"Sacrifice" Has An Expiration Date

I watched "Revolutionary Road" last weekend. The movie hasn't left me since. It was such a powerful example of what happens when repeatedly your needs as a person aren't met. Initially you fight to be heard, and when you're still not listened to, you emotionally distance yourself and then eventually leave.

The themes of this story have been circling around in my head all week as I start to make connections to statements that I've heard from family and friends over the past few months. I thought I'd take a few moments to share these comments and my commentary on them because as "Revolutionary Road" so dramatically shares, "sacrifice" does in fact have an expiration date. And quite possibly the scariest part of that expiration date is that the actual date is unknown until it has arrived.

Comment #1: Both people in a marriage can't be "up" simultaneously
I think this statement is absolutely false. I definitely believe that both people within a marriage can be "up" at the same time. They can both feel as though they are doing everything that they are intended to do simultaneously. One does not always need to be sacrificing their ambitions and dreams to support that of the other.

That's not to say that at times in your marriage one of you may not make a sacrifice to support the other. Me moving to Brazil to support Adriano and his commitment to the Brazilian government is a perfect example of this. But, this support has an expiration date. I refuse to spend my life feeling as though I'm sacrificing my own ambitions and dreams to simply support his. He understands and respects this. We talk about this. And we're working together to find that time and place again where neither of us feels as though we are "sacrificing."

We had this time in Chicago, when I was starting Sylver Consulting and he was doing his PhD. I know we'll have this time again. But, in order to get there it takes some good, hard listening skills and the gumption to embrace change.

Comment #2: If I'm successful, then she/he will be happy.
News flash...it doesn't work that way. You can be super successful at your work, for instance, but that doesn't translate to happiness for your spouse in the same rewarding manner. They need something to hold onto, something to call their own. Without this personal excitement, any happiness that they feel for what you're doing and accomplishing will at best be kept an arm's length away from their heart and the sentiment that makes a person feel "settled" and "fulfilled."

Yet, ironically, an unhappy spouse can do a ton of damage to the happiness level of the other. So again, I think the moral here is that you need to listen to one another and then follow through on supporting each other in finding that "thing" in life that makes each other feel as though they have a purpose.

So, why does "sacrifice" has an expiration date?
The reality is, we can control no one but ourselves. We can control how we communicate and react to others. But we can't make other people do things that they don't want to do.

If you feel as though you're sacrificing parts of yourself repeatedly (and without proper acknowledgment of this by your spouse), then it's you that has the responsibility to speak up and say something. Your spouse then has the opportunity to listen and react positively to your needs. If they choose not to, then there is little that you can do. More than likely, you'll continue to state your needs. If your needs continue to fall on deaf ears, you'll distance yourself until one day, seemingly spontaneously, you'll say, "I love you, but I love me more." It's this day that you'll finally take things into your own hands and make your own destiny, possibly alone in the world.

Bottom line
A marriage is about two. There isn't room for the "me" mentality to show up on a daily basis. Every decision made has to factor in the impacts of this situation on each of you independently and as a couple. When you fail to do this, that's when problems emerge. When those problems go repeatedly unacknowledged this is when separation seems to be the only answer. So, listen, listen, listen! Talk about your dreams and strategize how you both can align things to support those needs. You'll be happier and more connected as a result, I promise! © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved