Remember this scene from the movie "The Break Up" (2006) where Jennifer Aniston screams at Vince Vaughn, "I want you to want to do the dishes!"? Let's face it, nobody wants to do the dishes, cook dinner, make the bed, etc...at least not on a daily basis. But you do it because these chores need to be done and somebody has to do it. If that work is equally shared between the couple, then everyone is happy. If not...well, that's when arguments ensue. Someone ends up feeling unappreciated and taken advantage of. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reservedGenerally, Adriano NEVER does the dishes in Brazil. It doesn't bother me incredibly because, frankly, I don't do a ton of housework in Brazil either. (Rafaela, our maid, is a Godsend to me in that department.) Yet, one morning last week he did the dishes, without me having to ask him to do the dishes. It was great! And then I figured out the motive. He was seeking "Connection Points," which, of course, I could not give him. Doing the dishes, while it makes me happy (as it's one less thing that I have to do) is hardly a moment of feeling deeply connected with Adriano. It's not "Connection Points" worthy.
So, it got me thinking...how could I reward Adriano for doing the dishes (or picking up his dirty socks or closing the armor doors after he gets dressed in the morning)? A new game was created..."Appreciation Kisses." The rules are simple. When your spouse does something that makes you happy logistics-wise in your life, you make it a point to give him/her kisses to let them know how happy that action made you. Yes, it's silly, but positive reinforcement goes along way. And nagging doesn't.
I'm not saying that this one works. That's why the post is titled, "A Prototype..." It means it's a work in progress. I encourage you to try it. We're trying it. After a while, let's swap notes. Sound good?
© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
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My boyfriend does the dishes sometimes and it makes me sooooo happy because it is one of the things I really don't like doing especially since I cook so much. He does them for me and even the hard to scrub pots. He says it makes him feel good to be able to serve me that way and relieve some burden. I appreciate it so much and am truly grateful---saying thank you and giving an appreciation kiss or two. We do a lot of thanking in this relationship and it is different than others I have been in. This active appreciation makes a big difference and makes me realize that being together is still a choice and we are thankful that each of us making that choice.
ReplyDeleteI love the last sentence of Rita's comment. It's an excellent summary of what it means to not take your partner for granted. Every day requires "active appreciation" and the awareness "that being together is still a choice." Thanks Rita!
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