Happy? Yes/ No

On my first day of grad school a professor gave the assignment to write a bio. He wanted to be educated about who we were, where we had come from, and what we hoped our new graduate education might enable us to do. In addition, he asked us to share what drove us as individuals.

I took a very "macro" approach to answering the question "what drives you?" My answer was simple: happiness.

This was not the answer the professor was expecting, nor the answer that he felt was appropriate. He didn't quite single me out, but gave "the class" the opportunity to make adjustments to their bios, saying that some were a little too "touchy-feely." To this day, I'm still not sure that I was one of the students that he wanted to alter their bios. Although, I distinctly remember getting that uncomfortable "He's talking to me" feeling as he was addressing the class. So, I thought about rewriting my bio for a day or two, yet eventually decided against it. While I could write about a number of things that "drive" me (that might be more expected within a business context), they still all equal "happiness" when stripped down to their core.

I have weekly "Happiness Check-ins" with myself. A simple question is asked, "Are you happy?" If the answer is "yes," I proceed as is. If the answer is "no," the dissection process begins. And the following questions proceed in rapid succession:

• How are you feeling? (i.e. sad, stifled, tired unappreciated, etc.)
• Why are you feeling this way?
• What needs to change to make you feel happy again?

To some (like the professor in grad school), this "drive" towards happiness may seem a bit too ethereal. Yet, from past experience, I can say that it's these regular "Happiness Check-ins" (plus the guts to instigate change when the answer to the happiness question is "no") that help me ensure I'm leading the life I want to lead.

Now that I'm married, I think these "Happiness Check-ins" are even more important than when I was single. In the years of being with Adriano, I've found that when I'm upset and irritated with him (without necessarily being able to pinpoint why), that 8 times out of 10 my "unhappiness" has nothing to do with him. He, unfortunately, is just the closest person to which I can project my unhappiness, hoping to feel better by doing so. When in reality, my problem is related to something that I'm not doing for myself and my body is screaming, "Enough!"

What makes me "unhappy?" Many things can cause this, but most typically for me, my happiness level goes down when I'm consistently giving my time and energy to other people, without reserving any for myself.

It usually takes me a bit to ponder why specifically I'm not "happy" and then a day or two to start executing a plan to ensure that "happiness" returns. Miraculously, once the plan is in action, my positive energy returns, flowing into everything in my life, from my marriage to the myriad of other relationships and ambitions that I have. And then everything is set and "on track" until the next "happiness" glitch occurs.

Marriage = Work

Like others, I've been impressed with the Obama marriage. You can tell that they deeply respect and love one another by the way they interact with each other. Reading recent reports in "Oprah" and "People," where Michelle Obama has publicly debunked the theory that they have a "perfect" marriage makes me like them even more as a couple. She acknowledges that her and Barack have a strong marriage, but that they have to work at it.

It's that word "work" that seems to make many people's back go up when associated with marriage. Why, I can't really understand. After all, doesn't nearly everything else in life worth having require work? For instance, if you want a strong career, you need to put the time into paying your dues, creating connections and demonstrating your value. If you want strong friendships, you need to invest time in people, connecting with one another and sharing the joys and frustrations that you have in life. The list of all that we must "work at" to achieve success can go on and on and on. Yet, somehow, the fact that "marriage" requires "work" is something that many people seem to want to turn a blind eye to. They're hesitant to have their romanticized version of marriage (as taught in US culture at least) fall away.

Yet, the reality is that in order to have a strong marriage you have to "work at" it. "Work" in this case shouldn't be considered a negative thing or a particularly frustrating or daunting proposition. For instance, if you feel like you need/ want to pound your head against the wall daily because of your spouse, you have big problems brewing. This is not the definition of "work" that I hope to convey when stating that marriage requires "work."

"Work" in the context of marriage, at least for me, could be described more concretely with words like "focus," "connection," "communication," "support," and "intention." When I keep these "vectors of work" top of mind, I'd say that mine and Adriano's marriage gets as near "perfect" as I could expect. When everything else in life demands our time and these "vectors of work" start to fall by the wayside, distance seeps into our relationship.

To be honest, we're in need of a spruce up. We've both been putting so much time into our "work, work" (i.e. jobs) lately that we've been neglecting a bit the needs of our relationship. I'd say we're still practicing the vectors of "support" and "intention," but "focus," "connection", and "communication" are in desperate need of realignment. I think we've got some homework to do.

How about you? What terms would you use to define "work" as it relates to your marriage?

Tips for nurturing a long-distance marriage

Sorry I've been a bit MIA these last few weeks. There's been a lot going on. I've been heads down trying to finish some projects and have been traveling quite a bit as well. I spent two weeks in the US at the start of the month. My schedule is always crazy when I'm there.

Tips for surviving a long-distance marriage
While in the US, I came across this article about tips for surviving a long-distance marriage. Being that Adriano and I spend approximately 6 months apart in a given year, the tips provided were highly relevant to he and I. To go further, I'd specifically endorse these few as essential.

• Set aside specific times to connect on the phone or through technological advances, such as Webcams or Skype.
• Keep communication at a hyper level. It's not crazy to talk five times a day or more to a long-distance spouse.
• Have regular "relationship checkups," focusing on how it's going and whether the needs of both spouses are being met.
• If possible, set a goal to move back together by a specific date.

Now to further the list...

You need to know when it's not the right time to connect
I'd also add that sometimes you just have to know when it's not the right time to talk or connect...because an unfocused conversation can do more damage than not having one at all. Case in point, one night Adriano called while I was in the US. He was already in bed, half sleeping on the phone. I was still sitting in front of my computer, trying to finish up whatever I had to do for that day. At that point in time, we weren't each other's priority and we both knew it. After a few moments of mediocre conversation, I had suggested we hang up and plan to talk the next night at 7pm. Adriano reluctantly agreed and I felt guilty about not being able to focus on him and "us" at that moment.

So, imagine my delight and surprise when I got the following email from Adriano the next morning.

Hi my love,
These last few days have been so crazy and fast paced that my head is still a bit fuzzy, cannot think very straight. I was thinking this morning, while taking a shower, that you were so right about last night not being the right time to chat over the phone. I think couples sometimes cannot read their partner and their state of mind. It was a great insight for me.

Things here are going well so far. Not too busy and being able to do my stuff. Let's chat a bit later? I could try to call you from work...I found out a way to use a voip system they have in place.

Bjs, Dri

This email made me so happy. I felt that trying to force a conversation that night would have been bad. Too many other things were on our minds, particularly mine as I was anxiously trying to finish my work day at 10pm! Getting the email was validation that we were both on the same page about this, even if we weren't initially. I felt loved, respected and appreciated.

Leverage technology to it's fullest
Pictures help a lot too in feeling close to one another. Nearly all of us have cell phones with cameras embedded into them these days. Sometimes Adriano and I are better at this than others, but when we do focus on talking pictures of what we're doing throughout the day it helps. Not only do we feel more connected, but the photos become excellent probes for conversation later.

Wrap-up
You could say that Adriano and I are becoming "experts" in knowing how to keep our marriage alive across distance. I don't know if it ever really becomes "easier," but the tips offered above (and my adds) can go a long way in minimizing the emotional distance between the two of you while you're apart.

Can Parenting Techniques Work on Adults?

My friend, Andrea, sent me this charming article, on using parenting techniques to avoid and solve conflict with your spouse. It's a funny read and an interesting approach. It's worth a look.

Do You React or Respond?

"Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it." - Author John Maxwell

Do you react or respond? This is the question that Marianne Williamson posed in her "Miracle Thought of the Day" podcast. I think this is an interesting question to reflect upon.

When you REACT the results are haphazard as the thought put into your actions is shallow at best. Yet, when you RESPOND you've thought through your response and they way it may be perceived. In essence, you've responsibly assessed the situation and are reacting from an informed position. The end result will always better when your responding versus reacting.

I think this is food for thought for every aspect of our lives. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved