Till Children Do Us Part

Stephanie Coontz, author of "Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage" wrote an interesting article for the NY Times today called "Till Children Do Us Part." Basically her research shows that today, both moms and dads are spending more contact hours with their children on a weekly basis than they ever have in the past, even when it wasn't so common for both mom and dad to have full-time, outside-of-the-home types of jobs. She theorizes that this might be why "more than 25 separate studies have established that marital quality drops, often quite steeply, after the transition to parenthood." Bottom line, mom and dad just aren't getting enough time alone, enough quality time, under the current arrangement.

Adriano and I don't have children yet. We hope to have one child some time in the not-so-distant future, but we're waiting until our life evens out a bit before making that giant step forward. But, with that said, we are of that age when many of our friends, cousins, and sisters are starting to have children. We're witnessing first-hand how the introduction of a little one taxes the new parents.

Growing up my parents always made it a priority for the two of them to go on vacation for one week a year sans children. My sister, Allison, and I were shipped around to different aunts and uncles for the week, while Mom and Dad enjoyed themselves and reconnected. I never found this odd or unfavorable as a kid. It was something that they just did. Now that I'm an adult, I think it's genius. And frankly, I don't think new parents do this often enough.

Now that the concept of parenthood is within the frame of mine and Adriano's reference, I'm starting to think of how do we do this without loosing the sense of "us" as well. Don't get me wrong...I'm super excited about being a mom, as is Adriano about being a dad. But, I don't want to become the couple where they end up living parallel lives in the same house, unconnected to one another, because they've given everything to their children and have left nothing for themselves.

So, I have an idea. It's sort of a Reverse Play Date kind of concept, but this time it's about mom and dad versus little Johnny. When we do have children, I'd like to find a couple that is in a similar position as we, meaning they've recently become new parents and have a child about the same age as ours. Every week (or every other week) we babysit for one another, while the childless couple gets to go out, enjoy themselves, and connect with one another on an adult level.

I think this arrangement would work and really can't understand why more couples don't do it. It seems current babysitter fees are a barrier to granting yourselves adult time. Under this arrangement, this barrier seizes to exist. And if you typically get free child care through parents or grandparents in the area, you don't have to worry about feeling as though you're taking advantage of them. Under this scenario, you and the other couple that you're in cahoots with get equal benefits for equal work.

Granted, this perspective is coming from a woman who does not yet have children of her own. So, if those parents out there think I'm way off base, please let me know. I'm also interested in knowing all the other ways couples have found to steal some time away for themselves once they've segwayed into parenthood. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved