How I Define "Love" In My Marriage

Clint Black's song, "Something That We Do," has always captured what I wanted the role of "love" to be in my marriage (prior to meeting Adriano). And, consequently, what it has become. These few lyrics capture the sentiment for me perfectly.

Love isn't something that we have
It's something that we do
We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and where you start

How about you? What's the role of "love" in your marriage? © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

"Sacrifice" Has An Expiration Date

I watched "Revolutionary Road" last weekend. The movie hasn't left me since. It was such a powerful example of what happens when repeatedly your needs as a person aren't met. Initially you fight to be heard, and when you're still not listened to, you emotionally distance yourself and then eventually leave.

The themes of this story have been circling around in my head all week as I start to make connections to statements that I've heard from family and friends over the past few months. I thought I'd take a few moments to share these comments and my commentary on them because as "Revolutionary Road" so dramatically shares, "sacrifice" does in fact have an expiration date. And quite possibly the scariest part of that expiration date is that the actual date is unknown until it has arrived.

Comment #1: Both people in a marriage can't be "up" simultaneously
I think this statement is absolutely false. I definitely believe that both people within a marriage can be "up" at the same time. They can both feel as though they are doing everything that they are intended to do simultaneously. One does not always need to be sacrificing their ambitions and dreams to support that of the other.

That's not to say that at times in your marriage one of you may not make a sacrifice to support the other. Me moving to Brazil to support Adriano and his commitment to the Brazilian government is a perfect example of this. But, this support has an expiration date. I refuse to spend my life feeling as though I'm sacrificing my own ambitions and dreams to simply support his. He understands and respects this. We talk about this. And we're working together to find that time and place again where neither of us feels as though we are "sacrificing."

We had this time in Chicago, when I was starting Sylver Consulting and he was doing his PhD. I know we'll have this time again. But, in order to get there it takes some good, hard listening skills and the gumption to embrace change.

Comment #2: If I'm successful, then she/he will be happy.
News flash...it doesn't work that way. You can be super successful at your work, for instance, but that doesn't translate to happiness for your spouse in the same rewarding manner. They need something to hold onto, something to call their own. Without this personal excitement, any happiness that they feel for what you're doing and accomplishing will at best be kept an arm's length away from their heart and the sentiment that makes a person feel "settled" and "fulfilled."

Yet, ironically, an unhappy spouse can do a ton of damage to the happiness level of the other. So again, I think the moral here is that you need to listen to one another and then follow through on supporting each other in finding that "thing" in life that makes each other feel as though they have a purpose.

So, why does "sacrifice" has an expiration date?
The reality is, we can control no one but ourselves. We can control how we communicate and react to others. But we can't make other people do things that they don't want to do.

If you feel as though you're sacrificing parts of yourself repeatedly (and without proper acknowledgment of this by your spouse), then it's you that has the responsibility to speak up and say something. Your spouse then has the opportunity to listen and react positively to your needs. If they choose not to, then there is little that you can do. More than likely, you'll continue to state your needs. If your needs continue to fall on deaf ears, you'll distance yourself until one day, seemingly spontaneously, you'll say, "I love you, but I love me more." It's this day that you'll finally take things into your own hands and make your own destiny, possibly alone in the world.

Bottom line
A marriage is about two. There isn't room for the "me" mentality to show up on a daily basis. Every decision made has to factor in the impacts of this situation on each of you independently and as a couple. When you fail to do this, that's when problems emerge. When those problems go repeatedly unacknowledged this is when separation seems to be the only answer. So, listen, listen, listen! Talk about your dreams and strategize how you both can align things to support those needs. You'll be happier and more connected as a result, I promise! © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

A Couple Interesting Articles

I now have readers sending me articles that they feel are worthy of being shared via this blog. Sometimes I create posts around them and other times not. Here are a couple that are worth the read, but ones that I likely won't focus a whole post around. Enjoy!

Ten ways to be happy in marriage
I think the title alone gives a good indicator of what this post is all about.

How emotional distance ruins marriage
A shout out to the High Point/ Low Point game is given here, sighting it as an excellent way to reduce the emotional distance between you and your partner. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Federal Money Being Used To Promote Marriage

I learned this morning through the Detroit Free Press that federal money is being spent on a public service campaign touting the benefits of getting married, hoping to inspire younger people to take the leap sooner than current trends indicate. There are a few things that rub me the wrong way about this.

1. $5 million of federal money is being spent on this.
Come on...couldn't this money be better spent elsewhere? We're in the midst of a recession trying to keep our heads above water here.

2. Does it really make sense to "push" people into getting married?
I think marriage works best when people decide that they're ready to get married, even if it takes a longer time frame than "normal" to come to that decision.

I liken the decision of when to marry to the decision regarding when to have kids. When Adriano and I first got married, when asked if we wanted kids our response was, "We think so, but aren't sure when." Today our answer is different. "Yes. We plan to start trying next year." We're ready now, we weren't then. We weren't spending a lot of time thinking about it because we weren't ready. Everything comes in due time if it's right.

3. Do we really need to put more social pressure on people to act a certain way?
For every decision that we have in life, someone else has an opinion or judgment regarding whether we've made the right choice. This happens enough amongst our peers and family. Does the government really need to get involved as well? I don't think so.

I actually think young people need to be taught more independent thinking skills. They need to be able to distinguish between what social norms predict they should do next and what they feel the right next decision is for them. Had I gone by the social norm of my hometown, I would have been married at 21, with my first kid at 22. But that's not the path that I wanted for myself. Instead, I got married at 26 and still have no kids. And I have no regrets about the choices that I've made to date. I think by getting married at a slightly later age, I've been able to be a better wife. Likewise, I think I'll be able to be a better mom in my 30s than I probably would have been in my 20s.

4. If the government is going to start endorsing messages regarding marriage, then maybe they should embrace a consistent message.
I find it extremely ironic that the government is spending so much money to encourage marriage amongst heterosexual couples, while simultaneously spending great amounts of energy and money working to prohibit the unions of homosexuals. If the whole point of this public service campaign is to highlight the benefits of marriage (which are "better health, greater wealth and more happiness for the couple" according to research), then why is the message different dependent of whether you're gay or straight? It seems a little hypocritical to me.

Bottom line
I think the government is entering territory that it has no business being in. I think this is an irresponsible use of federal money and the messages that this campaign seeks to deliver are messages that are much more effective when delivered at a local level, like at your community center, church, etc.

Say What You Mean

It's sort of a no brainer to say that we're not all mind readers. On a theoretical level we all know this...we get it. Yet, in practice, way too often this concept gets lost. We only say or do half of what we mean and hope the other person will make the leap in connecting the dots to know what your true motives or intentions are. It's no wonder that we get lost in communication.

Throughout my years of consulting experience I've learned that vagueness gets you no where. You have to be direct and to the point. I find that this principle, when followed, fairs pretty well in your personal life as well.

Case in point, over the holidays Adriano and I were shopping. I had been given a gift that was a duplicate of something that I already owned, so I wanted to exchange the gift for something different, something I'd actually use. We went to the store, which turned out to be a place so out of line with my general style and personality and then super expensive on top of that. Adriano and I scoured the store trying to find something that I liked or wanted within the price range of the gift that I had to exchange. The best thing we found was a wine corker, which fell about $12 below the money we had to spend.

We couldn't find anything else in the store to purchase that was less than $12 or really anything else in the store that I wanted. So, in the end, I said, "It doesn't matter. I found something I'll use. We'll purchase the wine corker and then turn around to the next person in line. They'll get $12 toward their purchase. It'll make their day and the extra money won't go to waste." Never would I find myself driving specifically out to this store in the Chicago suburbs to shop again.

So, I'm up at the counter, purchasing the wine corker. At this moment, Adriano finds a box of mints that's going for about $3. He pushed three my way saying, "Here, these are $3." I'm thinking that he's just trying to find a way to spend the $12 that we have left on the exchange. And, by now, I'm really digging the idea of being able to make someone else's day. I totally missed the point that he actually wanted the mints and didn't get them.

Well, you can imagine what happened. Adriano was a bit upset with me. I didn't understand why. Finally it comes out that he really wanted the mints and why did I deny him that, etc.

Needless to say, this is a very minor example, but indicative all the same to the confusion that will prevail if you simply don't say what you mean. So the next time you don't "get your way," it might be good practice to reflect on whether you truly communicated what you needed or wanted. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

What To Do When You Have No Positive Role Models

In response to Friday's post, "Did You Marry Your Father (or Mother?)", my friend, Judy, so rightfully mentioned that in addition to gravitating towards mates that emulate behaviors similar to that of your parents, it's not uncommon, once in that relationship, to model your union after your parent's interactions in their marriage. Which got me thinking...what do you do when you don't have a good role model for what a marriage should be?

I think it starts by noting what you think a good marriage should be. And then looking around at friends, co-workers, relatives, celebrities, etc. to see who emulates those behaviors and whom you might be able to adopt as your "marriage guides", per se. It's probably better if you're involved with these people personally, as you'll get face time to ask questions. But, I don't think it's necessary. The point is simply to aspire to share certain qualities that your "marriage guides" demonstrate in interacting with their partner.

A good example of an outside the family-friend network "marriage guide" might be Michelle and Barack Obama. They seem to have a strong and egalitarian relationship, as Newsweek reported this weekend. This is a quality that Adriano and I aspire to and generally do pretty well at accomplishing I think.

Another outside the family-friend network "marriage guide" that Adriano and I reference frequently is Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. At least in their earlier years (before their kids were of school age), you rarely found these two separated. They toured together, recorded together, etc. When Adriano and I worked so intimately together at Sylver Consulting we used to joke that we were the Faith Hill and Tim McGraw couple of the design research and planning strategy world. Now that Sylver Consulting has grown, we don't get to travel together for work quite as frequently. I miss this about us, as does Adriano. I guess maybe this should be a renewed goal for us for 2009-10. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Did You Marry Your Father (or Mother)?

I did. Adriano has a number of characteristics that are similar to my father's. His mind is always working, looks at every barrier as a challenge, finds solutions in the craziest things (duct tape factors in heavily here!) and treats everyone with kindness and respect. I found a man who possesses all the wonderful qualities of my father and for this reason I "did good," in the words of my dad. : )

Likewise, I think Adriano married his mother. A funny story...at the end of 2007 I went to see a psychic in NYC with my girlfriend, Sandy. As soon as I sat down in front of the psychic he said very matter-a-factly, "You're mother-in-law must be a strong woman. Your husband wouldn't know how to handle you otherwise." At first I didn't know how to response. Honestly, this was the first thing the psychic said to me. I didn't know whether this was an insult or a compliment? I didn't quite know how to react. But the truth is, after reflection on his comment, and especially after spending more time with my mother-in-law, there's no getting around it, we are a lot alike. I'd hope that Adriano would say that I possess all the good qualities of his mom too, but I'll have to let him weigh in on that one.

So why do I bring up this question? CNN sort of instigated this post, as my friend, Andrea, sent me an article published Wednesday at their site called, "Why You're Likely to Marry Your Parent." But additionally this is a topic that I've talked about with friends over the years. Yet in most cases, the stories told haven't been quite as favorable as the one I just shared about Adriano. No, in most cases, friends have gravitated towards men (or women) who emulate all the negative behaviors of their parents. CNN's article gives a glimpse into why that might happen, from things such as trying to right old wrongs to gaining comfort in familiarity.

You can wallow in the "whys," but I choose to live life based on the perspective that we all have the opportunity to do right for ourselves on a daily basis. Sure some of us have had more messed up childhoods than others. And maybe some haven't had the best role models to know fully what a constructive relationship is, looks like or feels like. But, I think if you can identify what you don't want to be or do, then this is your starting point. And this can become your check list; your way of monitoring your own behavior within the relationship and qualifying the other people that you allow into your life. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

The Best Marriage Advice Ever Received

Ahhh...the power of analogies.

I came across this short article this morning in the The Christian Science Monitor. In it, the author, Mark Musolf, shares the best marriage advice he ever received, coincidentally from his father-in-law.

His father-in-law, Ray, likened marriage to owning your first home. You're initially enamored with the idea of having a new home that's all yours. And not knowing any better, you tend to underestimate the effort required to maintain the beauty and functionality of that home over time. He cautions his soon to be son-in-law that marriage operates in just the same way. And just as you need tools to repair your home from time to time, you need the tools of patience, consideration, kindness and love to ensure that your marriage doesn't loose its luster as time passes. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Fireproof: A review

A few weeks ago I wrote a post questioning whether a movie can save a marriage. The movie in question is "Fireproof." Adriano and I had a chance to finally watch it last night and so I thought I'd offer a bit of a review.

You have to get past the bad acting and out of sync audio initially, but once you do, you get immersed in the movie's beautiful story. It's about a struggling marriage. Both partners are on the verge of calling it quits. They don't feel love for one another any more, only resentment and irritation. On a dare from his father, Caleb (Kirk Cameron) gives himself 40 days of following the principles of the "The Love Dare" to see if he can turn his marriage around. The movie takes the viewer on the journey of what that experience was like for he and his wife, giving glimpses into how each of them needed to change the ways they viewed and thought of their marriage (and their behavior in it) in order to find common ground and love again.

So, do I think this movie could save a marriage? Adriano and I think "Fireproof" has a great message and offers hope to couples ready to give up. It offers a plan, a regimen, for finding common ground again; a prescription for how to renew your love. I think if people follow the plan, the chances for success are high.

I questioned in the original post on this topic if this movie would be a good one for any couple to watch, regardless of what state your marriage was in. I thought it might offer some tips and techniques on how to be a better spouse even if you weren't on the verge of walking out. There are a few things offered in the movie, although subtle. It's really about saving a marriage on the brink of divorce. Yet, despite this, there was one philosophy that resonated with Adriano and I.

One of the love dares was to "study" your partner. The principle behind this is that when you're dating someone you're constantly learning more about them. Yet, oftentimes, once you get married that constant learning stops. You assume that you know everything there is to know about that person when in reality, at best, you only have a high school diploma's worth of knowledge about that person. You need to keep studying to get your Masters and Ph.D.

Adriano and I have questioned what level of knowledge we have about each other since watching this movie yesterday. I think we've surmised that we have a bit more than a high school diploma, but don't quite yet have the Masters. We both agree that having a child, seeing how we interact with that child and each other once that child arrives, that this likely will be the learning curve required to give us the Master's degree on each other.

I'd love to hear the thoughts of anyone else that has watched the movie. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

To all those regular contestants of the nightly bed sheet competition...

...your sparring days could be over, making you a happier playmate during the day.

The Startup Nation Blog featured a new invention yesterday, DoubleUps for Beds. Taken from the post write up:

While they appear seamless when the bed is made, DoubleUps for Beds flat sheets are comprised of a right and a left sheet that is connected with a uniquely designed sew box. This box creates a slight overlap in the bottom center of the sheet, but enables both sides to move and stay covered independently of each other.

If interested, the blog post above shows images of what the product actually looks like. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Till Children Do Us Part

Stephanie Coontz, author of "Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage" wrote an interesting article for the NY Times today called "Till Children Do Us Part." Basically her research shows that today, both moms and dads are spending more contact hours with their children on a weekly basis than they ever have in the past, even when it wasn't so common for both mom and dad to have full-time, outside-of-the-home types of jobs. She theorizes that this might be why "more than 25 separate studies have established that marital quality drops, often quite steeply, after the transition to parenthood." Bottom line, mom and dad just aren't getting enough time alone, enough quality time, under the current arrangement.

Adriano and I don't have children yet. We hope to have one child some time in the not-so-distant future, but we're waiting until our life evens out a bit before making that giant step forward. But, with that said, we are of that age when many of our friends, cousins, and sisters are starting to have children. We're witnessing first-hand how the introduction of a little one taxes the new parents.

Growing up my parents always made it a priority for the two of them to go on vacation for one week a year sans children. My sister, Allison, and I were shipped around to different aunts and uncles for the week, while Mom and Dad enjoyed themselves and reconnected. I never found this odd or unfavorable as a kid. It was something that they just did. Now that I'm an adult, I think it's genius. And frankly, I don't think new parents do this often enough.

Now that the concept of parenthood is within the frame of mine and Adriano's reference, I'm starting to think of how do we do this without loosing the sense of "us" as well. Don't get me wrong...I'm super excited about being a mom, as is Adriano about being a dad. But, I don't want to become the couple where they end up living parallel lives in the same house, unconnected to one another, because they've given everything to their children and have left nothing for themselves.

So, I have an idea. It's sort of a Reverse Play Date kind of concept, but this time it's about mom and dad versus little Johnny. When we do have children, I'd like to find a couple that is in a similar position as we, meaning they've recently become new parents and have a child about the same age as ours. Every week (or every other week) we babysit for one another, while the childless couple gets to go out, enjoy themselves, and connect with one another on an adult level.

I think this arrangement would work and really can't understand why more couples don't do it. It seems current babysitter fees are a barrier to granting yourselves adult time. Under this arrangement, this barrier seizes to exist. And if you typically get free child care through parents or grandparents in the area, you don't have to worry about feeling as though you're taking advantage of them. Under this scenario, you and the other couple that you're in cahoots with get equal benefits for equal work.

Granted, this perspective is coming from a woman who does not yet have children of her own. So, if those parents out there think I'm way off base, please let me know. I'm also interested in knowing all the other ways couples have found to steal some time away for themselves once they've segwayed into parenthood. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

The Eight+ Stages of Relationships

My friend Judy sent me this interesting article, "The Eight+ Stages of Relationships" by Love Coach Rinatta. Love Coach Rinatta writes a blog related to love (hence the name) and offers a number of services related to marriage and relationship counseling. I have no idea if her classes are good or how successful people who have taken her classes have been in improving their relationships. I simply found this article to be interesting. It got me questioning where Adriano and I "are" (meaning what stage are we in) in our relationship. I think we're in "Stage #5: Growth" on track one.

To visualize the path of relationships that Love Coach Rinatta puts forth, I drew up a little diagram. You'll need to read her article to get the details about what each stage means. You'll see that "Stage #4: The Power Struggle" is highlighted in yellow. From what I understand, how a couple navigates through "The Power Struggle" stage of their relationship ultimately impacts whether they proceed down track one (a life full of intimacy and love) versus track two (a life saddened with distance between you and your partner). And how you navigate "The Power Struggle" stage ultimately comes down to how effectively you and your partner can communicate about what the issues of the "Power Struggle" are and personally reflect and take responsibility for your respective roles in initially creating, and subsequently sustaining, that "power struggle."

I think mine and Adriano's "power struggle" was the move to Brazil. I knew from almost the day that I met Adriano that if I were to marry him that I would need to live a chapter of my life in Brazil. I found the year leading up to "the move" extremely stressful, not knowing when it would happen exactly and feeling so uncertain about what a move like this would mean to me personally and long-term for my professional career. I was in denial that this event would happen in some respects and yet, there it was, always starring me in the face.

Once we actually moved to Brazil, my world was turned upside down. I lost all sense of who I was temporarily. I felt alienated, alone and completely disconnected to Adriano. Nothing felt familiar, from the obvious things like language and the things around me to the not so obvious things like how Adriano and I, on a very fundamental level, interacted with one another. Every aspect of my life that made me feel independent and "together" was simultaneously ripped away from me. And, yet, I still stood.

Today, I feel as though we have advanced from "The Power Struggle" phase onto "Stage #5: Growth." We've been in Brazil for 15 months now. In that time I think we've grown stronger as a couple, have certainly improved the way we communicate and listen to each other, and I've gotten to know him in a way that I never would have had the opportunity to without this experience. I've gotten to know Adriano's culture and family intimately, which has been wonderful and something that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I'm glad to know that Adriano and I are on Track One, meaning pursuing a life full of intimacy and love. But, there are two things that I've learned and know for sure after the last year:

1. You can never take your partner for granted. Every day that you fail to listen, fail to talk, fail to address each other's needs and wishes, is a day that brings distance between the two of you. Once that distance gets too great it's hard to come back together again. And so, every day I'm conscious to be vigilant about the needs of my marriage because I don't think "marriage just happens." No, marriage needs attention and love every day to grow and prosper.
   
   
2. A lot of strength can be gained by knowing that you're not the only one. One month into being in Brazil, I picked up the book "A Moveable Marriage: Relocate Your Relationship without Breaking It." This book was a godsend to me. I realized that what I was feeling (the loneliness, sadness, etc.) was normal for woman who were following their husbands to another part of the world. Reading Robin Pascoe's words gave me some confidence that maybe I wasn't so crazy after all, that maybe I had a reason to be pissed off and that I was validated in standing up to what I wasn't liking about my situation. Maybe this article by the Love Coach will be the same thing for other people? When you don't feel like you're the only one who has ever experienced something, for some reason it seems more manageable to overcome what's bothering you. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
   

What was the strangest part of your day?

Back in November 2008 I wrote about the communication game, High Point/ Low Point, that Adriano and I play generally Monday through Friday. Last week we added another dimension into that communication framework. In addition to asking what the high and low points of what each other's day were, we've started asking, "What was the strangest thing that happened to you today?" Again, it's opened up the gates of communication. By asking this simple question to each other we learn something else about each other's experiences for that day that we might not otherwise have known. Is this bit of knowledge often groundbreaking and terribly important? No. But it does make me (and he) feel more included in one another's lives when we're not together, which is awesome. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved