Five (Pragmatic) Tips to a Happy Marriage: Part 1

My friend Judy sent me a article this morning called Five Steps to a Happy Marriage. The five steps are things that you've likely heard before, but maybe not things you actively give attention to on a daily or weekly basis. I thought I'd spend the next couple of posts sharing some practical ideas on how to realize the five steps referred to in the article.

Step 1: Communicate your goals
Years ago I read this book called The Family CFO: The Couple's Business Plan for Love and Money by Mary Claire Allvine and Christine Larson. In the book, Mary Claire and Christine encourage their readers to sit down with their partner and a stack of index cards. Each person is to write life goals that are important to them on the index cards. You should have one goal per card.

Once each partner is finished writing out their goals, you are to share them with one another. You then, as a couple, prioritize (in a sequential fashion) your goals to know how to leverage, use and structure your finances to be in a position to better achieve the goals that you've determined, as a couple, to be worth your attention.

The exercise is designed around two assumptions. One, it's not really possible to direct your attention to more than a couple of goals at one time. And two, even though you may have great communication with your partner, you may not have a great understanding of which of their goals are most important to them.

Adriano and I did this exercise and found it to be really useful. We were both surprised a little bit about what did and didn't make it into each other's stack of index cards. For instance, we've talked about buying rental properties for years. This is more important to Adriano then I. This goal made it into his stack and didn't into mine. He was surprised by this because when we've talked about it in the past, I've been on board with the idea. I still am, but of all the other goals that are important to me, this falls lower on the list. However, I know it could be beneficial to the financial security of our family, so I am willing to pursue this goal as a family. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

In the first round of doing this exercise, the goal of purchasing rental properties never made it into the first 3-5 slots, so we haven't pursued it. We are due for another goal planning session though. Maybe this will be something we tackle over the holidays.

The take away here is that it's impoartant to be talking about your goals. But even more essential, in my opinion, is that, as a couple, you need to decide which goals deserve to be pursued first, second, third, etc. Not only does a conversation like this align each of you, ensuring that you collectively use your finite resources of money and time appropriately, but it also ensures that each partner feels heard and not slighted if their goal(s) are not actively being pursued at the moment.

If my memory serves me right, I think Mary Claire and Christine suggested that this exercise be something that you and your partner do every 6 months or so. Like I said, Adriano and I are overdue. I'm excited to revisit this over the holidays though. Last time this exercise spurred a great deal of conversation and was a great "connecting" experience. I suspect the same will be true again.

Step 2: Learn to "like" your mate
If you refer back to the Parade article mentioned above, the first three sentences under Step 2 are the following:

Loving someone is a gift. Liking someone is more pragmatic. Tell your spouse something that you like about him or her every day.

Being specific about why you like or love someone makes you have to actively think about the positive attributes of that person. I wrote a post, I love you because..., about this point earlier in the week. Adriano and I have been telling each other why we love each other specifically each day since I wrote that post. I can tell you...it's been a beautiful way to start each day.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved