Like others, I've been impressed with the Obama marriage. You can tell that they deeply respect and love one another by the way they interact with each other. Reading recent reports in "Oprah" and "People," where Michelle Obama has publicly debunked the theory that they have a "perfect" marriage makes me like them even more as a couple. She acknowledges that her and Barack have a strong marriage, but that they have to work at it.
It's that word "work" that seems to make many people's back go up when associated with marriage. Why, I can't really understand. After all, doesn't nearly everything else in life worth having require work? For instance, if you want a strong career, you need to put the time into paying your dues, creating connections and demonstrating your value. If you want strong friendships, you need to invest time in people, connecting with one another and sharing the joys and frustrations that you have in life. The list of all that we must "work at" to achieve success can go on and on and on. Yet, somehow, the fact that "marriage" requires "work" is something that many people seem to want to turn a blind eye to. They're hesitant to have their romanticized version of marriage (as taught in US culture at least) fall away.
Yet, the reality is that in order to have a strong marriage you have to "work at" it. "Work" in this case shouldn't be considered a negative thing or a particularly frustrating or daunting proposition. For instance, if you feel like you need/ want to pound your head against the wall daily because of your spouse, you have big problems brewing. This is not the definition of "work" that I hope to convey when stating that marriage requires "work."
"Work" in the context of marriage, at least for me, could be described more concretely with words like "focus," "connection," "communication," "support," and "intention." When I keep these "vectors of work" top of mind, I'd say that mine and Adriano's marriage gets as near "perfect" as I could expect. When everything else in life demands our time and these "vectors of work" start to fall by the wayside, distance seeps into our relationship.
To be honest, we're in need of a spruce up. We've both been putting so much time into our "work, work" (i.e. jobs) lately that we've been neglecting a bit the needs of our relationship. I'd say we're still practicing the vectors of "support" and "intention," but "focus," "connection", and "communication" are in desperate need of realignment. I think we've got some homework to do.
How about you? What terms would you use to define "work" as it relates to your marriage?
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Friday, November 7, 2008
What's the cost of mediocrity in marriage?
Seth Godin wrote yesterday about the "Sad lie of mediocrity." He states:
I don't think most people enter into a marriage thinking, "This guy or gal is great and I'm going to do just enough to keep them happy and not an ounce more." Rather people enter into good faith marriages saying this guy or gal is so important to me that I can't imagine going through life without them. So where does the love get lost? How does the commitment that you attested to on your wedding day become less of a priority? I think many people have a hard time distinguishing the difference between "love" and "marriage."
"Love" is not the same thing as "Marriage"
"Love" is what we see in the movies. It's what is romanticized for us from the day we are born. Remember Cinderella and her prince and Beauty and the Beast? In each of these stories (and in the endless number of movies with the theme of boy meets girl), the characters find promise, inspiration and interest in one another. When they look into each other's eyes, the music swells and the birds start singing. "Love" is in their heart, shining so bright that it can barely be contained within the body.
I'm sure you have some of your own Hollywood-worthy encounters to report if you reflect on your experiences. A snapshot of one from mine and Adriano's life involves the first few days that we met. There was such connection between the two of us that when we began to talk literally everyone else in the room seized to exist. We were in a vortex, drunk on each other and so definitely in to one another.
But this vortex doesn't last and "love" at that point in the relationship can and should be probably referred to more as "lust." Regardless of the technical term, there's no denying that it's a powerful feeling...the butterflies in the stomach when a kiss is shared, the giggles that can't be contain because you're so excited to be together and the intense longing that one feels when the other person is not around. But, as anyone who's been in a committed relationship for any period of time knows, these initial phases of "love" are that...initial phases.
"Love" grows to be something deeper than "butterflies in the stomach." That "love of your life" becomes your constant companion, someone that you can rely on for support in situations of good and bad and in sickness and in health. It's these growing feelings of pride and respect for that individual that eventually drive you to make the choice to get married.
But the key difference between "love" and "marriage" is that "love" will always somewhat exist in isolation. Only you and your partner are allowed. Unfortunately, that's not the case for your marriage.
Many people will have opinions regarding whether you have a good or a bad marriage and whether the choices that you are making in your marriage today are the right choices to be made to secure a lasting marriage. For instance, I'm sure a number of people in mine and Adriano's life have made bets against how long we'll stay together, citing the fact that we spend approximately 6 months a year apart as a detrimental choice to the longevity of our relationship. I know my grandmother for certain has already cited this as a major concern of hers and many of my mother's patients (she's a dental hygienist) have already provided their two cents on the issue as well. I don't even know the majority of her patients.
Other people's opinions is just the tip of the iceberg of what your marriage needs to endure. Probably even more threatening are the obligations of your everyday. We have to realize that when we make the choice to stay at work the extra hour to answer email, that we are making the choice to not spend time with our spouse or family. When we decide to accept five invitations with other people for the weekend, whether our spouse is involved or not, we are consciously making the choice to not give ourselves completely to our spouse and likely sacrificing that intimate connection that allows us to return our "island of love." (It's a bit of a cheesy term, I realize, but you get where I'm going.)
Every day choices must be made
Life is about choices. Human nature has us respond to the things that are screaming most loudly for our attention while everything else takes a backseat. And frequently I think couples don't create a voice for their relationship within that crowd until complacency and unhappiness has truly settled in for the long-haul. By this point mediocrity has really taken root.
You may still show up for dinner, but there's no conversation. You decide to stay at work hours longer than you probably need to. You drift further and further apart from one another...going through the motions of marriage, but without putting feeling and passion into it, almost never returning to your "island of love." You've essentially given up without declaring that you've resigned.
In my opinion, there is no room for mediocrity in a marriage or a committed relationship of any kind. With no doubt, it's hard to keep all the balls in the air. It really comes down to vigilance and priorities. You can NEVER take your attention off your marriage. It's an asset that can depreciate very, very quickly and could take years to rebuild.
If you have a hard time understanding or visualizing what I'm talking about here, think about what the stock market has done over the last month. For anyone who's had money invested, you've likely lost a lot. To date, I'm in the red for what my initial investments were...not good. It happened fast...one day it was there, the next day it wasn't. Likely things will turn around, but the chances that I'll gain as much as I lost in one's month time is slim to none. More than likely, it'll be 2-3 years before my investments are back up to the level that they were just one month ago.
Your "love" and your "marriage" operates in the same way. Except, unlike the stock market, you have control over the outcomes.
And some references... © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
For those of you who might need some assistance in sorting out your priorities every now and then, I'd suggest that you read Martha Beck's article from the October issue of Oprah Magazine. It discusses a framework for cutting through all the demands of life to really have the energy and time to focus on what truly matters.
© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Seth's perspective on mediocrity was positioned more from the angle of what's the cost of mediocrity in business. But I think the same principles can apply to our personal relationships, especially one as intimate as a marriage.Doing 4% less does not get you 4% less.
Doing 4% less may very well get you 95% less.
That's because almost good enough gets you nowhere. No sales, no votes, no customers. The sad lie of mediocrity is the mistaken belief that partial effort yields partial results. In fact, the results are usually totally out of proportion to the incremental effort.
I don't think most people enter into a marriage thinking, "This guy or gal is great and I'm going to do just enough to keep them happy and not an ounce more." Rather people enter into good faith marriages saying this guy or gal is so important to me that I can't imagine going through life without them. So where does the love get lost? How does the commitment that you attested to on your wedding day become less of a priority? I think many people have a hard time distinguishing the difference between "love" and "marriage."
"Love" is not the same thing as "Marriage"
"Love" is what we see in the movies. It's what is romanticized for us from the day we are born. Remember Cinderella and her prince and Beauty and the Beast? In each of these stories (and in the endless number of movies with the theme of boy meets girl), the characters find promise, inspiration and interest in one another. When they look into each other's eyes, the music swells and the birds start singing. "Love" is in their heart, shining so bright that it can barely be contained within the body.
I'm sure you have some of your own Hollywood-worthy encounters to report if you reflect on your experiences. A snapshot of one from mine and Adriano's life involves the first few days that we met. There was such connection between the two of us that when we began to talk literally everyone else in the room seized to exist. We were in a vortex, drunk on each other and so definitely in to one another.
But this vortex doesn't last and "love" at that point in the relationship can and should be probably referred to more as "lust." Regardless of the technical term, there's no denying that it's a powerful feeling...the butterflies in the stomach when a kiss is shared, the giggles that can't be contain because you're so excited to be together and the intense longing that one feels when the other person is not around. But, as anyone who's been in a committed relationship for any period of time knows, these initial phases of "love" are that...initial phases.
"Love" grows to be something deeper than "butterflies in the stomach." That "love of your life" becomes your constant companion, someone that you can rely on for support in situations of good and bad and in sickness and in health. It's these growing feelings of pride and respect for that individual that eventually drive you to make the choice to get married.
But the key difference between "love" and "marriage" is that "love" will always somewhat exist in isolation. Only you and your partner are allowed. Unfortunately, that's not the case for your marriage.
Many people will have opinions regarding whether you have a good or a bad marriage and whether the choices that you are making in your marriage today are the right choices to be made to secure a lasting marriage. For instance, I'm sure a number of people in mine and Adriano's life have made bets against how long we'll stay together, citing the fact that we spend approximately 6 months a year apart as a detrimental choice to the longevity of our relationship. I know my grandmother for certain has already cited this as a major concern of hers and many of my mother's patients (she's a dental hygienist) have already provided their two cents on the issue as well. I don't even know the majority of her patients.
Other people's opinions is just the tip of the iceberg of what your marriage needs to endure. Probably even more threatening are the obligations of your everyday. We have to realize that when we make the choice to stay at work the extra hour to answer email, that we are making the choice to not spend time with our spouse or family. When we decide to accept five invitations with other people for the weekend, whether our spouse is involved or not, we are consciously making the choice to not give ourselves completely to our spouse and likely sacrificing that intimate connection that allows us to return our "island of love." (It's a bit of a cheesy term, I realize, but you get where I'm going.)
Every day choices must be made
Life is about choices. Human nature has us respond to the things that are screaming most loudly for our attention while everything else takes a backseat. And frequently I think couples don't create a voice for their relationship within that crowd until complacency and unhappiness has truly settled in for the long-haul. By this point mediocrity has really taken root.
You may still show up for dinner, but there's no conversation. You decide to stay at work hours longer than you probably need to. You drift further and further apart from one another...going through the motions of marriage, but without putting feeling and passion into it, almost never returning to your "island of love." You've essentially given up without declaring that you've resigned.
In my opinion, there is no room for mediocrity in a marriage or a committed relationship of any kind. With no doubt, it's hard to keep all the balls in the air. It really comes down to vigilance and priorities. You can NEVER take your attention off your marriage. It's an asset that can depreciate very, very quickly and could take years to rebuild.
If you have a hard time understanding or visualizing what I'm talking about here, think about what the stock market has done over the last month. For anyone who's had money invested, you've likely lost a lot. To date, I'm in the red for what my initial investments were...not good. It happened fast...one day it was there, the next day it wasn't. Likely things will turn around, but the chances that I'll gain as much as I lost in one's month time is slim to none. More than likely, it'll be 2-3 years before my investments are back up to the level that they were just one month ago.
Your "love" and your "marriage" operates in the same way. Except, unlike the stock market, you have control over the outcomes.
And some references... © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
For those of you who might need some assistance in sorting out your priorities every now and then, I'd suggest that you read Martha Beck's article from the October issue of Oprah Magazine. It discusses a framework for cutting through all the demands of life to really have the energy and time to focus on what truly matters.
© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
