Marriage = Work

Like others, I've been impressed with the Obama marriage. You can tell that they deeply respect and love one another by the way they interact with each other. Reading recent reports in "Oprah" and "People," where Michelle Obama has publicly debunked the theory that they have a "perfect" marriage makes me like them even more as a couple. She acknowledges that her and Barack have a strong marriage, but that they have to work at it.

It's that word "work" that seems to make many people's back go up when associated with marriage. Why, I can't really understand. After all, doesn't nearly everything else in life worth having require work? For instance, if you want a strong career, you need to put the time into paying your dues, creating connections and demonstrating your value. If you want strong friendships, you need to invest time in people, connecting with one another and sharing the joys and frustrations that you have in life. The list of all that we must "work at" to achieve success can go on and on and on. Yet, somehow, the fact that "marriage" requires "work" is something that many people seem to want to turn a blind eye to. They're hesitant to have their romanticized version of marriage (as taught in US culture at least) fall away.

Yet, the reality is that in order to have a strong marriage you have to "work at" it. "Work" in this case shouldn't be considered a negative thing or a particularly frustrating or daunting proposition. For instance, if you feel like you need/ want to pound your head against the wall daily because of your spouse, you have big problems brewing. This is not the definition of "work" that I hope to convey when stating that marriage requires "work."

"Work" in the context of marriage, at least for me, could be described more concretely with words like "focus," "connection," "communication," "support," and "intention." When I keep these "vectors of work" top of mind, I'd say that mine and Adriano's marriage gets as near "perfect" as I could expect. When everything else in life demands our time and these "vectors of work" start to fall by the wayside, distance seeps into our relationship.

To be honest, we're in need of a spruce up. We've both been putting so much time into our "work, work" (i.e. jobs) lately that we've been neglecting a bit the needs of our relationship. I'd say we're still practicing the vectors of "support" and "intention," but "focus," "connection", and "communication" are in desperate need of realignment. I think we've got some homework to do.

How about you? What terms would you use to define "work" as it relates to your marriage?