Someday is not a day of the week

I attended the World Eco 2008 conference in Brasilia, Brazil yesterday. An Australian presenter, Paul Downtown, showed an image of a bulletin board (much like one you'd see in the front yard of your local church or school) with the statement "Someday is not a day of the week" written on it. The significance of this statement for him, of course, is that we cannot further procrastinate on changing the way we live and exist in this world, as our current practices are unsustainable. His point here is that plans need to be made today regarding how to change the course of global warming and climate change, not simply pushed off to "someday" because it's something complicated and more than we want to deal with at the moment. Issues pushed to "someday" rarely get revisit, and if they do, often action taken to address them happens piecemeal in reaction mode versus strategically.

It's my belief that this statement, "Someday is not a day of the week," can and should apply to anything that is of priority to you in your life. And here's some food for thought...maybe everything of importance (big or small) should have a plan.

I know what you're probably thinking...why do we have to be so darn rigid? (Adriano dings me on this sometimes too.) Yet, I still persist because I think this is important. When something has a plan you (1) can stop agonizing over it because you now have a decision about when action will be taken. But, probably even more importantly, (2) you can really analyze what action needs to be taken to fully prepare for that new situation.

Case in point, Adriano and I have been thinking about having a baby. We both feel mentally ready to take on the challenge of parenthood, but situationally it's not the right time. I live in two countries...the US and Brazil. I can hardly leave my niece, Analise, after spending a week with her. There is no way someone could pry me away from own child for weeks at a time. Not to mention, imagine the social stigma that would be attached with that one!

Regardless of all the reasons not to have a baby now, Adriano and I really considered sending all caution to the wind and "taking the plunge." That is, before I said, "let's just do a pros and cons list on this before we make the final decision." Five minutes into the exercise it was clear that we were not having a baby right now. It was a bad decision from every angle of our lives (financially, professionally, and personally). It would have been bad news.

Yet, by doing this exercise, now the conversation was seriously started. If we were making the decision not to have a baby now, then when would we have a baby? What did we need to prepare for to make the process the smoothest as possible for us? What were our goals for this event? © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

For both of us, this is a priority that we've not tabled to "someday," but rather August 2009. That's when I'll stop taking birth control and we'll let God take over from there. Will we revise this date as August nears? Maybe. Life is ever-evolving, right? The important thing is that we've made the commitment to revisit this issue in August of next year and by doing so have inadvertently communicated to one another how important each other's priorities are to us individually.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Developing a business plan for your relationship

In searching for something else today, I came across this post at the Faded Youth blog about Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s marriage. She was quoted as saying, "I’m doing what you might call a business plan in my marriage right now," in the November issue of Cookie.

What struck me as sad in reading the post, were its comments. A few implied that Jada's statement only further solidified in their minds how much her and Will's marriage is a "facade" or a "shame." I found myself shaking my head and thinking to myself, "So, tell me again, why is "working" on your marriage perceived as failure?"

In the business world the greatest leaders are those who are always aware, in touch with the needs of their employees and customers, looking for new directions for their company, and being ready to respond to threats impacting their organization or industry. These people are active leaders and we love them for their pro-activeness. So, why do we not applaud pro-activeness is the same manner in a relationship?

It's unrealistic to think that we'll always be in sync with our partner, that we'll never need to sit down to realign priorities and expectations. Life is ever-evolving and therefore your relationship needs to be as well. Complacency, in my opinion, is a breeding ground for many mis-understandings and, likely, a lot of hurt feelings. A relationship needs a strategy just as much as $1B company.

I applaud Jada and Will for being pro-active in their marriage and taking to heart the phrase, "If it's broke, fix it." Adriano and I have had to do a lot of realigning of expectations in our marriage over the last year and had we shunned the idea of being actively engaged in figuring out strategies to get around our differences in opinion, I'm not sure where we would be today. Thankfully, we've been enough on the same page where right now we're quite fulfilled and happy. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Use your "Connection Points" sparingly

Since sending out the “Designing Marriage” blog to friends and family yesterday, I’ve gotten a lot of great feedback and a number of people that have said they’ve already had a conversation with their spouse about what connects them, as a result of the “Connection Points” post from yesterday. Congratulations to you all! You’re attaching action to the phrase, “Don’t take your partner for granted.” Give yourselves a pat on the back!

Words of caution though…use your connection points sparingly. You shouldn’t award them for just anything. They are precious things that need to be protected, otherwise they’ll loose meaning and be worthless. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

So when do you know when to dole out the connection point? I’m sharing with you a diagram that I once drew for Adriano to explain what I meant when I said that I needed more “quality time” with him. Again, this was a situation where words weren’t working for us. Conversation alone wasn’t resulting in the actions that I needed him to take to make me feel more secure, loved and appreciated in our relationship. At my wits end and knowing that my sweetie is a visual thinker, out came my design skills. This was the result…more or less.

So, before this diagram, when I talked about “quality time,” Adriano thought things like going grocery shopping together, going to the gym, reading a book at home, having a great night out with friends, etc. qualified as “quality time.” That these were sufficient experiences for us to "connect" with one another. Not in my book!

Grocery shopping and going to the gym would fall into Connection Level 1 for me, as these two actions are more transactional in orientation for me. I don’t hate doing these chores, but that’s generally what they are for me…chores. Reading books at home might fall into Level 2, where we might just enjoy being in one another’s company, yet we’re not really connecting to one another either. Having a great night out with friends might hit Level 3 if we're having some good laughs and great conversation. Levels 4 and 5 are harder to get to and where the “Connection Points” come into play.

You only award “Connection Points” for Level 4 and 5 moments of “quality time.” Now everyone’s definition of this will be different of course. For me, Level 4 moments are just really nice moments when I feel especially connected to Adriano. It might be when we decide to make dinner together, open a bottle of wine and just spend the evening talking about our day, what we want to do in life, etc. It’s at these moments in time that you remember why you love this person so much. Yet the moment itself might not be engrained in your mind forever. It is these super duper special moments, the moments in your life that you’ll never forget, that are reserved for Connection Level 5. For Adriano and I, we often times can’t achieve Connection Level 5 moments unless we are on vacation, away from all the other pressures of our lives.

It’s not important what activities help you and your spouse achieve Connection Level 4 and 5 moments. What is important is that they happen with frequency. I’ve told Adriano that I need to have a Level 4 or 5 connection at least once every two weeks, otherwise I start to get more than a little cranky in our relationship. I can’t say that we don’t fall off the bandwagon every now and then, but it’s a lot easier trying to realign expectations with the help of this diagram than if we didn’t have it as reference.

And just as a side note…I got a Connection Point from Adriano last night : ) We went to a Japanese drumming show in Brasilia. He loves Japan and Japanese culture and used to be a drummer...I couldn't loose there : )

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Connection Points

I introduced “Connection Points” to Adriano on a CTA platform at about midnight after having gone to a ballet with our good friends, James and Melissa. We had had a great time and I was feeling “love.” Going to the ballet together, experiencing that event together, helped me to remember why it was that I loved him and why it was that I was planning to marry him in a few months time.

We didn’t have to have a big conversation about it. I simply put my fingers to my mouth, kissed them, and then put them on his chest…almost like I was half blowing him a kiss and half giving him a sticker. Well, as you can imagine he had questions, the first one being, “What was that for?” I then proceeded to share with him the rules of the game.

CONNECTION POINT INSTRUCTIONS ------------------------

What is a “Connection Point”?
Simply put, a Connection Point is an imaginary sticker that you slap on the lapel of your partner when he/she acts or behaves in a manner that makes you feel connected to him or her.

Connection Points aren’t redeemable for anything. You can’t save them up for a grand prize or cash them in. The Connection Point is only a way to tell your partner that he or she has touched you. It’s simply positive reinforcement and encourages your partner to repeat whatever the behavior is that has caused for you to feel connected to him or her.

This is silly…what’s the value of giving and receiving “Connection Points”?
Yes, it seems silly to be slapping imaginary stickers on the lapel of your partner, but think about the communication vehicle that you are establishing. You are sharing with your partner what activities/behaviors make you feel truly connected to him or her. What you’ll likely find is that you “connect” to one another differently. Without communicating with one another about your different connection needs, the relationship often times becomes skewed. You end up doing more things that fulfill the connection needs of one partner more so than the other…depending on whom in the relationship is more accommodating. It doesn’t happen on purpose in most cases…it just happens. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Connection Points are a vehicle for openly discussing your needs in a non-threatening and playful way. They’re a way to learn about each other and bring your differences to the forefront, so that as an individual you can become more sensitive and proactive in meeting your partner’s connection needs.

An example…
Before Connection Points my husband, Adriano, and I thought we connected with one another the same way. For him, watching movies snuggled up together on the couch and touching one another is what makes him feel connected to me. For me, exploring the world with him…experiencing new things is how I feel connected to him.

We went through a period of time where we just couldn’t find common ground. I felt like if I had to watch one more movie at home I was going to scream. He was cool…there were no problems. I simply felt pent up at home and really unhappy.

Through Connection Points we’ve been able to understand how to structure experiences for another that result in touching the inner core of one another. It’s also given us the opportunity to light-heartedly remind each of when we haven’t received Connection Points. That’s been useful for guiding discussions on what we need to do for each other to fulfill each other’s connection needs.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

When talking just isn't enough

Back when I lived in Brooklyn, way before I even thought about getting married and a year before I met my husband, I got some advice that has stuck with me. My landlord (a guy who defined the category of “wacko”) said, “Communication, Brianna, communication…this is the key to keeping a successful marriage. Remember this.” (I can hear the Brooklyn accent now.)

He may have been a strange guy and not a person that I’d attempt to model much of my life after, but he did get the communication message right. For those of us who are in healthy, loving and respectful marriages, I truly believe that communication is the key to continually finding the “love” in your relationship and evolving together as a couple.

So, what does communication mean? I think many times we hear the word “communication” and immediately think about talking with our spouse, sharing our emotions, etc. Yet, I’ve found over the years, that sometimes talking just really isn’t enough. For example, the year that my husband and I got married was a pretty stressful one, as it is for many. Simply put we were trying to do too many things at one time, from planning a wedding to buying a house to him finishing a Ph.D. to me growing business at Sylver Consulting. Most things were positively oriented, but still the stress levels were high. And in the stress we lost each other. At one point we felt so unconnected with one another that I really questioned if getting married was the right thing for us to do. I had a few sleepless nights over that decision.

Yet, instead of jumping ship, I took a step back and asked myself “Why is this happening to us?” We don’t generally fight, but we couldn’t seem to have a conversation where it didn’t end this way. That’s when a spontaneous conversation with a friend, Bill Hill, changed the course of how my husband and I have communicated with one another ever since.

Unfortunately, at the time, Bill and his wife were going through a divorce. In just trying to sort out his feelings about what went wrong he mentioned a personality-type test that he and his wife had done years ago. I can’t remember what the test was called. It doesn’t really matter at this point. What was intriguing to me was that the test essentially helped couples to understand how they connected to people, breaking things down into three categories of mind, body and spirit. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

It was a few days after this conversation that I created the game “Connection Points.”

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Reinvigorating relationships with the spirit of innovation: My intent for this blog

First things first, let me just mention that I’m not a marriage therapist. Nor am I a psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, life coach, or belong to any other profession where I might regularly engage in activity where I advise people on how to operate in their daily lives. What I am, however, is an innovator, a designer, an ethnographer, a problem solver and a facilitator. The content of this blog will be rooted in the spirit of innovation, invention, iteration, and prototyping and how these principles apply to marriage and your most intimate relationships. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

What I plan to offer is a fresh perspective on how to think about marriage. Over the years, I’ve found the same methods and frameworks that I use in my consulting work at Sylver Consulting to be quite helpful in opening the lines of communication with my husband of two years, Adriano Galvão. Just like any couple, we have our days and moments when we don’t see eye-to-eye about something or where one of us doesn’t feel sufficiently appreciated. I’ve learned that you can dwell on the problem in a “whoa is me” sort of fashion or you can treat it as a business issue that’s threatening to erode your profits and stagnate your company’s growth in a way that demands a response ASAP. (OK, I know I'm being a bit dramatic here, but I beg you...go with it for a minute).

My role in my professional life is to bring “design thinking” into organizations, teaching my clients how think through their problems and address them in unique and different ways that often times challenge the status quo. I think a lot of good can be gained by applying those same principles of thought and senses of urgency that are fostered in business to our most intimate relationships. I hope that this blog will become a forum for discussion, really tying actions to the advice that's handed out like candy when you get married–Don't take your partner for granted!

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved