We have a new baby...

...and her name is Tao. Isn't she beautiful?

She found us last week. I was traveling and Adriano heard some crying in the woods by our house. After three days of hearing the crying, he climbed over the fence to investigate and there was this little beauty. She was pinned under some wood and tangled up in some wire...the poor thing. We're pretty certain she was a wild dog, as there were about four others like her and a larger dog that scattered once Adriano got over the wall. Well, he rescued her and then took her in to mend her foot. She's doing fine now. Her foot is all better. And in the meantime, Adriano and I have fallen in love. So, we're adopting her! She's "our girl!" According to the vet, she's about 2 months old.

And, interestingly, I think she's giving me a preview into the over protective, mother hen parenting style that Adriano will expend with vengeance one day when we have a child. He's such a worry wart...afraid she'll fall, that's she's not getting enough food, etc. I never imagined that he would be this way.

Adriano says that he wants a boy for a child, while I feel like we'll have a girl. After seeing the way he acts with Tao, maybe we better have a boy? I fear a girl would never be allowed to leave the house. Something might happen...

Money, fighting and sex

Money
Good Morning America recently interviewed authors Bethany and Scott Palmer about their new book, "First Comes Love, Then Comes Money: A Couple's Guide to Financial Communication". Each of them used to work with couples to create household budgets, payment plans, etc., but quickly learned that "budgets and plans and payments won't mean squat" if "you don't know how to talk about money with your partner" and " if you don't know how to keep financial infidelity from destroying your relationship."

I like the premise of this book because it puts financial communication before the nitty gritty of budget planning and the like, recognizing how fundamental this skill is to finding an agreeable budget that everyone in the family can agree upon and stick to.

If you're interested in reading the highlights of the Palmer's interview on Good Morning America, click here. A big thanks to Andrea for sending this my way!


Fighting
I don't advocate that you make it a regular thing to fight with your spouse. But, let's get real...it happens from time to time.

I came across this post this morning at The Love Coach Blog. Rinatta profiled a psychological study done last year that "found that sleep preserves emotionally charged events." She goes on to say, "This means that if you have a fight with your partner and don’t resolve it before bed, you are more likely to hold on to the fight and your hurt feelings in your permanent memory. Not a good thing for your relationship!" Yikes!

If only we could always control the time of day that a fight comes on... I guess the learning here is, if you know you need to have a conversation with your spouse that you feel could get a little dicey, maybe addressing that topic over morning coffee might be a better plan versus after dinner drinks.


Sex
And finally, the more fun topic of sex...

Last month was "Date Your Mate" month. Casie passed along the following tip from Health Magazine's newsletter on how to keep your sex life fun and interesting.

Find new ways to enjoy each other's bodies, like long massages and strong daily hugs. Have intimate contact outside the bedroom, or write down your fantasies and put them in a "fantasy jar." Take turns picking out of the jar and act out the fantasies. This can build intimacy, trust and great sex.

How much do you mitigate your speech?

I've just finished reading Malcolm Gladwell's, "Outliers: The Story of Success" book. I've always believed that "success" was a series of fortunate events in one's life (which is the premise of the book), but every chapter challenged me to re-evaluate my thoughts on just how far back those advantages that lead to success begin...like at birth! It's a fantastic read. I'd highly recommend it.

One concept that Gladwell talks about in the book, is the impact that cultural legacies have on how people react within specific situations. Specifically, he speaks of "mitigated speech" and how when we are trying to downplay or sugarcoat something, it's very common for people to mitigate their statements. How much we mitigate our statements relates to our cultural heritage, who we're speaking to, the situation, etc.

Generally speaking, the more mitigated a statement becomes the more likely it is that the message intended to be conveyed through that statement will be lost on it's receiver. Gladwell makes this point in his book by sharing this example:

The linguists Ute Fischer and Judith Orasanu once gave the following hypothetical scenario to a group of captains and first officers [training for their flight licenses] and asked them how they would respond:

You notice on the weather radar an area of heavy precipitation 25 miles ahead. [The pilot] is maintaining his present course at Mach .73, even though embedded thunderstorms have been reported in your area and you encounter moderate turbulence. You want to ensure that your aircraft will not penetrate this area.

Question: what do you say to the pilot?

In Fischer's and Orasanu's minds, there were at least six ways to try to persuade the pilot to change course and avoid the bad weather, each with a different level of mitigation.

1. Command: "Turn thirty degrees right." That's the most direct and explicit way of making a point imaginable. It's zero mitigation.

2. Crew Obligation: "I think we need to deviate right about now." Notice the use of "we" and the fact that the request is now much less specific. That's a little softer.

3. Crew Suggestion: "Let's go around the weather." Implicit in this statement is "we're in this together."

4. Query: "Which direction would you like to deviate?" That's even softer than a crew suggestion, because the speaker is conceding that he's not in charge.

5. Preference: "I think it would be wise to turn left or right."

6. Hint: "That return at twenty-five miles looks mean." That's the most mitigated statement of all.

Notice how unclear a "hint" is versus a "command?" Is there even an action requested in the "hint" example? Not that I can see.

I found this concept of mitigated speech really fascinating, especially once I started to relate it to my own life experiences. How many times have you mitigated your speech with your significant other without really conveying your message? I'm guilty of it. In fact, just a few weeks ago I said to Adriano, "You know, days go by and I never go over the bridge," which is the gateway to the city center in Brasilia. No action ensued naturally from his side. He goes "over the bridge" daily. Once I stepped it up a few notches to the suggestion level and said, "Let's go out for sushi tonight at that new place. I need to get out of the house," then, and only then, were my needs met.

Bottom line, next time you're not getting what you want, reflect inward to assess how clear your message was from the start.

I'm back...after a very long hiatus

So, when I wrote my "Headed to Finland" post on April 13, I really did have every intention of getting back to writing the Designing Marriage blog during the week of April 27. Well, life and work got in the way and then a vacation to Chile, so my apologizes to you all. With this post, I'm reinstating my commitment to writing on this blog. More to come tomorrow...

And to all those who have sent me articles over the past few weeks, thinking that they might make good content for the blog, THANK YOU! I've read them all and have saved every one that I'd like to highlight here. They will be forthcoming as well.

It's good to be back. I've missed you all!

Headed to Finland

I wanted to give you all the heads up that I'll be taking a break from writing for the Designing Marriage blog over the next couple of weeks. I'm headed to Finland today for a workshop that I'll be participating in over there.

Over the past few months, I've been working on a grant project intent on developing a new payment strategy/ transaction model for assisting a low-income, Bottom of the Pyramid (BoP) community in purchasing a shared resource, such as water harvesting equipment. To date, I've been advising the research team remotely in their in-field data collection efforts in rural areas of the Philippines and in India. This week and next, the team and myself are meeting in Helsinki, Finland to analyze the data that has been collected and conceptualize a new transaction model for selling shared resources to BoP communities.

I'm expecting the workshop–which is 8 days in length–to be pretty intense, so I will bid you all farewell for now. I likely will be posting periodic updates regarding the workshop's progress on the Sylver blog (just launched last week), so feel free to check it out if interested. Otherwise, I'll reconvene with you all during the week of April 27.

Do you need a marriage checkup?

Back in November 2008, I wrote about the "Marriage Checkup" program being created by James V. Cordova, Ph.D. His much anticipated book is about to hit bookstores (I believe late this month), so the marketing efforts for the book are in high gear now.

Just today, MSN reprinted a Redbook article that gives a preview into the questions covered in the checkup. Among them are:

1. Are we curious about each other — and do we express it?
2. Do we each understand when the other needs advice versus simply needing support?
3. How's the sex?

If you've answered "not sure" or "no" to questions 1 and 2 and "could be better" to question 3, I'd suggest you read the Redbook article mentioned above. It might give you some ideas on how shake up your relationship and get you and your partner connecting again.

=======================================================
A big thanks to Lynn for passing along the MSN article!

Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day

"A good marriage is a bit like a pet boa constrictor: either you feed it every day or bad things happen."- Ty Wenger

I found this analogy intriguing and humorous. I hope you do too.

I also found Ty's article in Redbook chock full of good ideas on how to be a happy couple. Basically he shares strategies that he and his wife and others practice to stay involved in one another's lives and connected as individuals. Enjoy!

Can I be trusted to know what's in my best interest?

Consider yourselves forewarned...this concept is a hard one to grasp, but a good one.

I do not perceive my own best interests. - Marianna Williamson

I'll be honest, I had to listen to Marianne Williamson's March 3 "Miracle Thought for the Day" podcast three times before I truly understood what she was talking about. The concept of me not knowing what might be within my best interest seemed ludicrous, that is until I really got what she was saying.

Paraphrasing, Marianne says that all of what's happened to us in the past affects how we react and respond to the present. When we need to make a decision in the present, we bring all those thoughts and energies from our past to influence the behavior or actions that we deem appropriate to resolve or respond to the current issue(s) garnering our attention. If your past has been all peaches and roses, lucky you...proceed as is. If not, you've got some work to do.

If you have a past that's not so perfect, Marianne says that you need to check your thoughts at the door and enter the situation "empty." By doing this, she says you're admitting that you don't "know" how the story will end and that you're open for the miracles, big and small, that will come into your life, guiding you through that situation.

To those who are religious, they probably read the commentary above and say, "Of course, this is what God does." I'd agree. But I'd also go further to say that this is why it's important to surround yourself with people who've had varied experiences in life, as it's the counsel from all of these people collectively that will challenge you on what you "know" and encourage you to enter situations "empty" and open to the miracle of seeing and reacting to things differently than possibly your past might predict.

Bottom line
We can all overcome the unpleasantness of our past, but have to be open to the concepts of "forgiveness" and "forget."

Wisdom from the pages of "Oprah"

I was catching up on my magazine reading last night, reading the March 2009 issue of "Oprah," and came across a phrase that I thought to be of "Aha" quality.

"Will my response help create the relationship I want or damage it?" - Peter Walsh

This question relates a lot to a post I wrote a few weeks ago called, "Do you react or respond?" Asking yourself this question above, before reacting to the situation, gives you the permission to pause. Answering this question ensures that you've accounted for the consequence of your reaction. And if inserted into the "heat of the moment," you might find that the dynamics of the interaction, whether it be with your spouse, friend or colleague, will change dramatically, as it forces you to view the relationship as a whole, instead of wading around in the details as any argument promotes.

Happy? Yes/ No

On my first day of grad school a professor gave the assignment to write a bio. He wanted to be educated about who we were, where we had come from, and what we hoped our new graduate education might enable us to do. In addition, he asked us to share what drove us as individuals.

I took a very "macro" approach to answering the question "what drives you?" My answer was simple: happiness.

This was not the answer the professor was expecting, nor the answer that he felt was appropriate. He didn't quite single me out, but gave "the class" the opportunity to make adjustments to their bios, saying that some were a little too "touchy-feely." To this day, I'm still not sure that I was one of the students that he wanted to alter their bios. Although, I distinctly remember getting that uncomfortable "He's talking to me" feeling as he was addressing the class. So, I thought about rewriting my bio for a day or two, yet eventually decided against it. While I could write about a number of things that "drive" me (that might be more expected within a business context), they still all equal "happiness" when stripped down to their core.

I have weekly "Happiness Check-ins" with myself. A simple question is asked, "Are you happy?" If the answer is "yes," I proceed as is. If the answer is "no," the dissection process begins. And the following questions proceed in rapid succession:

• How are you feeling? (i.e. sad, stifled, tired unappreciated, etc.)
• Why are you feeling this way?
• What needs to change to make you feel happy again?

To some (like the professor in grad school), this "drive" towards happiness may seem a bit too ethereal. Yet, from past experience, I can say that it's these regular "Happiness Check-ins" (plus the guts to instigate change when the answer to the happiness question is "no") that help me ensure I'm leading the life I want to lead.

Now that I'm married, I think these "Happiness Check-ins" are even more important than when I was single. In the years of being with Adriano, I've found that when I'm upset and irritated with him (without necessarily being able to pinpoint why), that 8 times out of 10 my "unhappiness" has nothing to do with him. He, unfortunately, is just the closest person to which I can project my unhappiness, hoping to feel better by doing so. When in reality, my problem is related to something that I'm not doing for myself and my body is screaming, "Enough!"

What makes me "unhappy?" Many things can cause this, but most typically for me, my happiness level goes down when I'm consistently giving my time and energy to other people, without reserving any for myself.

It usually takes me a bit to ponder why specifically I'm not "happy" and then a day or two to start executing a plan to ensure that "happiness" returns. Miraculously, once the plan is in action, my positive energy returns, flowing into everything in my life, from my marriage to the myriad of other relationships and ambitions that I have. And then everything is set and "on track" until the next "happiness" glitch occurs.

Marriage = Work

Like others, I've been impressed with the Obama marriage. You can tell that they deeply respect and love one another by the way they interact with each other. Reading recent reports in "Oprah" and "People," where Michelle Obama has publicly debunked the theory that they have a "perfect" marriage makes me like them even more as a couple. She acknowledges that her and Barack have a strong marriage, but that they have to work at it.

It's that word "work" that seems to make many people's back go up when associated with marriage. Why, I can't really understand. After all, doesn't nearly everything else in life worth having require work? For instance, if you want a strong career, you need to put the time into paying your dues, creating connections and demonstrating your value. If you want strong friendships, you need to invest time in people, connecting with one another and sharing the joys and frustrations that you have in life. The list of all that we must "work at" to achieve success can go on and on and on. Yet, somehow, the fact that "marriage" requires "work" is something that many people seem to want to turn a blind eye to. They're hesitant to have their romanticized version of marriage (as taught in US culture at least) fall away.

Yet, the reality is that in order to have a strong marriage you have to "work at" it. "Work" in this case shouldn't be considered a negative thing or a particularly frustrating or daunting proposition. For instance, if you feel like you need/ want to pound your head against the wall daily because of your spouse, you have big problems brewing. This is not the definition of "work" that I hope to convey when stating that marriage requires "work."

"Work" in the context of marriage, at least for me, could be described more concretely with words like "focus," "connection," "communication," "support," and "intention." When I keep these "vectors of work" top of mind, I'd say that mine and Adriano's marriage gets as near "perfect" as I could expect. When everything else in life demands our time and these "vectors of work" start to fall by the wayside, distance seeps into our relationship.

To be honest, we're in need of a spruce up. We've both been putting so much time into our "work, work" (i.e. jobs) lately that we've been neglecting a bit the needs of our relationship. I'd say we're still practicing the vectors of "support" and "intention," but "focus," "connection", and "communication" are in desperate need of realignment. I think we've got some homework to do.

How about you? What terms would you use to define "work" as it relates to your marriage?

Tips for nurturing a long-distance marriage

Sorry I've been a bit MIA these last few weeks. There's been a lot going on. I've been heads down trying to finish some projects and have been traveling quite a bit as well. I spent two weeks in the US at the start of the month. My schedule is always crazy when I'm there.

Tips for surviving a long-distance marriage
While in the US, I came across this article about tips for surviving a long-distance marriage. Being that Adriano and I spend approximately 6 months apart in a given year, the tips provided were highly relevant to he and I. To go further, I'd specifically endorse these few as essential.

• Set aside specific times to connect on the phone or through technological advances, such as Webcams or Skype.
• Keep communication at a hyper level. It's not crazy to talk five times a day or more to a long-distance spouse.
• Have regular "relationship checkups," focusing on how it's going and whether the needs of both spouses are being met.
• If possible, set a goal to move back together by a specific date.

Now to further the list...

You need to know when it's not the right time to connect
I'd also add that sometimes you just have to know when it's not the right time to talk or connect...because an unfocused conversation can do more damage than not having one at all. Case in point, one night Adriano called while I was in the US. He was already in bed, half sleeping on the phone. I was still sitting in front of my computer, trying to finish up whatever I had to do for that day. At that point in time, we weren't each other's priority and we both knew it. After a few moments of mediocre conversation, I had suggested we hang up and plan to talk the next night at 7pm. Adriano reluctantly agreed and I felt guilty about not being able to focus on him and "us" at that moment.

So, imagine my delight and surprise when I got the following email from Adriano the next morning.

Hi my love,
These last few days have been so crazy and fast paced that my head is still a bit fuzzy, cannot think very straight. I was thinking this morning, while taking a shower, that you were so right about last night not being the right time to chat over the phone. I think couples sometimes cannot read their partner and their state of mind. It was a great insight for me.

Things here are going well so far. Not too busy and being able to do my stuff. Let's chat a bit later? I could try to call you from work...I found out a way to use a voip system they have in place.

Bjs, Dri

This email made me so happy. I felt that trying to force a conversation that night would have been bad. Too many other things were on our minds, particularly mine as I was anxiously trying to finish my work day at 10pm! Getting the email was validation that we were both on the same page about this, even if we weren't initially. I felt loved, respected and appreciated.

Leverage technology to it's fullest
Pictures help a lot too in feeling close to one another. Nearly all of us have cell phones with cameras embedded into them these days. Sometimes Adriano and I are better at this than others, but when we do focus on talking pictures of what we're doing throughout the day it helps. Not only do we feel more connected, but the photos become excellent probes for conversation later.

Wrap-up
You could say that Adriano and I are becoming "experts" in knowing how to keep our marriage alive across distance. I don't know if it ever really becomes "easier," but the tips offered above (and my adds) can go a long way in minimizing the emotional distance between the two of you while you're apart.

Can Parenting Techniques Work on Adults?

My friend, Andrea, sent me this charming article, on using parenting techniques to avoid and solve conflict with your spouse. It's a funny read and an interesting approach. It's worth a look.

Do You React or Respond?

"Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it." - Author John Maxwell

Do you react or respond? This is the question that Marianne Williamson posed in her "Miracle Thought of the Day" podcast. I think this is an interesting question to reflect upon.

When you REACT the results are haphazard as the thought put into your actions is shallow at best. Yet, when you RESPOND you've thought through your response and they way it may be perceived. In essence, you've responsibly assessed the situation and are reacting from an informed position. The end result will always better when your responding versus reacting.

I think this is food for thought for every aspect of our lives. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

How I Define "Love" In My Marriage

Clint Black's song, "Something That We Do," has always captured what I wanted the role of "love" to be in my marriage (prior to meeting Adriano). And, consequently, what it has become. These few lyrics capture the sentiment for me perfectly.

Love isn't something that we have
It's something that we do
We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and where you start

How about you? What's the role of "love" in your marriage? © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

"Sacrifice" Has An Expiration Date

I watched "Revolutionary Road" last weekend. The movie hasn't left me since. It was such a powerful example of what happens when repeatedly your needs as a person aren't met. Initially you fight to be heard, and when you're still not listened to, you emotionally distance yourself and then eventually leave.

The themes of this story have been circling around in my head all week as I start to make connections to statements that I've heard from family and friends over the past few months. I thought I'd take a few moments to share these comments and my commentary on them because as "Revolutionary Road" so dramatically shares, "sacrifice" does in fact have an expiration date. And quite possibly the scariest part of that expiration date is that the actual date is unknown until it has arrived.

Comment #1: Both people in a marriage can't be "up" simultaneously
I think this statement is absolutely false. I definitely believe that both people within a marriage can be "up" at the same time. They can both feel as though they are doing everything that they are intended to do simultaneously. One does not always need to be sacrificing their ambitions and dreams to support that of the other.

That's not to say that at times in your marriage one of you may not make a sacrifice to support the other. Me moving to Brazil to support Adriano and his commitment to the Brazilian government is a perfect example of this. But, this support has an expiration date. I refuse to spend my life feeling as though I'm sacrificing my own ambitions and dreams to simply support his. He understands and respects this. We talk about this. And we're working together to find that time and place again where neither of us feels as though we are "sacrificing."

We had this time in Chicago, when I was starting Sylver Consulting and he was doing his PhD. I know we'll have this time again. But, in order to get there it takes some good, hard listening skills and the gumption to embrace change.

Comment #2: If I'm successful, then she/he will be happy.
News flash...it doesn't work that way. You can be super successful at your work, for instance, but that doesn't translate to happiness for your spouse in the same rewarding manner. They need something to hold onto, something to call their own. Without this personal excitement, any happiness that they feel for what you're doing and accomplishing will at best be kept an arm's length away from their heart and the sentiment that makes a person feel "settled" and "fulfilled."

Yet, ironically, an unhappy spouse can do a ton of damage to the happiness level of the other. So again, I think the moral here is that you need to listen to one another and then follow through on supporting each other in finding that "thing" in life that makes each other feel as though they have a purpose.

So, why does "sacrifice" has an expiration date?
The reality is, we can control no one but ourselves. We can control how we communicate and react to others. But we can't make other people do things that they don't want to do.

If you feel as though you're sacrificing parts of yourself repeatedly (and without proper acknowledgment of this by your spouse), then it's you that has the responsibility to speak up and say something. Your spouse then has the opportunity to listen and react positively to your needs. If they choose not to, then there is little that you can do. More than likely, you'll continue to state your needs. If your needs continue to fall on deaf ears, you'll distance yourself until one day, seemingly spontaneously, you'll say, "I love you, but I love me more." It's this day that you'll finally take things into your own hands and make your own destiny, possibly alone in the world.

Bottom line
A marriage is about two. There isn't room for the "me" mentality to show up on a daily basis. Every decision made has to factor in the impacts of this situation on each of you independently and as a couple. When you fail to do this, that's when problems emerge. When those problems go repeatedly unacknowledged this is when separation seems to be the only answer. So, listen, listen, listen! Talk about your dreams and strategize how you both can align things to support those needs. You'll be happier and more connected as a result, I promise! © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

A Couple Interesting Articles

I now have readers sending me articles that they feel are worthy of being shared via this blog. Sometimes I create posts around them and other times not. Here are a couple that are worth the read, but ones that I likely won't focus a whole post around. Enjoy!

Ten ways to be happy in marriage
I think the title alone gives a good indicator of what this post is all about.

How emotional distance ruins marriage
A shout out to the High Point/ Low Point game is given here, sighting it as an excellent way to reduce the emotional distance between you and your partner. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Federal Money Being Used To Promote Marriage

I learned this morning through the Detroit Free Press that federal money is being spent on a public service campaign touting the benefits of getting married, hoping to inspire younger people to take the leap sooner than current trends indicate. There are a few things that rub me the wrong way about this.

1. $5 million of federal money is being spent on this.
Come on...couldn't this money be better spent elsewhere? We're in the midst of a recession trying to keep our heads above water here.

2. Does it really make sense to "push" people into getting married?
I think marriage works best when people decide that they're ready to get married, even if it takes a longer time frame than "normal" to come to that decision.

I liken the decision of when to marry to the decision regarding when to have kids. When Adriano and I first got married, when asked if we wanted kids our response was, "We think so, but aren't sure when." Today our answer is different. "Yes. We plan to start trying next year." We're ready now, we weren't then. We weren't spending a lot of time thinking about it because we weren't ready. Everything comes in due time if it's right.

3. Do we really need to put more social pressure on people to act a certain way?
For every decision that we have in life, someone else has an opinion or judgment regarding whether we've made the right choice. This happens enough amongst our peers and family. Does the government really need to get involved as well? I don't think so.

I actually think young people need to be taught more independent thinking skills. They need to be able to distinguish between what social norms predict they should do next and what they feel the right next decision is for them. Had I gone by the social norm of my hometown, I would have been married at 21, with my first kid at 22. But that's not the path that I wanted for myself. Instead, I got married at 26 and still have no kids. And I have no regrets about the choices that I've made to date. I think by getting married at a slightly later age, I've been able to be a better wife. Likewise, I think I'll be able to be a better mom in my 30s than I probably would have been in my 20s.

4. If the government is going to start endorsing messages regarding marriage, then maybe they should embrace a consistent message.
I find it extremely ironic that the government is spending so much money to encourage marriage amongst heterosexual couples, while simultaneously spending great amounts of energy and money working to prohibit the unions of homosexuals. If the whole point of this public service campaign is to highlight the benefits of marriage (which are "better health, greater wealth and more happiness for the couple" according to research), then why is the message different dependent of whether you're gay or straight? It seems a little hypocritical to me.

Bottom line
I think the government is entering territory that it has no business being in. I think this is an irresponsible use of federal money and the messages that this campaign seeks to deliver are messages that are much more effective when delivered at a local level, like at your community center, church, etc.

Say What You Mean

It's sort of a no brainer to say that we're not all mind readers. On a theoretical level we all know this...we get it. Yet, in practice, way too often this concept gets lost. We only say or do half of what we mean and hope the other person will make the leap in connecting the dots to know what your true motives or intentions are. It's no wonder that we get lost in communication.

Throughout my years of consulting experience I've learned that vagueness gets you no where. You have to be direct and to the point. I find that this principle, when followed, fairs pretty well in your personal life as well.

Case in point, over the holidays Adriano and I were shopping. I had been given a gift that was a duplicate of something that I already owned, so I wanted to exchange the gift for something different, something I'd actually use. We went to the store, which turned out to be a place so out of line with my general style and personality and then super expensive on top of that. Adriano and I scoured the store trying to find something that I liked or wanted within the price range of the gift that I had to exchange. The best thing we found was a wine corker, which fell about $12 below the money we had to spend.

We couldn't find anything else in the store to purchase that was less than $12 or really anything else in the store that I wanted. So, in the end, I said, "It doesn't matter. I found something I'll use. We'll purchase the wine corker and then turn around to the next person in line. They'll get $12 toward their purchase. It'll make their day and the extra money won't go to waste." Never would I find myself driving specifically out to this store in the Chicago suburbs to shop again.

So, I'm up at the counter, purchasing the wine corker. At this moment, Adriano finds a box of mints that's going for about $3. He pushed three my way saying, "Here, these are $3." I'm thinking that he's just trying to find a way to spend the $12 that we have left on the exchange. And, by now, I'm really digging the idea of being able to make someone else's day. I totally missed the point that he actually wanted the mints and didn't get them.

Well, you can imagine what happened. Adriano was a bit upset with me. I didn't understand why. Finally it comes out that he really wanted the mints and why did I deny him that, etc.

Needless to say, this is a very minor example, but indicative all the same to the confusion that will prevail if you simply don't say what you mean. So the next time you don't "get your way," it might be good practice to reflect on whether you truly communicated what you needed or wanted. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

What To Do When You Have No Positive Role Models

In response to Friday's post, "Did You Marry Your Father (or Mother?)", my friend, Judy, so rightfully mentioned that in addition to gravitating towards mates that emulate behaviors similar to that of your parents, it's not uncommon, once in that relationship, to model your union after your parent's interactions in their marriage. Which got me thinking...what do you do when you don't have a good role model for what a marriage should be?

I think it starts by noting what you think a good marriage should be. And then looking around at friends, co-workers, relatives, celebrities, etc. to see who emulates those behaviors and whom you might be able to adopt as your "marriage guides", per se. It's probably better if you're involved with these people personally, as you'll get face time to ask questions. But, I don't think it's necessary. The point is simply to aspire to share certain qualities that your "marriage guides" demonstrate in interacting with their partner.

A good example of an outside the family-friend network "marriage guide" might be Michelle and Barack Obama. They seem to have a strong and egalitarian relationship, as Newsweek reported this weekend. This is a quality that Adriano and I aspire to and generally do pretty well at accomplishing I think.

Another outside the family-friend network "marriage guide" that Adriano and I reference frequently is Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. At least in their earlier years (before their kids were of school age), you rarely found these two separated. They toured together, recorded together, etc. When Adriano and I worked so intimately together at Sylver Consulting we used to joke that we were the Faith Hill and Tim McGraw couple of the design research and planning strategy world. Now that Sylver Consulting has grown, we don't get to travel together for work quite as frequently. I miss this about us, as does Adriano. I guess maybe this should be a renewed goal for us for 2009-10. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Did You Marry Your Father (or Mother)?

I did. Adriano has a number of characteristics that are similar to my father's. His mind is always working, looks at every barrier as a challenge, finds solutions in the craziest things (duct tape factors in heavily here!) and treats everyone with kindness and respect. I found a man who possesses all the wonderful qualities of my father and for this reason I "did good," in the words of my dad. : )

Likewise, I think Adriano married his mother. A funny story...at the end of 2007 I went to see a psychic in NYC with my girlfriend, Sandy. As soon as I sat down in front of the psychic he said very matter-a-factly, "You're mother-in-law must be a strong woman. Your husband wouldn't know how to handle you otherwise." At first I didn't know how to response. Honestly, this was the first thing the psychic said to me. I didn't know whether this was an insult or a compliment? I didn't quite know how to react. But the truth is, after reflection on his comment, and especially after spending more time with my mother-in-law, there's no getting around it, we are a lot alike. I'd hope that Adriano would say that I possess all the good qualities of his mom too, but I'll have to let him weigh in on that one.

So why do I bring up this question? CNN sort of instigated this post, as my friend, Andrea, sent me an article published Wednesday at their site called, "Why You're Likely to Marry Your Parent." But additionally this is a topic that I've talked about with friends over the years. Yet in most cases, the stories told haven't been quite as favorable as the one I just shared about Adriano. No, in most cases, friends have gravitated towards men (or women) who emulate all the negative behaviors of their parents. CNN's article gives a glimpse into why that might happen, from things such as trying to right old wrongs to gaining comfort in familiarity.

You can wallow in the "whys," but I choose to live life based on the perspective that we all have the opportunity to do right for ourselves on a daily basis. Sure some of us have had more messed up childhoods than others. And maybe some haven't had the best role models to know fully what a constructive relationship is, looks like or feels like. But, I think if you can identify what you don't want to be or do, then this is your starting point. And this can become your check list; your way of monitoring your own behavior within the relationship and qualifying the other people that you allow into your life. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

The Best Marriage Advice Ever Received

Ahhh...the power of analogies.

I came across this short article this morning in the The Christian Science Monitor. In it, the author, Mark Musolf, shares the best marriage advice he ever received, coincidentally from his father-in-law.

His father-in-law, Ray, likened marriage to owning your first home. You're initially enamored with the idea of having a new home that's all yours. And not knowing any better, you tend to underestimate the effort required to maintain the beauty and functionality of that home over time. He cautions his soon to be son-in-law that marriage operates in just the same way. And just as you need tools to repair your home from time to time, you need the tools of patience, consideration, kindness and love to ensure that your marriage doesn't loose its luster as time passes. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Fireproof: A review

A few weeks ago I wrote a post questioning whether a movie can save a marriage. The movie in question is "Fireproof." Adriano and I had a chance to finally watch it last night and so I thought I'd offer a bit of a review.

You have to get past the bad acting and out of sync audio initially, but once you do, you get immersed in the movie's beautiful story. It's about a struggling marriage. Both partners are on the verge of calling it quits. They don't feel love for one another any more, only resentment and irritation. On a dare from his father, Caleb (Kirk Cameron) gives himself 40 days of following the principles of the "The Love Dare" to see if he can turn his marriage around. The movie takes the viewer on the journey of what that experience was like for he and his wife, giving glimpses into how each of them needed to change the ways they viewed and thought of their marriage (and their behavior in it) in order to find common ground and love again.

So, do I think this movie could save a marriage? Adriano and I think "Fireproof" has a great message and offers hope to couples ready to give up. It offers a plan, a regimen, for finding common ground again; a prescription for how to renew your love. I think if people follow the plan, the chances for success are high.

I questioned in the original post on this topic if this movie would be a good one for any couple to watch, regardless of what state your marriage was in. I thought it might offer some tips and techniques on how to be a better spouse even if you weren't on the verge of walking out. There are a few things offered in the movie, although subtle. It's really about saving a marriage on the brink of divorce. Yet, despite this, there was one philosophy that resonated with Adriano and I.

One of the love dares was to "study" your partner. The principle behind this is that when you're dating someone you're constantly learning more about them. Yet, oftentimes, once you get married that constant learning stops. You assume that you know everything there is to know about that person when in reality, at best, you only have a high school diploma's worth of knowledge about that person. You need to keep studying to get your Masters and Ph.D.

Adriano and I have questioned what level of knowledge we have about each other since watching this movie yesterday. I think we've surmised that we have a bit more than a high school diploma, but don't quite yet have the Masters. We both agree that having a child, seeing how we interact with that child and each other once that child arrives, that this likely will be the learning curve required to give us the Master's degree on each other.

I'd love to hear the thoughts of anyone else that has watched the movie. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

To all those regular contestants of the nightly bed sheet competition...

...your sparring days could be over, making you a happier playmate during the day.

The Startup Nation Blog featured a new invention yesterday, DoubleUps for Beds. Taken from the post write up:

While they appear seamless when the bed is made, DoubleUps for Beds flat sheets are comprised of a right and a left sheet that is connected with a uniquely designed sew box. This box creates a slight overlap in the bottom center of the sheet, but enables both sides to move and stay covered independently of each other.

If interested, the blog post above shows images of what the product actually looks like. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Till Children Do Us Part

Stephanie Coontz, author of "Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage" wrote an interesting article for the NY Times today called "Till Children Do Us Part." Basically her research shows that today, both moms and dads are spending more contact hours with their children on a weekly basis than they ever have in the past, even when it wasn't so common for both mom and dad to have full-time, outside-of-the-home types of jobs. She theorizes that this might be why "more than 25 separate studies have established that marital quality drops, often quite steeply, after the transition to parenthood." Bottom line, mom and dad just aren't getting enough time alone, enough quality time, under the current arrangement.

Adriano and I don't have children yet. We hope to have one child some time in the not-so-distant future, but we're waiting until our life evens out a bit before making that giant step forward. But, with that said, we are of that age when many of our friends, cousins, and sisters are starting to have children. We're witnessing first-hand how the introduction of a little one taxes the new parents.

Growing up my parents always made it a priority for the two of them to go on vacation for one week a year sans children. My sister, Allison, and I were shipped around to different aunts and uncles for the week, while Mom and Dad enjoyed themselves and reconnected. I never found this odd or unfavorable as a kid. It was something that they just did. Now that I'm an adult, I think it's genius. And frankly, I don't think new parents do this often enough.

Now that the concept of parenthood is within the frame of mine and Adriano's reference, I'm starting to think of how do we do this without loosing the sense of "us" as well. Don't get me wrong...I'm super excited about being a mom, as is Adriano about being a dad. But, I don't want to become the couple where they end up living parallel lives in the same house, unconnected to one another, because they've given everything to their children and have left nothing for themselves.

So, I have an idea. It's sort of a Reverse Play Date kind of concept, but this time it's about mom and dad versus little Johnny. When we do have children, I'd like to find a couple that is in a similar position as we, meaning they've recently become new parents and have a child about the same age as ours. Every week (or every other week) we babysit for one another, while the childless couple gets to go out, enjoy themselves, and connect with one another on an adult level.

I think this arrangement would work and really can't understand why more couples don't do it. It seems current babysitter fees are a barrier to granting yourselves adult time. Under this arrangement, this barrier seizes to exist. And if you typically get free child care through parents or grandparents in the area, you don't have to worry about feeling as though you're taking advantage of them. Under this scenario, you and the other couple that you're in cahoots with get equal benefits for equal work.

Granted, this perspective is coming from a woman who does not yet have children of her own. So, if those parents out there think I'm way off base, please let me know. I'm also interested in knowing all the other ways couples have found to steal some time away for themselves once they've segwayed into parenthood. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

The Eight+ Stages of Relationships

My friend Judy sent me this interesting article, "The Eight+ Stages of Relationships" by Love Coach Rinatta. Love Coach Rinatta writes a blog related to love (hence the name) and offers a number of services related to marriage and relationship counseling. I have no idea if her classes are good or how successful people who have taken her classes have been in improving their relationships. I simply found this article to be interesting. It got me questioning where Adriano and I "are" (meaning what stage are we in) in our relationship. I think we're in "Stage #5: Growth" on track one.

To visualize the path of relationships that Love Coach Rinatta puts forth, I drew up a little diagram. You'll need to read her article to get the details about what each stage means. You'll see that "Stage #4: The Power Struggle" is highlighted in yellow. From what I understand, how a couple navigates through "The Power Struggle" stage of their relationship ultimately impacts whether they proceed down track one (a life full of intimacy and love) versus track two (a life saddened with distance between you and your partner). And how you navigate "The Power Struggle" stage ultimately comes down to how effectively you and your partner can communicate about what the issues of the "Power Struggle" are and personally reflect and take responsibility for your respective roles in initially creating, and subsequently sustaining, that "power struggle."

I think mine and Adriano's "power struggle" was the move to Brazil. I knew from almost the day that I met Adriano that if I were to marry him that I would need to live a chapter of my life in Brazil. I found the year leading up to "the move" extremely stressful, not knowing when it would happen exactly and feeling so uncertain about what a move like this would mean to me personally and long-term for my professional career. I was in denial that this event would happen in some respects and yet, there it was, always starring me in the face.

Once we actually moved to Brazil, my world was turned upside down. I lost all sense of who I was temporarily. I felt alienated, alone and completely disconnected to Adriano. Nothing felt familiar, from the obvious things like language and the things around me to the not so obvious things like how Adriano and I, on a very fundamental level, interacted with one another. Every aspect of my life that made me feel independent and "together" was simultaneously ripped away from me. And, yet, I still stood.

Today, I feel as though we have advanced from "The Power Struggle" phase onto "Stage #5: Growth." We've been in Brazil for 15 months now. In that time I think we've grown stronger as a couple, have certainly improved the way we communicate and listen to each other, and I've gotten to know him in a way that I never would have had the opportunity to without this experience. I've gotten to know Adriano's culture and family intimately, which has been wonderful and something that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I'm glad to know that Adriano and I are on Track One, meaning pursuing a life full of intimacy and love. But, there are two things that I've learned and know for sure after the last year:

1. You can never take your partner for granted. Every day that you fail to listen, fail to talk, fail to address each other's needs and wishes, is a day that brings distance between the two of you. Once that distance gets too great it's hard to come back together again. And so, every day I'm conscious to be vigilant about the needs of my marriage because I don't think "marriage just happens." No, marriage needs attention and love every day to grow and prosper.
   
   
2. A lot of strength can be gained by knowing that you're not the only one. One month into being in Brazil, I picked up the book "A Moveable Marriage: Relocate Your Relationship without Breaking It." This book was a godsend to me. I realized that what I was feeling (the loneliness, sadness, etc.) was normal for woman who were following their husbands to another part of the world. Reading Robin Pascoe's words gave me some confidence that maybe I wasn't so crazy after all, that maybe I had a reason to be pissed off and that I was validated in standing up to what I wasn't liking about my situation. Maybe this article by the Love Coach will be the same thing for other people? When you don't feel like you're the only one who has ever experienced something, for some reason it seems more manageable to overcome what's bothering you. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
   

What was the strangest part of your day?

Back in November 2008 I wrote about the communication game, High Point/ Low Point, that Adriano and I play generally Monday through Friday. Last week we added another dimension into that communication framework. In addition to asking what the high and low points of what each other's day were, we've started asking, "What was the strangest thing that happened to you today?" Again, it's opened up the gates of communication. By asking this simple question to each other we learn something else about each other's experiences for that day that we might not otherwise have known. Is this bit of knowledge often groundbreaking and terribly important? No. But it does make me (and he) feel more included in one another's lives when we're not together, which is awesome. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

The Year of Change

It seems that 2009 is the year of "change." It was Obama's campaign promise before we even knew the significance of what that meant personally to us on a day-to-day level. And now, three months after he's been elected and four months after the crash of the markets, I don't think there is a single person who isn't feeling "change," whether they are yearning for it, resisting it, or both, depending on the topic we're talking about.

A few weeks ago I made reference to the tumultuous start that 2009 has been for my family and friends. To sum it up, the last two months have been about illness, unexpected surgeries, deaths, relationships breaking up...honestly, so many things seem to be upendeding simultaneously that's it's almost laughable. (Because if you don't laugh you're going to cry).

Well, all this change happening within the economy, my life personally, etc. has gotten me thinking and theorizing. This is clean out time. I've always believed that life (or fate or God or all the above) have a way of making sure you're doing what you need to be doing when you need to be doing it. Initially you get signs (hints if you will) that change is coming. You can choose to be aware of these hints and embrace the change or you can sweep the hints under the rug and be blind-sided. Regardless, change will come.

And 2009 I think is a year of massive change (or as the folks at this week's World Economic Forum are saying, "Transformational change.") Basically, this is the year when everything that is not working, whether that be our financial markets, jobs, or relationships...everything is getting a shake up. Everything will get righted again...eventually. So, the questions are:

• Are you taking the hints of where in your life shake up is about to occur?
• And more importantly, how are you preparing yourself for that change?

I think it's time for all of us to reflect. And to help with that reflection, I have two articles to share.

The first article is another great one by Martha Beck. It's about trying to escape your rat race. The tag line of the article questions, "Feeling trapped by a job, relationship, or routine, but terrified to make a change?" It's worth reading the whole article, but a game presented within it of "You're Getting Warmer, You're Getting Colder" I thought was great. Quoting Martha:

It isn't necessary to know exactly how your ideal life will look; you only have to know what feels better and what feels worse. If something feels both good and bad, break it down into its components to see which are warm, which are cold. Begin making choices based on what makes you feel freer and happier, rather than how you think an ideal life should look.

The second article, also from the January 2009 issue of Oprah, is called "You Don't Need More Willpower..." This article talks about how to make change that you want happen. There's an interesting exercise that accompanies it from Harvard University researchers Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey. It's designed to help you figure out what's holding you back to achieving the things that you desire. Check it out. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Can a movie save a marriage?

I read this interesting article this morning. Apparently the movie, "Fireproof", due in video stores and for sale today, has a track record of helping couples with troubled marriages patch things up.

I'm curious and a little skeptical at the same time. But, I'm game...I want to watch this movie. Testimonials regarding it are from couples who were separated, on the verge of divorce, who after watching this film found a new way of relating to one another that allowed them to find "love" between them again. Adriano and I aren't having issues in our marriage, thankfully, but there's no harm in preventative care! Hearing of this movie reminds me a bit of my "Marriage Check-up" post from November. After watching the trailer for the movie, I think probably any couple, troubled or not, could gleam some interesting tips and techniques regarding how to continually show their love for one another.

Has anyone seen this movie that reads this blog? I would love to hear your thoughts on it if you have. Once I have a chance to watch it, I'll be sharing my reactions as well. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

If it's not working, fix it

Wow...what a crazy month! There have been a lot of good moments (my husband was in the US for the first time in over a year...yeah!). Yet, there have been a lot of stressful and troubling moments as well, the most recent being my Dad needing emergency bypass surgery on his heart. It's an understatement to say that I'd like to fast forward to the "lighter" moments of 2009...that must be around the corner. (I don't think I can take much more.)

For all the troubles that the last month has offered, it's also provided much time for reflection. When all is said and done, I think the following principle offers most of the wisdom required to live a fulfilled life.

When some thing's not working, fix it
The role of "victim" is over played by many. Yes, we all at some point in our lives get the short end of the stick, whether that means someone treats us unfairly, sickness hits us, a family member or a friend, a job is lost, etc. It's acceptable to temporarily have a stunned reaction. We can be hurt, upset, ticked off, depressed, etc., but eventually (and hopefully sooner rather than later) we stand up for ourselves and take action.

I learned a long time ago that much of your environment and other people's emotions and actions you cannot control. The only thing that is within your "power" is to control your reactions to the facts of your situation. If you look at the facts, they can be empowering and transformative, offering you the guidelines required to move forward and giving you the necessary kick in the butt to change your situation.

I encourage everyone to do an audit of your life. Is there something in your life causing you to be disappointed, uncomfortable, or sad? Dissect the facts of that situation. What's happening? How can you change your reaction to that situation to regain a sense of happiness with yourself and a different perspective of the situation?

Challenges offer opportunities to overcome them. They offer opportunities for learning about yourself. You can choose to see the silver lining in everything that happens in life, good or bad. Or you can choose to be the "victim" and project a "whoa is me" type of attitude. I loose patience with the latter mentality pretty quickly and with all that has happened in the last month...well, I'm done. I'm reclaiming my happiness starting today...dealing with one thing at a time. Enough is enough! © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved