Wisdom from the pages of "Oprah"

I was catching up on my magazine reading last night, reading the March 2009 issue of "Oprah," and came across a phrase that I thought to be of "Aha" quality.

"Will my response help create the relationship I want or damage it?" - Peter Walsh

This question relates a lot to a post I wrote a few weeks ago called, "Do you react or respond?" Asking yourself this question above, before reacting to the situation, gives you the permission to pause. Answering this question ensures that you've accounted for the consequence of your reaction. And if inserted into the "heat of the moment," you might find that the dynamics of the interaction, whether it be with your spouse, friend or colleague, will change dramatically, as it forces you to view the relationship as a whole, instead of wading around in the details as any argument promotes.

Hard questions: If answer "yes," need to talk ASAP

An interesting thing has happened since I started writing this blog. The conversations I'm having with my girlfriends about their relationships have been more open. We're discussing what we feel each of us is good at in our relationships and what we feel we could improve on. We're learning from each other about what to do, what to try and what not to do and bonding in the process. I love it!

I've had a number of these relationship-based conversations in the last week (now that I'm Stateside again) and a common theme is emerging...talking about the big issues is hard. Many of my girlfriends are in extremely healthy relationships with wonderful men. And for most of the time, they're on the same page, seeing eye to eye with their mate on most of the major issues or decisions regarding how they'll lead their life, raise their children, etc. So, when an issue arises where it's pretty clear that their viewpoints are differing, both they and their husband's are thrown for a loop. They realize that, as a couple, they've not sufficiently developed their communication skills to know how best to handle this sticky and potentially confrontational issue. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
This is not going to become a post regarding how to handle these issues, but rather a post regarding three issues that most certainly cannot be ignored, swept under the rug for another day. A post from the Online Divorce Blog caught my eye today as these issues have been mentioned in some form or manner in the conversations that I've had with girlfriends in the last week. The author, Gary Kelly, asks three questions:

• Do you both agree on the amount of sexual activity in your relationship?
• Do you both argue and not talk to one another for a couple of days?
• Do you take separate vacations?

If you've answered "yes" to any of the questions above, you need to sit down with your partner to have a heart to heart ASAP. What are the underlying issues causing you two to hold grudges for days or to take separate vacations? And if you don't share the same sexual desires, what compromises can you both make to be certain that each of you feels as though you're being heard, respected and fulfilled?

Ignoring these issues, if you've answered "yes" to any of the questions above, is not wise. Today you have the power to "right" a wrong. Once you've progressed from somewhat discontent to full out unhappy you've crossed into territory that's hard to return from. It's certainly not impossible, but the amount of effort is ten-fold.

So, bottom line, communicate, communicate, communicate. I don't feel that this mantra can ever fail you.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Less is more: Focus on what's bothering you most

I started reading a new book yesterday called Perfect Pitch: The Art of Selling Ideas and Winning New Business (Adweek Books). So far I'm really enjoying it. It's all about the art of selling ideas and winning new business. Most of the examples referred to in the text relate to Jon's work experiences at various advertising agencies.

In reading the following passage, it occurred to me that these same principles of good communication for business are also quite relevant for people who are in committed relationships.

To people who work in the advertising business, the theory that single-minded communication works better than that which attempts to communicate a number of ideas simultaneously is far from revolutionary. For decades, Volkswagen's advertising has consistently communicated reliability. Whatever its specific message, whether it be about a desktop computer, a laptop or an iPod, Apple's advertising has always championed creativity. Avis built its reputation–and continues to refocus its communication today–on the line, "We try harder." More recently, a strategy for building milk sales in California based on the idea that you should buy more because it's a real pain in the ass to run out of it, is articulated simply (with no need for further explanation) with the words, got milk?

These are simple ideas, simply stated. But...many clients feel that one idea alone may not be enough to persuade everyone. ...Communicating one idea isn't such a great return on investment–why can't they communicate two? Three? Four? ...After all, there's just so much to say about their product.

...It's an irrefutable truth of communication, whether you are talking to an audience of a million on network television, or an audience of one at your own kitchen table, that the more points you attempt to make, the less your audience will take in. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

So, in short, when you're trying to make a business pitch less is more. And the same holds true for communicating with your partner, especially when you're trying to communicate your position on an issue that causes a sense of conflict in your relationship.

Case in point, back in May I wasn't feeling all that lovey dovey towards Adriano. There were a lot of things that were bothering me...some stuff was factual, other things were made up in my head. It would have been easy to download absolutely everything on him (plus the kitchen sink) and likely I would have received no action had I done that. Instead I took the time to figure out what was the core thing that was bothering me; the thing that if righted might fix how I was feeling about the other things.

When my feelings all got boiled down, the thing that bothered me most was the lack of "quality time" that we had together in Brazil. We don't get enough of it in Brazil by default. Culture and how people live here compete for that time on a daily basis.

Instead of talking to Adriano about all the things that were bothering me at the moment, I started the conversation by saying that I needed more "quality" and alone time with him; that we needed to make this a priority for the health of our relationship. I'm not sure he understood my need at that time, but respected my wishes all the same. Together, we made a strategy for how to carve out "quality time" for one another on a weekly basis, often times defying cultural expectations to do so. Needless to say, we both have greatly enjoyed the more focused time that we've given to one another. And once we got "quality time" back on track, the other issues that were bothering me magically disappeared.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved