To visualize the path of relationships that Love Coach Rinatta puts forth, I drew up a little diagram. You'll need to read her article to get the details about what each stage means.
You'll see that "Stage #4: The Power Struggle" is highlighted in yellow. From what I understand, how a couple navigates through "The Power Struggle" stage of their relationship ultimately impacts whether they proceed down track one (a life full of intimacy and love) versus track two (a life saddened with distance between you and your partner). And how you navigate "The Power Struggle" stage ultimately comes down to how effectively you and your partner can communicate about what the issues of the "Power Struggle" are and personally reflect and take responsibility for your respective roles in initially creating, and subsequently sustaining, that "power struggle."I think mine and Adriano's "power struggle" was the move to Brazil. I knew from almost the day that I met Adriano that if I were to marry him that I would need to live a chapter of my life in Brazil. I found the year leading up to "the move" extremely stressful, not knowing when it would happen exactly and feeling so uncertain about what a move like this would mean to me personally and long-term for my professional career. I was in denial that this event would happen in some respects and yet, there it was, always starring me in the face.
Once we actually moved to Brazil, my world was turned upside down. I lost all sense of who I was temporarily. I felt alienated, alone and completely disconnected to Adriano. Nothing felt familiar, from the obvious things like language and the things around me to the not so obvious things like how Adriano and I, on a very fundamental level, interacted with one another. Every aspect of my life that made me feel independent and "together" was simultaneously ripped away from me. And, yet, I still stood.
Today, I feel as though we have advanced from "The Power Struggle" phase onto "Stage #5: Growth." We've been in Brazil for 15 months now. In that time I think we've grown stronger as a couple, have certainly improved the way we communicate and listen to each other, and I've gotten to know him in a way that I never would have had the opportunity to without this experience. I've gotten to know Adriano's culture and family intimately, which has been wonderful and something that I wouldn't trade for anything.
I'm glad to know that Adriano and I are on Track One, meaning pursuing a life full of intimacy and love. But, there are two things that I've learned and know for sure after the last year:
- You can never take your partner for granted. Every day that you fail to listen, fail to talk, fail to address each other's needs and wishes, is a day that brings distance between the two of you. Once that distance gets too great it's hard to come back together again. And so, every day I'm conscious to be vigilant about the needs of my marriage because I don't think "marriage just happens." No, marriage needs attention and love every day to grow and prosper.
- A lot of strength can be gained by knowing that you're not the only one. One month into being in Brazil, I picked up the book "A Moveable Marriage: Relocate Your Relationship without Breaking It."
This book was a godsend to me. I realized that what I was feeling (the loneliness, sadness, etc.) was normal for woman who were following their husbands to another part of the world. Reading Robin Pascoe's words gave me some confidence that maybe I wasn't so crazy after all, that maybe I had a reason to be pissed off and that I was validated in standing up to what I wasn't liking about my situation. Maybe this article by the Love Coach will be the same thing for other people? When you don't feel like you're the only one who has ever experienced something, for some reason it seems more manageable to overcome what's bothering you. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
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