Use your "Connection Points" sparingly

Since sending out the “Designing Marriage” blog to friends and family yesterday, I’ve gotten a lot of great feedback and a number of people that have said they’ve already had a conversation with their spouse about what connects them, as a result of the “Connection Points” post from yesterday. Congratulations to you all! You’re attaching action to the phrase, “Don’t take your partner for granted.” Give yourselves a pat on the back!

Words of caution though…use your connection points sparingly. You shouldn’t award them for just anything. They are precious things that need to be protected, otherwise they’ll loose meaning and be worthless. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

So when do you know when to dole out the connection point? I’m sharing with you a diagram that I once drew for Adriano to explain what I meant when I said that I needed more “quality time” with him. Again, this was a situation where words weren’t working for us. Conversation alone wasn’t resulting in the actions that I needed him to take to make me feel more secure, loved and appreciated in our relationship. At my wits end and knowing that my sweetie is a visual thinker, out came my design skills. This was the result…more or less.

So, before this diagram, when I talked about “quality time,” Adriano thought things like going grocery shopping together, going to the gym, reading a book at home, having a great night out with friends, etc. qualified as “quality time.” That these were sufficient experiences for us to "connect" with one another. Not in my book!

Grocery shopping and going to the gym would fall into Connection Level 1 for me, as these two actions are more transactional in orientation for me. I don’t hate doing these chores, but that’s generally what they are for me…chores. Reading books at home might fall into Level 2, where we might just enjoy being in one another’s company, yet we’re not really connecting to one another either. Having a great night out with friends might hit Level 3 if we're having some good laughs and great conversation. Levels 4 and 5 are harder to get to and where the “Connection Points” come into play.

You only award “Connection Points” for Level 4 and 5 moments of “quality time.” Now everyone’s definition of this will be different of course. For me, Level 4 moments are just really nice moments when I feel especially connected to Adriano. It might be when we decide to make dinner together, open a bottle of wine and just spend the evening talking about our day, what we want to do in life, etc. It’s at these moments in time that you remember why you love this person so much. Yet the moment itself might not be engrained in your mind forever. It is these super duper special moments, the moments in your life that you’ll never forget, that are reserved for Connection Level 5. For Adriano and I, we often times can’t achieve Connection Level 5 moments unless we are on vacation, away from all the other pressures of our lives.

It’s not important what activities help you and your spouse achieve Connection Level 4 and 5 moments. What is important is that they happen with frequency. I’ve told Adriano that I need to have a Level 4 or 5 connection at least once every two weeks, otherwise I start to get more than a little cranky in our relationship. I can’t say that we don’t fall off the bandwagon every now and then, but it’s a lot easier trying to realign expectations with the help of this diagram than if we didn’t have it as reference.

And just as a side note…I got a Connection Point from Adriano last night : ) We went to a Japanese drumming show in Brasilia. He loves Japan and Japanese culture and used to be a drummer...I couldn't loose there : )

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved