Wow! The Connection Points concept has really caught the interest of many of the readers of this blog. This post and the "The Texas Sexperiment" one seem to be the posts most consistently referenced by friends and family that I've been connecting with in the last few weeks.
Through conversation, I've come to realize that there is a critical aspect of the Connection Points game that needs to be further clarified. So, here it goes...
There is no scorecard © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
The act of giving and receiving Connection Points is symbolic. By giving a Connection Point to your partner you're simply saying, "this behavior or action that we are doing together makes me feel connected to you. I think it might be nice to do more things like this in the future." You don't keep score. The points aren't redeemable for something down the road.
Of course, you can tweak the game however you wish. An official scorecard could be an element that you and your partner integrate into your relationship. In my opinion, however, adding this element into the mix adds levels of complexity and competition into the "game" that have the potential of stripping the fun and lightheartedness of it all away. But, to each his own...if this works for you, run with it.
To that end, I'm running out to have some connection time with my sweetie. We are finally back in the same city and I just finished up my last project for the year yesterday. Vacation has begun and I'm looking forward to making the most of it.
© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Five (Pragmatic) Tips to a Happy Marriage: Part 3
Now to step four and five to a happy marriage...
Step 4: Make Peace, Not War
Dr. Joy Brown suggests that you choose a day each week to sit down and talk with you spouse. This can become the time for you to air any concerns that you have about your relationship before these issue becomes major ones and get blown out of proportion.
Step 5: Go on dates
This is a big one. I think it's so important to break away from the pressures of everyday life and make a conscious effort to focus on your spouse. Going out on a date shakes things up. I like that! I'm looking forward to a date night myself this weekend. My hubby gets to town on Thursday. Yeah!
Step 4: Make Peace, Not War
Dr. Joy Brown suggests that you choose a day each week to sit down and talk with you spouse. This can become the time for you to air any concerns that you have about your relationship before these issue becomes major ones and get blown out of proportion.
Step 5: Go on dates
This is a big one. I think it's so important to break away from the pressures of everyday life and make a conscious effort to focus on your spouse. Going out on a date shakes things up. I like that! I'm looking forward to a date night myself this weekend. My hubby gets to town on Thursday. Yeah!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Five (Pragmatic) Tips to a Happy Marriage: Part 2
Picking up from yesterday's post, let's talk about the third step to a happy marriage.
Step 3: Pull out a happy face
According to Parade magazine, this means:
I've been missing those constant reminders of mine and Adriano's past vacations though. I've been wanting to make some kind of photo wall in our house, but have hesitated. I'm very particular on style. However, I recently saw a picture in the Winter issue of O at Home that I thought could match my personal style and desire for clean lines, while making sure mine and Adriano's happy faces are displayed and become a daily reminder of why we love one another. I thought I'd share the picture. (You'll notice the staples in the corner of the picture. Yes, I make scrapbooks of home decorating ideas that I like!) Maybe it'll help to get your creative juices flowing. Enjoy!
Step 3: Pull out a happy face
According to Parade magazine, this means:
Keep a picture of the two of you at your happiest and look at it whenever you’re annoyed with one another.My computer back splash used to be reserved for a picture of Adriano and I from our most recent vacation (all of which we have a blast on). Recently though, my new niece, Analise, has taken that spot. I only get to see her every few months, so it helps with the in between times!
I've been missing those constant reminders of mine and Adriano's past vacations though. I've been wanting to make some kind of photo wall in our house, but have hesitated. I'm very particular on style. However, I recently saw a picture in the Winter issue of O at Home that I thought could match my personal style and desire for clean lines, while making sure mine and Adriano's happy faces are displayed and become a daily reminder of why we love one another. I thought I'd share the picture. (You'll notice the staples in the corner of the picture. Yes, I make scrapbooks of home decorating ideas that I like!) Maybe it'll help to get your creative juices flowing. Enjoy!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Five (Pragmatic) Tips to a Happy Marriage: Part 1
My friend Judy sent me a article this morning called Five Steps to a Happy Marriage. The five steps are things that you've likely heard before, but maybe not things you actively give attention to on a daily or weekly basis. I thought I'd spend the next couple of posts sharing some practical ideas on how to realize the five steps referred to in the article.
Step 1: Communicate your goals
Years ago I read this book called The Family CFO: The Couple's Business Plan for Love and Money
by Mary Claire Allvine and Christine Larson. In the book, Mary Claire and Christine encourage their readers to sit down with their partner and a stack of index cards. Each person is to write life goals that are important to them on the index cards. You should have one goal per card.
Once each partner is finished writing out their goals, you are to share them with one another. You then, as a couple, prioritize (in a sequential fashion) your goals to know how to leverage, use and structure your finances to be in a position to better achieve the goals that you've determined, as a couple, to be worth your attention.
The exercise is designed around two assumptions. One, it's not really possible to direct your attention to more than a couple of goals at one time. And two, even though you may have great communication with your partner, you may not have a great understanding of which of their goals are most important to them.
Adriano and I did this exercise and found it to be really useful. We were both surprised a little bit about what did and didn't make it into each other's stack of index cards. For instance, we've talked about buying rental properties for years. This is more important to Adriano then I. This goal made it into his stack and didn't into mine. He was surprised by this because when we've talked about it in the past, I've been on board with the idea. I still am, but of all the other goals that are important to me, this falls lower on the list. However, I know it could be beneficial to the financial security of our family, so I am willing to pursue this goal as a family. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
In the first round of doing this exercise, the goal of purchasing rental properties never made it into the first 3-5 slots, so we haven't pursued it. We are due for another goal planning session though. Maybe this will be something we tackle over the holidays.
The take away here is that it's impoartant to be talking about your goals. But even more essential, in my opinion, is that, as a couple, you need to decide which goals deserve to be pursued first, second, third, etc. Not only does a conversation like this align each of you, ensuring that you collectively use your finite resources of money and time appropriately, but it also ensures that each partner feels heard and not slighted if their goal(s) are not actively being pursued at the moment.
If my memory serves me right, I think Mary Claire and Christine suggested that this exercise be something that you and your partner do every 6 months or so. Like I said, Adriano and I are overdue. I'm excited to revisit this over the holidays though. Last time this exercise spurred a great deal of conversation and was a great "connecting" experience. I suspect the same will be true again.
Step 2: Learn to "like" your mate
If you refer back to the Parade article mentioned above, the first three sentences under Step 2 are the following:
© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Step 1: Communicate your goals
Years ago I read this book called The Family CFO: The Couple's Business Plan for Love and Money
by Mary Claire Allvine and Christine Larson. In the book, Mary Claire and Christine encourage their readers to sit down with their partner and a stack of index cards. Each person is to write life goals that are important to them on the index cards. You should have one goal per card.Once each partner is finished writing out their goals, you are to share them with one another. You then, as a couple, prioritize (in a sequential fashion) your goals to know how to leverage, use and structure your finances to be in a position to better achieve the goals that you've determined, as a couple, to be worth your attention.
The exercise is designed around two assumptions. One, it's not really possible to direct your attention to more than a couple of goals at one time. And two, even though you may have great communication with your partner, you may not have a great understanding of which of their goals are most important to them.
Adriano and I did this exercise and found it to be really useful. We were both surprised a little bit about what did and didn't make it into each other's stack of index cards. For instance, we've talked about buying rental properties for years. This is more important to Adriano then I. This goal made it into his stack and didn't into mine. He was surprised by this because when we've talked about it in the past, I've been on board with the idea. I still am, but of all the other goals that are important to me, this falls lower on the list. However, I know it could be beneficial to the financial security of our family, so I am willing to pursue this goal as a family. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
In the first round of doing this exercise, the goal of purchasing rental properties never made it into the first 3-5 slots, so we haven't pursued it. We are due for another goal planning session though. Maybe this will be something we tackle over the holidays.
The take away here is that it's impoartant to be talking about your goals. But even more essential, in my opinion, is that, as a couple, you need to decide which goals deserve to be pursued first, second, third, etc. Not only does a conversation like this align each of you, ensuring that you collectively use your finite resources of money and time appropriately, but it also ensures that each partner feels heard and not slighted if their goal(s) are not actively being pursued at the moment.
If my memory serves me right, I think Mary Claire and Christine suggested that this exercise be something that you and your partner do every 6 months or so. Like I said, Adriano and I are overdue. I'm excited to revisit this over the holidays though. Last time this exercise spurred a great deal of conversation and was a great "connecting" experience. I suspect the same will be true again.
Step 2: Learn to "like" your mate
If you refer back to the Parade article mentioned above, the first three sentences under Step 2 are the following:
Loving someone is a gift. Liking someone is more pragmatic. Tell your spouse something that you like about him or her every day.Being specific about why you like or love someone makes you have to actively think about the positive attributes of that person. I wrote a post, I love you because..., about this point earlier in the week. Adriano and I have been telling each other why we love each other specifically each day since I wrote that post. I can tell you...it's been a beautiful way to start each day.
© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Marriage Checkup: ABC talks about the NIH grant
Back in mid-November I wrote about the "Marriage Check-up." ABC picked up the story about the NIH funded grant yesterday and did a spot on it. You can watch the video here.
Getting a Marriage Check-up seems like a good idea to me. My only question is, what does an annual visit to a therapist mean? Are we talking one visit one time a year or a month worth of visits for a whole year? One visit one time per year sounds great. Who couldn't benefit from that?! If it's more than one (unless, of course, a major issue surfaces), I hesitate. It seems like too much work, especially if you're communicating with your spouse regularly and there doesn't seem to be a problem. Spending the cash and time to go to a marriage counselor for a month seems excessive. Would love to hear other people's take on this, but this is my initial reaction. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Regardless, it seems like a marriage counselor could create a niche for themselves in this area if he/she wanted. What a great way to drive business! The first session, the actual "check-up", (please note that this is one session in my mind) is 1/2 off. Get the check-up. Find out what's not working, then pay the big bucks to have someone help you fix it. It seems like a great way to create new clientèle in a manner that offers true value to its user (the husband and wife seeking counseling).
Of course, this is all contingent on whether or not there is a reliable assessment of what the true health of a relationship is from the start. I believe this is what Dr. James Cordova is working on. I'm interested in checking out his book, The Marriage Checkup: A Program for Sustaining and Strengthening Marital Health, when it's released in Spring 2009.
To be continued...
© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Getting a Marriage Check-up seems like a good idea to me. My only question is, what does an annual visit to a therapist mean? Are we talking one visit one time a year or a month worth of visits for a whole year? One visit one time per year sounds great. Who couldn't benefit from that?! If it's more than one (unless, of course, a major issue surfaces), I hesitate. It seems like too much work, especially if you're communicating with your spouse regularly and there doesn't seem to be a problem. Spending the cash and time to go to a marriage counselor for a month seems excessive. Would love to hear other people's take on this, but this is my initial reaction. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Regardless, it seems like a marriage counselor could create a niche for themselves in this area if he/she wanted. What a great way to drive business! The first session, the actual "check-up", (please note that this is one session in my mind) is 1/2 off. Get the check-up. Find out what's not working, then pay the big bucks to have someone help you fix it. It seems like a great way to create new clientèle in a manner that offers true value to its user (the husband and wife seeking counseling).
Of course, this is all contingent on whether or not there is a reliable assessment of what the true health of a relationship is from the start. I believe this is what Dr. James Cordova is working on. I'm interested in checking out his book, The Marriage Checkup: A Program for Sustaining and Strengthening Marital Health, when it's released in Spring 2009.
To be continued...
© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
I love you because...
I was chatting with my Aunt Connie over the holiday break about the blog and she told me this beautiful story of a woman in her church. I loved it so much that I thought I'd share it with all of you.
My aunt's friend and her husband tell each other every day why they love each other before they leave their home. They give each other a kiss and simply say, "I love you because..." Saying "I love you" isn't sufficient as far as they are concerned as these words alone can too easily become rote and begin to loose their meaning. By adding the "...because..." to the end of "I love you," each of them has to actively start their day with positive images and thoughts of their partner and their relationship.
I think this is so simple and honestly just so beautiful. So, since my sweetie often times reads my blog posts before we get a chance to talk with one another in the day (we're in separate countries and in different time zones at the moment)...
Adriano, © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
I love you because you know how to leverage technology to make sure that we stay "connected" to one another even though we are 1000s of miles apart right now. I love sending and receiving emails from you throughout the day, sending pictures back and forth and chatting with you on the phone at night. In no way are these substitutes to spending physical time together, but our use of technology while we are apart keeps the feelings that I have for you alive, building the anticipation to when we can physically be in the same location again. I can't wait to see you in a few weeks honey!
Beijos (Kisses),
Bri
© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
My aunt's friend and her husband tell each other every day why they love each other before they leave their home. They give each other a kiss and simply say, "I love you because..." Saying "I love you" isn't sufficient as far as they are concerned as these words alone can too easily become rote and begin to loose their meaning. By adding the "...because..." to the end of "I love you," each of them has to actively start their day with positive images and thoughts of their partner and their relationship.
I think this is so simple and honestly just so beautiful. So, since my sweetie often times reads my blog posts before we get a chance to talk with one another in the day (we're in separate countries and in different time zones at the moment)...
Adriano, © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
I love you because you know how to leverage technology to make sure that we stay "connected" to one another even though we are 1000s of miles apart right now. I love sending and receiving emails from you throughout the day, sending pictures back and forth and chatting with you on the phone at night. In no way are these substitutes to spending physical time together, but our use of technology while we are apart keeps the feelings that I have for you alive, building the anticipation to when we can physically be in the same location again. I can't wait to see you in a few weeks honey!
Beijos (Kisses),
Bri
© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Monday, December 1, 2008
Maybe the "drunk in love" feeling can last forever
Over the holiday weekend I've been getting caught up on my magazine reading. The November issue of Oprah magazine had an interesting article about how neuroscience may ultimately change the way we live.
Apparently neuroscientists can tell via MRI scans if you're "in like" or "in love." A team, comprised of a psychologist, anthropologist and neuroscientist, has been studying how a person's brain responds to photographs of a new lover versus a familiar, neutral person in their lives. They've found that when presented with photos of a new lover, a person's brain releases dopamine, creating a "hooked" state that is similar in characteristic to what is experienced by an addict, needing a constant flow of alcohol or drugs. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Sounds crazy, right? Maybe not so. As people date and become more familiar and comfortable with one another this "hooked" state dissipates, as brain systems associated with attachment increase in activity. I can tell you from personal experience that I don't feel that "drunk in love," where the whole room disappears kind of feeling about Adriano anymore. Yet, I do remember that emotional high very vividly and on some days wish I could feel it again.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'd still take what I have today over that feeling (which can be very fleeting) any day. But to those "head over heels" emotional seekers, there's hope that you can continue to get that high with a life long love. It all comes down to communication.
The scientists conducting this study were convinced that this passionately "in love," "hooked" state could not be sustained after a relationship developed until they widened their sample and started scanning couples who had been married for 10 to 20 years. Only a small percentage of the people scanned still had that "hooked" state response to images of their spouse. When the scientists drilled down further they found that these people make an effort to do exciting things together, have great communication in their relationship and aren't personally anxious or depressed.
So, I'd say this is the prescription for all. What exciting activity are you going to plan with your spouse this month? How are you going to make efforts to improve your communication as a couple? And what do you need to do for yourself personally to make you feel more fulfilled as an individual? I think we all could gleam some insight by asking ourselves these questions on a frequent basis.
© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Apparently neuroscientists can tell via MRI scans if you're "in like" or "in love." A team, comprised of a psychologist, anthropologist and neuroscientist, has been studying how a person's brain responds to photographs of a new lover versus a familiar, neutral person in their lives. They've found that when presented with photos of a new lover, a person's brain releases dopamine, creating a "hooked" state that is similar in characteristic to what is experienced by an addict, needing a constant flow of alcohol or drugs. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Sounds crazy, right? Maybe not so. As people date and become more familiar and comfortable with one another this "hooked" state dissipates, as brain systems associated with attachment increase in activity. I can tell you from personal experience that I don't feel that "drunk in love," where the whole room disappears kind of feeling about Adriano anymore. Yet, I do remember that emotional high very vividly and on some days wish I could feel it again.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'd still take what I have today over that feeling (which can be very fleeting) any day. But to those "head over heels" emotional seekers, there's hope that you can continue to get that high with a life long love. It all comes down to communication.
The scientists conducting this study were convinced that this passionately "in love," "hooked" state could not be sustained after a relationship developed until they widened their sample and started scanning couples who had been married for 10 to 20 years. Only a small percentage of the people scanned still had that "hooked" state response to images of their spouse. When the scientists drilled down further they found that these people make an effort to do exciting things together, have great communication in their relationship and aren't personally anxious or depressed.
So, I'd say this is the prescription for all. What exciting activity are you going to plan with your spouse this month? How are you going to make efforts to improve your communication as a couple? And what do you need to do for yourself personally to make you feel more fulfilled as an individual? I think we all could gleam some insight by asking ourselves these questions on a frequent basis.
© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
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