's an interesting method and one I'm curious to know more about. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

There is a lot on the market to help the new couples starting their marriages and many services to help couples once they find themselves in crisis mode. Cordova's method falls right in the in-between space. It's about detecting problems early before they get to crisis stage. Interesting stuff.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Why I love being married: Part 5

#7: We have a lot of fun together
We are always joking, laughing, and making fun of one another. Adriano truly is my best friend and the comfort level between us gives credence to this.

#8: I still find myself thinking, "He's hot!"
So, you know there is no risk of him just becoming just my roommate. : ) I always find him good looking, but there are those special moments where I find myself looking at him and I see him differently than I did that morning, or even ten minutes ago. I see him like I'm meeting him for the first time again and thinking, "Damn, you're hot," just like I did back then. That makes me smile.

#9, #10, #11... © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Really, I could go on and on and on, but I'm sure you'd get bored sooner rather than later if I did.

The reason I wrote about why I love being married this week was to bring focus to the point that marriage should be fun and not all work. But no one can deny that marriage isn't easy. It takes constant vigilance from both partners to continually nurture and protect your love.

Take some time this weekend to celebrate all the reasons why you love your partner and your relationship. I know I'm going to!

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For other reasons why I love being married:
Points #1 and #2
Points #3 and #4
Point #5
Point #6

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Why I love being married: Part 4

#6: We're a team
I don't believe in "traditional roles" for men and women. In my opinion, these "roles" of the breadwinner versus the caretaker and the hunter versus the gatherer should have all gone out the window the second women went into the workforce. It's unrealistic to think that women can go to work all day, then alone be expected to clean the house, cook dinner, take care of their children, do the grocery shopping, keep in touch with the family, help the kids with their homework, pay the bills, make the weekend plans...man, I'm getting exhausted just writing the list. And the sad part is, this is an extremely abbreviated list of what most woman do on a daily basis in their "off hours." (Sorry guys, the results of the US Department of Labor's 2006 American Time Use Survey quantifies the reality that, yes, women tend to do more at home than men.) © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

In my opinion, this is unacceptable. I think you have to be a team at getting all of this stuff done. Even if you have the capacity to "do it all," I'd be willing to bet you're not "doing it all" without brooding some resentment. I can tell you with full disclosure that when Adriano's not doing his fair share, I get pretty ticked off. Then, we need to have a "discussion."

I see our partnership as a team effort and thankfully he feels the same way. Sure, we gravitate towards specific tasks that he does and then others that I do and then share in the tasks that neither one of us particularly loves to do on a daily basis, like cooking. This daily stuff isn't planned out and score isn't taken. It's more of a subjective read of whether we are both putting in our 50% to keep our life, home and relationships moving forward. If all is good, no "discussion" is needed. If something gets off-kilter, we need to reset expectations. Generally this works pretty well.

Now, for some of the bigger events or projects that we've embraced in our lives together, such as getting married, buying our house, doing construction on our house, moving to Brazil, etc. this loose approach doesn't work. We have to be more formal by actually appointing one of us as Project Manager for that activity. (Yes, we actually have a discussion about this. And yes, I know it seems a little ridiculous, but trust me on this one...it saves so many disagreements and hurt feelings later down the road. We've tried it the informal way. It doesn't work for us.)

When you are Project Manager, it's all on you. You're responsible for managing the time line of the project, organizing the logistics, making sure that everyone is where they are suppose to be when they are suppose to be there, and, most importantly, you're responsible for asking for your partners help and opinion when you need it. Beyond these points of delegation or consultation, your partner is allowed to be hands off. He/She can forget about the "project" and focus on life's daily demands or the other project that he/she is currently managing for your family. And the person managing the "project" is given the freedom and space to do it in a way that works for them.

I'd be lying if I said that we always work harmoniously as a team in dealing with life's demands. We don't and as I said above, this is where the "discussion" comes in play. What we do have though is a genuine interest in approaching life as a team and this goes a long way for making it "safe" for us to have those discussions when one of us feels taken advantage of.

I know a lot of woman that "do it all." Generally that means that they are doing a lot to take care of other people, but nobody is taking care of them. Call me stubborn, but when I signed up to have a partner in marriage, I read in the job description that I'd have a partner in life. I expect this and demand this and thankfully Adriano is on the same page. We truly are a team. And I love this about him and our relationship. It's not a burden. It's a joy.

--------------------------
For other reasons why I love being married:
Points #1 and #2
Points #3 and #4
Point #5

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Why I love being married: Part 3

#5: He's a brownie © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
I've had a theory for years that I refer to as "brownie versus cheesecake." No, I'm not talking about dessert (but honestly, how yummy would a gooey chocolate brownie be right now!) What I'm talking about is relationships, and more specifically the drama quotient of a relationship.

With "brownies" come minimal drama. They are consistent, reliable, predictable and generally pretty low key and easy. "Cheesecakes" on the other hand are temperamental, unreliable, unpredictable and generally just over complicated. (For those who are wondering, my metaphorical references here relate to how difficult it is to bake brownies versus cheesecakes.)

So, back to my theory...a relationship with a "cheesecake", in my opinion, is doomed for failure. From my past, these are the guys that I was so enamored with because they was sooooo philosophical, introspective and mysterious. Yet they were also "flip floppers." One day they'd be totally in to me and the next day I'd feel like I'd need to create a three-ring circus in black lingerie and high heels in order to get noticed. Stated simply, these relationships were just way too much work and generally not satisfying. I spent more time feeling bad about myself, agonizing about what I didn't seem to have or to be doing to make the relationship "work" than I did in feeling enriched by having this person in my life.

A common thread across all my "cheesecake" relationships was that I always felt like I was chasing. I was chasing the guy, hoping that I could find the magic formula that would make him want to be with me, make him love me. Well, obviously this is unhealthy, but ironically a cycle that's hard to break despite it's unhealthiness. Thank God in each case the guy or myself eventually came to our senses and broke things off.

Now to the "brownies"...yes, let's collectively breathe a sigh of relief....ahhhh. This relationship is just so much easier. There is no chasing. There is no mystery on whether he will like me today, tomorrow or a week from now. He's consistent, forthcoming and real.

Adriano is my "brownie" through and through and I love this about him. We have no drama in our relationship. What you see is what you get and there is nothing more refreshing than that. It's predictable. Every day I can expect that he will love me, build me up and support my dreams and goals. I know that he is there to be my sounding board and I don't have to gauge "his mood" before deciding which content to disclose to him.

This reliability, in my opinion, is the foundation on which two people can really begin to develop a closeness to one another. Without it, you'll always be at an arm's length, trying to gauge on a daily basis whether your actions will be deemed "acceptable" today. Everybody deserves more than to be second guessing themselves in a relationship. In my opinion, everybody deserves a brownie.

---------------------
Points #1 and 2 regarding why I love being married can be found at Monday's post. Points #3 and 4 can be found in yesterday's post.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Why I love being married: Part 2

Points #1 and #2 were written about in yesterday's post. Please check them out if you haven't already. Now, onto points #3 and #4...

Why I love being married | #3: He honors my need for coffee and silence in the morning and undisturbed weekend mornings
There is nothing worse than to have your "entrance into the day" disrupted. It leaves you in a bad mood all day, feeling groggy and just overly irritated. Adriano gets that I need coffee and quiet for at least 20 minutes each morning before I'm ready to engage with the world. He respects and honors this need and I love him all the more for that. I can assure you, it certainly improves the quality of our relationship. : )

Similarly, he knows how I hate being woken up on the weekends and despise getting up before 8:30am come Saturday and Sunday. He's generally ready and raring to go come 7:00am, so he finds this quite inconvenient at times. Yet, again he generally respects and honors this need of mine and figures out some way to play quietly while I continue to sleep on. Thanks honey! © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

#4: He's the only thing that remains constant in my mind when I think of the future
Granted, we'll change as people, as will our relationship as time passes, but when I think of the future I see him and a child (that is yet to exist). Everything else is a blur. Of course I have long-term goals for other things in my life, such as my company, writing projects, etc. But the thing is, these things are unknowns...they may stay constant or life may change in such a way that their importance or significance in my life may diminish over time.

I don't consider Adriano to be an "unknown." I'm sure we'll go through our hard times, just as any married couple does. But I feel confident that regardless of what we are up against, that we'll find resolution to our issues in a manner that is mutually agreeable to the both of us.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Why I love being married: Part 1

When I first started writing this blog, I had no idea how much I would enjoy it. It's been so fun for me to receive your immediate reactions to the posts either via the comments section of the blog or through email. Please, keep it coming! All your feedback will shape the content of this blog in some manner or form, I promise.

Case in point, I received a couple emails over the weekend in response to some of the posts of last week. The common thread between the two emails was the belief that marriage also needs to be about having fun, allowing for spontaneity and time to just goof off together without having to over think everything. I couldn't agree more.

Reflecting on what I've written over the last two weeks, it struck me that someone not that familiar with mine and Adriano's relationship might think it seems like just too much work. After all, there seems to be an awful lot of planning, discussing, and more planning that happens. Where's the fun?! Do we have fun?

Of course we do! We actually have a lot of fun together, from the things we do to the inside jokes that we have with one another. Simply stated, marriage is a wonderful thing. And I thank God every day for bringing Adriano into my life. I can't imagine my life without him and truly believe that I am a better person in the world with him than I likely could be without him. My life is full of fun and love with Adriano.

So, in honor of the good, fun, light-hearted and just beautiful parts of being married, I thought this week we could take a reprieve from talking about communication methods for protecting and nurturing that love to share the reasons why we love being married in the first place. So, I'll start. Again, I would love some participation here. Trust me, it'll be a lot more fun if we get some different perspectives than just my own.

Why I love being married | #1: Less planning
I totally love to plan (as you all are well aware of by now.) And so does Adriano. But, honestly, much of the planning that happened before we got married was mentally exhausting and rather unproductive. We were constantly planning two routes, the road we took together and the separate paths we'd each take in the event that things didn't work out. Now granted, we weren't talking about both plans. There was the plan in the foreground, which was the plan that accounted for the needs and perspectives of the two of us. This is the plan that we talked about and worked on together. But, regardless of whether we talked about it or not, we always had the bail out plan, the plan in the background that involved only me or only him. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Had you asked me even a month before we got married if I (we) did this, I'm not sure that I could have answered the question. It was only on our honeymoon did I notice that I did it constantly because suddenly I wasn't doing it anymore and haven't done it since. After our wedding, there was a weight that came off the shoulders and a new sense commitment that I felt towards our relationship. I love this feeling of being in it together through thick and thin. Which brings me to my second reason as to why I love being married.

#2: I get to have my best friend around all the time
Adriano is always there for me and I for him. When it's time to celebrate, I've got someone there immediately. When I'm sick, I have someone to take care of me. When I'm feeling all cuddly, I've got someone there to cuddle with. When I need a kick in the pants to get moving on something, he's there to push me in the right direction. You get where I'm going with this...he is there to experience every aspect of life with me. He knows what I like, what I don't like, my strengths, my weakness, and we've always got each others back. Who can't love having a protector, a support and a confidant all in one person? And to top it off, my best friend just happens to be the same person I get to hug, kiss and snuggle up to. There's nothing better in my book!

OK, this is just a start. More tomorrow...

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

What's the cost of mediocrity in marriage?

Seth Godin wrote yesterday about the "Sad lie of mediocrity." He states:

Doing 4% less does not get you 4% less.

Doing 4% less may very well get you 95% less.

That's because almost good enough gets you nowhere. No sales, no votes, no customers. The sad lie of mediocrity is the mistaken belief that partial effort yields partial results. In fact, the results are usually totally out of proportion to the incremental effort.

Seth's perspective on mediocrity was positioned more from the angle of what's the cost of mediocrity in business. But I think the same principles can apply to our personal relationships, especially one as intimate as a marriage.

I don't think most people enter into a marriage thinking, "This guy or gal is great and I'm going to do just enough to keep them happy and not an ounce more." Rather people enter into good faith marriages saying this guy or gal is so important to me that I can't imagine going through life without them. So where does the love get lost? How does the commitment that you attested to on your wedding day become less of a priority? I think many people have a hard time distinguishing the difference between "love" and "marriage."

"Love" is not the same thing as "Marriage"
"Love" is what we see in the movies. It's what is romanticized for us from the day we are born. Remember Cinderella and her prince and Beauty and the Beast? In each of these stories (and in the endless number of movies with the theme of boy meets girl), the characters find promise, inspiration and interest in one another. When they look into each other's eyes, the music swells and the birds start singing. "Love" is in their heart, shining so bright that it can barely be contained within the body.

I'm sure you have some of your own Hollywood-worthy encounters to report if you reflect on your experiences. A snapshot of one from mine and Adriano's life involves the first few days that we met. There was such connection between the two of us that when we began to talk literally everyone else in the room seized to exist. We were in a vortex, drunk on each other and so definitely in to one another.

But this vortex doesn't last and "love" at that point in the relationship can and should be probably referred to more as "lust." Regardless of the technical term, there's no denying that it's a powerful feeling...the butterflies in the stomach when a kiss is shared, the giggles that can't be contain because you're so excited to be together and the intense longing that one feels when the other person is not around. But, as anyone who's been in a committed relationship for any period of time knows, these initial phases of "love" are that...initial phases.

"Love" grows to be something deeper than "butterflies in the stomach." That "love of your life" becomes your constant companion, someone that you can rely on for support in situations of good and bad and in sickness and in health. It's these growing feelings of pride and respect for that individual that eventually drive you to make the choice to get married.

But the key difference between "love" and "marriage" is that "love" will always somewhat exist in isolation. Only you and your partner are allowed. Unfortunately, that's not the case for your marriage.

Many people will have opinions regarding whether you have a good or a bad marriage and whether the choices that you are making in your marriage today are the right choices to be made to secure a lasting marriage. For instance, I'm sure a number of people in mine and Adriano's life have made bets against how long we'll stay together, citing the fact that we spend approximately 6 months a year apart as a detrimental choice to the longevity of our relationship. I know my grandmother for certain has already cited this as a major concern of hers and many of my mother's patients (she's a dental hygienist) have already provided their two cents on the issue as well. I don't even know the majority of her patients.

Other people's opinions is just the tip of the iceberg of what your marriage needs to endure. Probably even more threatening are the obligations of your everyday. We have to realize that when we make the choice to stay at work the extra hour to answer email, that we are making the choice to not spend time with our spouse or family. When we decide to accept five invitations with other people for the weekend, whether our spouse is involved or not, we are consciously making the choice to not give ourselves completely to our spouse and likely sacrificing that intimate connection that allows us to return our "island of love." (It's a bit of a cheesy term, I realize, but you get where I'm going.)

Every day choices must be made
Life is about choices. Human nature has us respond to the things that are screaming most loudly for our attention while everything else takes a backseat. And frequently I think couples don't create a voice for their relationship within that crowd until complacency and unhappiness has truly settled in for the long-haul. By this point mediocrity has really taken root.

You may still show up for dinner, but there's no conversation. You decide to stay at work hours longer than you probably need to. You drift further and further apart from one another...going through the motions of marriage, but without putting feeling and passion into it, almost never returning to your "island of love." You've essentially given up without declaring that you've resigned.

In my opinion, there is no room for mediocrity in a marriage or a committed relationship of any kind. With no doubt, it's hard to keep all the balls in the air. It really comes down to vigilance and priorities. You can NEVER take your attention off your marriage. It's an asset that can depreciate very, very quickly and could take years to rebuild.

If you have a hard time understanding or visualizing what I'm talking about here, think about what the stock market has done over the last month. For anyone who's had money invested, you've likely lost a lot. To date, I'm in the red for what my initial investments were...not good. It happened fast...one day it was there, the next day it wasn't. Likely things will turn around, but the chances that I'll gain as much as I lost in one's month time is slim to none. More than likely, it'll be 2-3 years before my investments are back up to the level that they were just one month ago.

Your "love" and your "marriage" operates in the same way. Except, unlike the stock market, you have control over the outcomes.

And some references... © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
For those of you who might need some assistance in sorting out your priorities every now and then, I'd suggest that you read Martha Beck's article from the October issue of Oprah Magazine. It discusses a framework for cutting through all the demands of life to really have the energy and time to focus on what truly matters.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

What "true love" means to me

Adriano and I went to see "Nights in Rodanthe" last night in the theaters. It was a good movie, definitely a tearjerker. One line from the movie has stuck with me because I think it simply gets to the core of what "true love" means in my mind.

There's a kind of love that makes you feel like anything is possible.

I truly believe that this is the kind of love that Adriano and I have. I feel like I am a better person with him than I could be without him. I think everyone deserves a partner in life that builds them up when they are down, pushes them to take chances when they'd prefer to be risk adverse, and has the loudest cheer in the crowd when it comes time to celebrate accomplishments and new growths.

And for those of you who were wondering..."Nights in Rodanthe" wouldn't generally be Adriano's first choice for a movie, especially in the theaters. He was looking to score a "Connection Point," which he did. : ) © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Knowing when and how to draw the line

As of last Saturday, Adriano and I have been in Brazil for one year. It's been a hard year, but a good one as well. But, a word to the wise...if anyone tells you that moving to a new country with a spouse is a cinch, they are lying.

I've never moved to a new country solo before. Yet, I suspect that moving to a new country with a spouse offers a much more complicated dynamic to work with than when you are doing it alone. Not only do you get turned upside down and inside out before you find the means to "recenter" yourself, but your relationship does as well.

I won't go into all the challenges that Adriano and I experienced. It's not important any longer as most of its water under the bridge now, one year later. What I do want to do is elaborate on my post from yesterday. I made reference to how Adriano and I have to fight culture on a weekly, some times daily basis, in order to spend "quality time" with one another in Brazil. I'd like to explain this further.

Brazil has a culture that can best be defined as spontaneous. Many things happen at the last minute and very little is planned, especially when it comes to social gatherings. Literally invitations for lunch, movies, dinner, BBQs, etc. come in minutes before you're supposed to be wherever the event is happening. It's someone being extremely respectful of my American heritage to offer an invitation to an event more than 24 hours in advance generally.

For those of you who know me personally, you're probably laughing out loud right now because "planning" is somewhat of a defining characteristic for me. I like to know what my next day looks like before I go to bed the night before. I like to plan out my time in my head, even if I'm planning to "do nothing" for a huge portion of the day.

Well, needless to say, I've had to loosen up a bit...which probably isn't so bad for me. But, I've also had to put my foot down. I've had to draw the line and that line got drawn with "quality time" for Adriano and I.

We didn't have a ton of "quality time" together in Brazil for the first seven months and the lack of that time was greatly affecting the spiritual connection that I felt with him. We might wake up on Saturday morning with the intent to spend the full day together, yet by 10am we had lunch, coffee and dinner plans with other people. As the months passed, I became more than pissed.

In Brazilian culture, spending "quality time" with your significant other isn't something that most people "get" or understand. Everything (and I do mean everything) in Brazil is cause for celebration, so the thought that you might need time alone as a couple is something that is not easily comprehended. And when you try to bow out of engagements because you need that time, people have a hard time giving you that space. It's just not part of the Brazilian cultural framework and for a long time I felt guilty that I couldn't mold to those expectations.

It was after watching the "Sex and the City" movie (I know, it's laughable, but I'd recommend this movie to anyone), that I finally was able to reflect on why I was feeling so uneasy about the direction that our relationship was going.
Envisioning my personal self on a scale, all the way to the left of that scale (Point A) is who I was in the US, before I had the experience of living in Brazil. On the farthest right of that scale (Point B), is what the Brazilian culture wanted me to be, who I tried to become to "fit in." But the person who I am doesn't reside at Point B and can no longer reside at Point A. Rather I'm a hybrid of Point A and B now. That's my true self today. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

The same theory applies to mine and Adriano's relationship. Our relationship had certain routines built into it in Chicago (Point A) and many of those routines didn't exist at Point B (in Brasilia). Well, I loved a lot of those routines. They were opportunities for Adriano and I to connect with one another. So, that's where my foot came down. Adriano and I needed to find our Point C. How were we going to redefine our relationship in Brazil? And that's where the mandate of "quality time" came in.

I told Adriano that every Sunday we were spending time together...alone. We weren't answering the phone, so we wouldn't have the uncomfortable task of declining invitations to lunch, dinner, coffee, etc. Sundays were only for he and I and no one else. I initially got some resistance. True to his Brazilian culture (Adriano was born and raised in Brazil) he was a bit uncomfortable with being so rigid. Why couldn't we just "go with the flow?" Well...because we've been trying to "go with the flow" for seven months and Brianna and Adriano, the couple, are getting lost in the "flow."

It was through one analogy that I was able to make my point most effectively. We put "go to gym" on our calendars because we want to sustain a commitment to our health. When that time is not scheduled into the agenda it becomes another to-do on our list that unfortunately we're often too tired to do at the end of the day. I told him, "If we don't put the same commitment towards our relationship as we do our gym schedule, we can expect that our relationship will also become the thing that we're too tired to deal with at the end of the day." I know, it sounds grim. It is. But this analogy worked. Ever since, Sunday's are ours and any other day of the week that we feel needs to be in order to stay connected. And as far as where other people and events in Brazil fall on Sundays...well, maybe tomorrow. (It's quite liberating to team up on defying culture together!)

So, to just sum up the lessons here...sometimes you need to put your foot down and do what's right for you and your relationship and to hell with what anyone else thinks or wants you to do. And regarding communication tools, analogies can be quite powerful. Adriano couldn't couldn't refute the gym analogy.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Less is more: Focus on what's bothering you most

I started reading a new book yesterday called Perfect Pitch: The Art of Selling Ideas and Winning New Business (Adweek Books). So far I'm really enjoying it. It's all about the art of selling ideas and winning new business. Most of the examples referred to in the text relate to Jon's work experiences at various advertising agencies.

In reading the following passage, it occurred to me that these same principles of good communication for business are also quite relevant for people who are in committed relationships.

To people who work in the advertising business, the theory that single-minded communication works better than that which attempts to communicate a number of ideas simultaneously is far from revolutionary. For decades, Volkswagen's advertising has consistently communicated reliability. Whatever its specific message, whether it be about a desktop computer, a laptop or an iPod, Apple's advertising has always championed creativity. Avis built its reputation–and continues to refocus its communication today–on the line, "We try harder." More recently, a strategy for building milk sales in California based on the idea that you should buy more because it's a real pain in the ass to run out of it, is articulated simply (with no need for further explanation) with the words, got milk?

These are simple ideas, simply stated. But...many clients feel that one idea alone may not be enough to persuade everyone. ...Communicating one idea isn't such a great return on investment–why can't they communicate two? Three? Four? ...After all, there's just so much to say about their product.

...It's an irrefutable truth of communication, whether you are talking to an audience of a million on network television, or an audience of one at your own kitchen table, that the more points you attempt to make, the less your audience will take in. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

So, in short, when you're trying to make a business pitch less is more. And the same holds true for communicating with your partner, especially when you're trying to communicate your position on an issue that causes a sense of conflict in your relationship.

Case in point, back in May I wasn't feeling all that lovey dovey towards Adriano. There were a lot of things that were bothering me...some stuff was factual, other things were made up in my head. It would have been easy to download absolutely everything on him (plus the kitchen sink) and likely I would have received no action had I done that. Instead I took the time to figure out what was the core thing that was bothering me; the thing that if righted might fix how I was feeling about the other things.

When my feelings all got boiled down, the thing that bothered me most was the lack of "quality time" that we had together in Brazil. We don't get enough of it in Brazil by default. Culture and how people live here compete for that time on a daily basis.

Instead of talking to Adriano about all the things that were bothering me at the moment, I started the conversation by saying that I needed more "quality" and alone time with him; that we needed to make this a priority for the health of our relationship. I'm not sure he understood my need at that time, but respected my wishes all the same. Together, we made a strategy for how to carve out "quality time" for one another on a weekly basis, often times defying cultural expectations to do so. Needless to say, we both have greatly enjoyed the more focused time that we've given to one another. And once we got "quality time" back on track, the other issues that were bothering me magically disappeared.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

A prototype: Appeciation Kisses

Remember this scene from the movie "The Break Up" (2006) where Jennifer Aniston screams at Vince Vaughn, "I want you to want to do the dishes!"? Let's face it, nobody wants to do the dishes, cook dinner, make the bed, etc...at least not on a daily basis. But you do it because these chores need to be done and somebody has to do it. If that work is equally shared between the couple, then everyone is happy. If not...well, that's when arguments ensue. Someone ends up feeling unappreciated and taken advantage of. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Generally, Adriano NEVER does the dishes in Brazil. It doesn't bother me incredibly because, frankly, I don't do a ton of housework in Brazil either. (Rafaela, our maid, is a Godsend to me in that department.) Yet, one morning last week he did the dishes, without me having to ask him to do the dishes. It was great! And then I figured out the motive. He was seeking "Connection Points," which, of course, I could not give him. Doing the dishes, while it makes me happy (as it's one less thing that I have to do) is hardly a moment of feeling deeply connected with Adriano. It's not "Connection Points" worthy.

So, it got me thinking...how could I reward Adriano for doing the dishes (or picking up his dirty socks or closing the armor doors after he gets dressed in the morning)? A new game was created..."Appreciation Kisses." The rules are simple. When your spouse does something that makes you happy logistics-wise in your life, you make it a point to give him/her kisses to let them know how happy that action made you. Yes, it's silly, but positive reinforcement goes along way. And nagging doesn't.

I'm not saying that this one works. That's why the post is titled, "A Prototype..." It means it's a work in progress. I encourage you to try it. We're trying it. After a while, let's swap notes. Sound good?

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Someday is not a day of the week

I attended the World Eco 2008 conference in Brasilia, Brazil yesterday. An Australian presenter, Paul Downtown, showed an image of a bulletin board (much like one you'd see in the front yard of your local church or school) with the statement "Someday is not a day of the week" written on it. The significance of this statement for him, of course, is that we cannot further procrastinate on changing the way we live and exist in this world, as our current practices are unsustainable. His point here is that plans need to be made today regarding how to change the course of global warming and climate change, not simply pushed off to "someday" because it's something complicated and more than we want to deal with at the moment. Issues pushed to "someday" rarely get revisit, and if they do, often action taken to address them happens piecemeal in reaction mode versus strategically.

It's my belief that this statement, "Someday is not a day of the week," can and should apply to anything that is of priority to you in your life. And here's some food for thought...maybe everything of importance (big or small) should have a plan.

I know what you're probably thinking...why do we have to be so darn rigid? (Adriano dings me on this sometimes too.) Yet, I still persist because I think this is important. When something has a plan you (1) can stop agonizing over it because you now have a decision about when action will be taken. But, probably even more importantly, (2) you can really analyze what action needs to be taken to fully prepare for that new situation.

Case in point, Adriano and I have been thinking about having a baby. We both feel mentally ready to take on the challenge of parenthood, but situationally it's not the right time. I live in two countries...the US and Brazil. I can hardly leave my niece, Analise, after spending a week with her. There is no way someone could pry me away from own child for weeks at a time. Not to mention, imagine the social stigma that would be attached with that one!

Regardless of all the reasons not to have a baby now, Adriano and I really considered sending all caution to the wind and "taking the plunge." That is, before I said, "let's just do a pros and cons list on this before we make the final decision." Five minutes into the exercise it was clear that we were not having a baby right now. It was a bad decision from every angle of our lives (financially, professionally, and personally). It would have been bad news.

Yet, by doing this exercise, now the conversation was seriously started. If we were making the decision not to have a baby now, then when would we have a baby? What did we need to prepare for to make the process the smoothest as possible for us? What were our goals for this event? © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

For both of us, this is a priority that we've not tabled to "someday," but rather August 2009. That's when I'll stop taking birth control and we'll let God take over from there. Will we revise this date as August nears? Maybe. Life is ever-evolving, right? The important thing is that we've made the commitment to revisit this issue in August of next year and by doing so have inadvertently communicated to one another how important each other's priorities are to us individually.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Developing a business plan for your relationship

In searching for something else today, I came across this post at the Faded Youth blog about Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s marriage. She was quoted as saying, "I’m doing what you might call a business plan in my marriage right now," in the November issue of Cookie.

What struck me as sad in reading the post, were its comments. A few implied that Jada's statement only further solidified in their minds how much her and Will's marriage is a "facade" or a "shame." I found myself shaking my head and thinking to myself, "So, tell me again, why is "working" on your marriage perceived as failure?"

In the business world the greatest leaders are those who are always aware, in touch with the needs of their employees and customers, looking for new directions for their company, and being ready to respond to threats impacting their organization or industry. These people are active leaders and we love them for their pro-activeness. So, why do we not applaud pro-activeness is the same manner in a relationship?

It's unrealistic to think that we'll always be in sync with our partner, that we'll never need to sit down to realign priorities and expectations. Life is ever-evolving and therefore your relationship needs to be as well. Complacency, in my opinion, is a breeding ground for many mis-understandings and, likely, a lot of hurt feelings. A relationship needs a strategy just as much as $1B company.

I applaud Jada and Will for being pro-active in their marriage and taking to heart the phrase, "If it's broke, fix it." Adriano and I have had to do a lot of realigning of expectations in our marriage over the last year and had we shunned the idea of being actively engaged in figuring out strategies to get around our differences in opinion, I'm not sure where we would be today. Thankfully, we've been enough on the same page where right now we're quite fulfilled and happy. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Use your "Connection Points" sparingly

Since sending out the “Designing Marriage” blog to friends and family yesterday, I’ve gotten a lot of great feedback and a number of people that have said they’ve already had a conversation with their spouse about what connects them, as a result of the “Connection Points” post from yesterday. Congratulations to you all! You’re attaching action to the phrase, “Don’t take your partner for granted.” Give yourselves a pat on the back!

Words of caution though…use your connection points sparingly. You shouldn’t award them for just anything. They are precious things that need to be protected, otherwise they’ll loose meaning and be worthless. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

So when do you know when to dole out the connection point? I’m sharing with you a diagram that I once drew for Adriano to explain what I meant when I said that I needed more “quality time” with him. Again, this was a situation where words weren’t working for us. Conversation alone wasn’t resulting in the actions that I needed him to take to make me feel more secure, loved and appreciated in our relationship. At my wits end and knowing that my sweetie is a visual thinker, out came my design skills. This was the result…more or less.

So, before this diagram, when I talked about “quality time,” Adriano thought things like going grocery shopping together, going to the gym, reading a book at home, having a great night out with friends, etc. qualified as “quality time.” That these were sufficient experiences for us to "connect" with one another. Not in my book!

Grocery shopping and going to the gym would fall into Connection Level 1 for me, as these two actions are more transactional in orientation for me. I don’t hate doing these chores, but that’s generally what they are for me…chores. Reading books at home might fall into Level 2, where we might just enjoy being in one another’s company, yet we’re not really connecting to one another either. Having a great night out with friends might hit Level 3 if we're having some good laughs and great conversation. Levels 4 and 5 are harder to get to and where the “Connection Points” come into play.

You only award “Connection Points” for Level 4 and 5 moments of “quality time.” Now everyone’s definition of this will be different of course. For me, Level 4 moments are just really nice moments when I feel especially connected to Adriano. It might be when we decide to make dinner together, open a bottle of wine and just spend the evening talking about our day, what we want to do in life, etc. It’s at these moments in time that you remember why you love this person so much. Yet the moment itself might not be engrained in your mind forever. It is these super duper special moments, the moments in your life that you’ll never forget, that are reserved for Connection Level 5. For Adriano and I, we often times can’t achieve Connection Level 5 moments unless we are on vacation, away from all the other pressures of our lives.

It’s not important what activities help you and your spouse achieve Connection Level 4 and 5 moments. What is important is that they happen with frequency. I’ve told Adriano that I need to have a Level 4 or 5 connection at least once every two weeks, otherwise I start to get more than a little cranky in our relationship. I can’t say that we don’t fall off the bandwagon every now and then, but it’s a lot easier trying to realign expectations with the help of this diagram than if we didn’t have it as reference.

And just as a side note…I got a Connection Point from Adriano last night : ) We went to a Japanese drumming show in Brasilia. He loves Japan and Japanese culture and used to be a drummer...I couldn't loose there : )

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Connection Points

I introduced “Connection Points” to Adriano on a CTA platform at about midnight after having gone to a ballet with our good friends, James and Melissa. We had had a great time and I was feeling “love.” Going to the ballet together, experiencing that event together, helped me to remember why it was that I loved him and why it was that I was planning to marry him in a few months time.

We didn’t have to have a big conversation about it. I simply put my fingers to my mouth, kissed them, and then put them on his chest…almost like I was half blowing him a kiss and half giving him a sticker. Well, as you can imagine he had questions, the first one being, “What was that for?” I then proceeded to share with him the rules of the game.

CONNECTION POINT INSTRUCTIONS ------------------------

What is a “Connection Point”?
Simply put, a Connection Point is an imaginary sticker that you slap on the lapel of your partner when he/she acts or behaves in a manner that makes you feel connected to him or her.

Connection Points aren’t redeemable for anything. You can’t save them up for a grand prize or cash them in. The Connection Point is only a way to tell your partner that he or she has touched you. It’s simply positive reinforcement and encourages your partner to repeat whatever the behavior is that has caused for you to feel connected to him or her.

This is silly…what’s the value of giving and receiving “Connection Points”?
Yes, it seems silly to be slapping imaginary stickers on the lapel of your partner, but think about the communication vehicle that you are establishing. You are sharing with your partner what activities/behaviors make you feel truly connected to him or her. What you’ll likely find is that you “connect” to one another differently. Without communicating with one another about your different connection needs, the relationship often times becomes skewed. You end up doing more things that fulfill the connection needs of one partner more so than the other…depending on whom in the relationship is more accommodating. It doesn’t happen on purpose in most cases…it just happens. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Connection Points are a vehicle for openly discussing your needs in a non-threatening and playful way. They’re a way to learn about each other and bring your differences to the forefront, so that as an individual you can become more sensitive and proactive in meeting your partner’s connection needs.

An example…
Before Connection Points my husband, Adriano, and I thought we connected with one another the same way. For him, watching movies snuggled up together on the couch and touching one another is what makes him feel connected to me. For me, exploring the world with him…experiencing new things is how I feel connected to him.

We went through a period of time where we just couldn’t find common ground. I felt like if I had to watch one more movie at home I was going to scream. He was cool…there were no problems. I simply felt pent up at home and really unhappy.

Through Connection Points we’ve been able to understand how to structure experiences for another that result in touching the inner core of one another. It’s also given us the opportunity to light-heartedly remind each of when we haven’t received Connection Points. That’s been useful for guiding discussions on what we need to do for each other to fulfill each other’s connection needs.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

When talking just isn't enough

Back when I lived in Brooklyn, way before I even thought about getting married and a year before I met my husband, I got some advice that has stuck with me. My landlord (a guy who defined the category of “wacko”) said, “Communication, Brianna, communication…this is the key to keeping a successful marriage. Remember this.” (I can hear the Brooklyn accent now.)

He may have been a strange guy and not a person that I’d attempt to model much of my life after, but he did get the communication message right. For those of us who are in healthy, loving and respectful marriages, I truly believe that communication is the key to continually finding the “love” in your relationship and evolving together as a couple.

So, what does communication mean? I think many times we hear the word “communication” and immediately think about talking with our spouse, sharing our emotions, etc. Yet, I’ve found over the years, that sometimes talking just really isn’t enough. For example, the year that my husband and I got married was a pretty stressful one, as it is for many. Simply put we were trying to do too many things at one time, from planning a wedding to buying a house to him finishing a Ph.D. to me growing business at Sylver Consulting. Most things were positively oriented, but still the stress levels were high. And in the stress we lost each other. At one point we felt so unconnected with one another that I really questioned if getting married was the right thing for us to do. I had a few sleepless nights over that decision.

Yet, instead of jumping ship, I took a step back and asked myself “Why is this happening to us?” We don’t generally fight, but we couldn’t seem to have a conversation where it didn’t end this way. That’s when a spontaneous conversation with a friend, Bill Hill, changed the course of how my husband and I have communicated with one another ever since.

Unfortunately, at the time, Bill and his wife were going through a divorce. In just trying to sort out his feelings about what went wrong he mentioned a personality-type test that he and his wife had done years ago. I can’t remember what the test was called. It doesn’t really matter at this point. What was intriguing to me was that the test essentially helped couples to understand how they connected to people, breaking things down into three categories of mind, body and spirit. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

It was a few days after this conversation that I created the game “Connection Points.”

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Reinvigorating relationships with the spirit of innovation: My intent for this blog

First things first, let me just mention that I’m not a marriage therapist. Nor am I a psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, life coach, or belong to any other profession where I might regularly engage in activity where I advise people on how to operate in their daily lives. What I am, however, is an innovator, a designer, an ethnographer, a problem solver and a facilitator. The content of this blog will be rooted in the spirit of innovation, invention, iteration, and prototyping and how these principles apply to marriage and your most intimate relationships. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

What I plan to offer is a fresh perspective on how to think about marriage. Over the years, I’ve found the same methods and frameworks that I use in my consulting work at Sylver Consulting to be quite helpful in opening the lines of communication with my husband of two years, Adriano Galvão. Just like any couple, we have our days and moments when we don’t see eye-to-eye about something or where one of us doesn’t feel sufficiently appreciated. I’ve learned that you can dwell on the problem in a “whoa is me” sort of fashion or you can treat it as a business issue that’s threatening to erode your profits and stagnate your company’s growth in a way that demands a response ASAP. (OK, I know I'm being a bit dramatic here, but I beg you...go with it for a minute).

My role in my professional life is to bring “design thinking” into organizations, teaching my clients how think through their problems and address them in unique and different ways that often times challenge the status quo. I think a lot of good can be gained by applying those same principles of thought and senses of urgency that are fostered in business to our most intimate relationships. I hope that this blog will become a forum for discussion, really tying actions to the advice that's handed out like candy when you get married–Don't take your partner for granted!

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved