Why I love being married: Part 4

#6: We're a team
I don't believe in "traditional roles" for men and women. In my opinion, these "roles" of the breadwinner versus the caretaker and the hunter versus the gatherer should have all gone out the window the second women went into the workforce. It's unrealistic to think that women can go to work all day, then alone be expected to clean the house, cook dinner, take care of their children, do the grocery shopping, keep in touch with the family, help the kids with their homework, pay the bills, make the weekend plans...man, I'm getting exhausted just writing the list. And the sad part is, this is an extremely abbreviated list of what most woman do on a daily basis in their "off hours." (Sorry guys, the results of the US Department of Labor's 2006 American Time Use Survey quantifies the reality that, yes, women tend to do more at home than men.) © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

In my opinion, this is unacceptable. I think you have to be a team at getting all of this stuff done. Even if you have the capacity to "do it all," I'd be willing to bet you're not "doing it all" without brooding some resentment. I can tell you with full disclosure that when Adriano's not doing his fair share, I get pretty ticked off. Then, we need to have a "discussion."

I see our partnership as a team effort and thankfully he feels the same way. Sure, we gravitate towards specific tasks that he does and then others that I do and then share in the tasks that neither one of us particularly loves to do on a daily basis, like cooking. This daily stuff isn't planned out and score isn't taken. It's more of a subjective read of whether we are both putting in our 50% to keep our life, home and relationships moving forward. If all is good, no "discussion" is needed. If something gets off-kilter, we need to reset expectations. Generally this works pretty well.

Now, for some of the bigger events or projects that we've embraced in our lives together, such as getting married, buying our house, doing construction on our house, moving to Brazil, etc. this loose approach doesn't work. We have to be more formal by actually appointing one of us as Project Manager for that activity. (Yes, we actually have a discussion about this. And yes, I know it seems a little ridiculous, but trust me on this one...it saves so many disagreements and hurt feelings later down the road. We've tried it the informal way. It doesn't work for us.)

When you are Project Manager, it's all on you. You're responsible for managing the time line of the project, organizing the logistics, making sure that everyone is where they are suppose to be when they are suppose to be there, and, most importantly, you're responsible for asking for your partners help and opinion when you need it. Beyond these points of delegation or consultation, your partner is allowed to be hands off. He/She can forget about the "project" and focus on life's daily demands or the other project that he/she is currently managing for your family. And the person managing the "project" is given the freedom and space to do it in a way that works for them.

I'd be lying if I said that we always work harmoniously as a team in dealing with life's demands. We don't and as I said above, this is where the "discussion" comes in play. What we do have though is a genuine interest in approaching life as a team and this goes a long way for making it "safe" for us to have those discussions when one of us feels taken advantage of.

I know a lot of woman that "do it all." Generally that means that they are doing a lot to take care of other people, but nobody is taking care of them. Call me stubborn, but when I signed up to have a partner in marriage, I read in the job description that I'd have a partner in life. I expect this and demand this and thankfully Adriano is on the same page. We truly are a team. And I love this about him and our relationship. It's not a burden. It's a joy.

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For other reasons why I love being married:
Points #1 and #2
Points #3 and #4
Point #5

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved