Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day

"A good marriage is a bit like a pet boa constrictor: either you feed it every day or bad things happen."- Ty Wenger

I found this analogy intriguing and humorous. I hope you do too.

I also found Ty's article in Redbook chock full of good ideas on how to be a happy couple. Basically he shares strategies that he and his wife and others practice to stay involved in one another's lives and connected as individuals. Enjoy!

Till Children Do Us Part

Stephanie Coontz, author of "Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage" wrote an interesting article for the NY Times today called "Till Children Do Us Part." Basically her research shows that today, both moms and dads are spending more contact hours with their children on a weekly basis than they ever have in the past, even when it wasn't so common for both mom and dad to have full-time, outside-of-the-home types of jobs. She theorizes that this might be why "more than 25 separate studies have established that marital quality drops, often quite steeply, after the transition to parenthood." Bottom line, mom and dad just aren't getting enough time alone, enough quality time, under the current arrangement.

Adriano and I don't have children yet. We hope to have one child some time in the not-so-distant future, but we're waiting until our life evens out a bit before making that giant step forward. But, with that said, we are of that age when many of our friends, cousins, and sisters are starting to have children. We're witnessing first-hand how the introduction of a little one taxes the new parents.

Growing up my parents always made it a priority for the two of them to go on vacation for one week a year sans children. My sister, Allison, and I were shipped around to different aunts and uncles for the week, while Mom and Dad enjoyed themselves and reconnected. I never found this odd or unfavorable as a kid. It was something that they just did. Now that I'm an adult, I think it's genius. And frankly, I don't think new parents do this often enough.

Now that the concept of parenthood is within the frame of mine and Adriano's reference, I'm starting to think of how do we do this without loosing the sense of "us" as well. Don't get me wrong...I'm super excited about being a mom, as is Adriano about being a dad. But, I don't want to become the couple where they end up living parallel lives in the same house, unconnected to one another, because they've given everything to their children and have left nothing for themselves.

So, I have an idea. It's sort of a Reverse Play Date kind of concept, but this time it's about mom and dad versus little Johnny. When we do have children, I'd like to find a couple that is in a similar position as we, meaning they've recently become new parents and have a child about the same age as ours. Every week (or every other week) we babysit for one another, while the childless couple gets to go out, enjoy themselves, and connect with one another on an adult level.

I think this arrangement would work and really can't understand why more couples don't do it. It seems current babysitter fees are a barrier to granting yourselves adult time. Under this arrangement, this barrier seizes to exist. And if you typically get free child care through parents or grandparents in the area, you don't have to worry about feeling as though you're taking advantage of them. Under this scenario, you and the other couple that you're in cahoots with get equal benefits for equal work.

Granted, this perspective is coming from a woman who does not yet have children of her own. So, if those parents out there think I'm way off base, please let me know. I'm also interested in knowing all the other ways couples have found to steal some time away for themselves once they've segwayed into parenthood. © 2009 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Connection Points: No official scorecard

Wow! The Connection Points concept has really caught the interest of many of the readers of this blog. This post and the "The Texas Sexperiment" one seem to be the posts most consistently referenced by friends and family that I've been connecting with in the last few weeks.

Through conversation, I've come to realize that there is a critical aspect of the Connection Points game that needs to be further clarified. So, here it goes...

There is no scorecard © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved
The act of giving and receiving Connection Points is symbolic. By giving a Connection Point to your partner you're simply saying, "this behavior or action that we are doing together makes me feel connected to you. I think it might be nice to do more things like this in the future." You don't keep score. The points aren't redeemable for something down the road.

Of course, you can tweak the game however you wish. An official scorecard could be an element that you and your partner integrate into your relationship. In my opinion, however, adding this element into the mix adds levels of complexity and competition into the "game" that have the potential of stripping the fun and lightheartedness of it all away. But, to each his own...if this works for you, run with it.

To that end, I'm running out to have some connection time with my sweetie. We are finally back in the same city and I just finished up my last project for the year yesterday. Vacation has begun and I'm looking forward to making the most of it.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

The Texas Sexperiment

Last Sunday, a Texas preacher sat on a bed near his pulpit and gave his fellowship a challenge for the week. Those married parishioners were to have sex at least once a day for the next seven days. ABC's Good Morning America checked in today with some of the parishioners of the church to know how the challenge has affected their connectivity and intimacy with one another over the last week. Interesting stuff...

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Use your "Connection Points" sparingly

Since sending out the “Designing Marriage” blog to friends and family yesterday, I’ve gotten a lot of great feedback and a number of people that have said they’ve already had a conversation with their spouse about what connects them, as a result of the “Connection Points” post from yesterday. Congratulations to you all! You’re attaching action to the phrase, “Don’t take your partner for granted.” Give yourselves a pat on the back!

Words of caution though…use your connection points sparingly. You shouldn’t award them for just anything. They are precious things that need to be protected, otherwise they’ll loose meaning and be worthless. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

So when do you know when to dole out the connection point? I’m sharing with you a diagram that I once drew for Adriano to explain what I meant when I said that I needed more “quality time” with him. Again, this was a situation where words weren’t working for us. Conversation alone wasn’t resulting in the actions that I needed him to take to make me feel more secure, loved and appreciated in our relationship. At my wits end and knowing that my sweetie is a visual thinker, out came my design skills. This was the result…more or less.

So, before this diagram, when I talked about “quality time,” Adriano thought things like going grocery shopping together, going to the gym, reading a book at home, having a great night out with friends, etc. qualified as “quality time.” That these were sufficient experiences for us to "connect" with one another. Not in my book!

Grocery shopping and going to the gym would fall into Connection Level 1 for me, as these two actions are more transactional in orientation for me. I don’t hate doing these chores, but that’s generally what they are for me…chores. Reading books at home might fall into Level 2, where we might just enjoy being in one another’s company, yet we’re not really connecting to one another either. Having a great night out with friends might hit Level 3 if we're having some good laughs and great conversation. Levels 4 and 5 are harder to get to and where the “Connection Points” come into play.

You only award “Connection Points” for Level 4 and 5 moments of “quality time.” Now everyone’s definition of this will be different of course. For me, Level 4 moments are just really nice moments when I feel especially connected to Adriano. It might be when we decide to make dinner together, open a bottle of wine and just spend the evening talking about our day, what we want to do in life, etc. It’s at these moments in time that you remember why you love this person so much. Yet the moment itself might not be engrained in your mind forever. It is these super duper special moments, the moments in your life that you’ll never forget, that are reserved for Connection Level 5. For Adriano and I, we often times can’t achieve Connection Level 5 moments unless we are on vacation, away from all the other pressures of our lives.

It’s not important what activities help you and your spouse achieve Connection Level 4 and 5 moments. What is important is that they happen with frequency. I’ve told Adriano that I need to have a Level 4 or 5 connection at least once every two weeks, otherwise I start to get more than a little cranky in our relationship. I can’t say that we don’t fall off the bandwagon every now and then, but it’s a lot easier trying to realign expectations with the help of this diagram than if we didn’t have it as reference.

And just as a side note…I got a Connection Point from Adriano last night : ) We went to a Japanese drumming show in Brasilia. He loves Japan and Japanese culture and used to be a drummer...I couldn't loose there : )

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Connection Points

I introduced “Connection Points” to Adriano on a CTA platform at about midnight after having gone to a ballet with our good friends, James and Melissa. We had had a great time and I was feeling “love.” Going to the ballet together, experiencing that event together, helped me to remember why it was that I loved him and why it was that I was planning to marry him in a few months time.

We didn’t have to have a big conversation about it. I simply put my fingers to my mouth, kissed them, and then put them on his chest…almost like I was half blowing him a kiss and half giving him a sticker. Well, as you can imagine he had questions, the first one being, “What was that for?” I then proceeded to share with him the rules of the game.

CONNECTION POINT INSTRUCTIONS ------------------------

What is a “Connection Point”?
Simply put, a Connection Point is an imaginary sticker that you slap on the lapel of your partner when he/she acts or behaves in a manner that makes you feel connected to him or her.

Connection Points aren’t redeemable for anything. You can’t save them up for a grand prize or cash them in. The Connection Point is only a way to tell your partner that he or she has touched you. It’s simply positive reinforcement and encourages your partner to repeat whatever the behavior is that has caused for you to feel connected to him or her.

This is silly…what’s the value of giving and receiving “Connection Points”?
Yes, it seems silly to be slapping imaginary stickers on the lapel of your partner, but think about the communication vehicle that you are establishing. You are sharing with your partner what activities/behaviors make you feel truly connected to him or her. What you’ll likely find is that you “connect” to one another differently. Without communicating with one another about your different connection needs, the relationship often times becomes skewed. You end up doing more things that fulfill the connection needs of one partner more so than the other…depending on whom in the relationship is more accommodating. It doesn’t happen on purpose in most cases…it just happens. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

Connection Points are a vehicle for openly discussing your needs in a non-threatening and playful way. They’re a way to learn about each other and bring your differences to the forefront, so that as an individual you can become more sensitive and proactive in meeting your partner’s connection needs.

An example…
Before Connection Points my husband, Adriano, and I thought we connected with one another the same way. For him, watching movies snuggled up together on the couch and touching one another is what makes him feel connected to me. For me, exploring the world with him…experiencing new things is how I feel connected to him.

We went through a period of time where we just couldn’t find common ground. I felt like if I had to watch one more movie at home I was going to scream. He was cool…there were no problems. I simply felt pent up at home and really unhappy.

Through Connection Points we’ve been able to understand how to structure experiences for another that result in touching the inner core of one another. It’s also given us the opportunity to light-heartedly remind each of when we haven’t received Connection Points. That’s been useful for guiding discussions on what we need to do for each other to fulfill each other’s connection needs.

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

When talking just isn't enough

Back when I lived in Brooklyn, way before I even thought about getting married and a year before I met my husband, I got some advice that has stuck with me. My landlord (a guy who defined the category of “wacko”) said, “Communication, Brianna, communication…this is the key to keeping a successful marriage. Remember this.” (I can hear the Brooklyn accent now.)

He may have been a strange guy and not a person that I’d attempt to model much of my life after, but he did get the communication message right. For those of us who are in healthy, loving and respectful marriages, I truly believe that communication is the key to continually finding the “love” in your relationship and evolving together as a couple.

So, what does communication mean? I think many times we hear the word “communication” and immediately think about talking with our spouse, sharing our emotions, etc. Yet, I’ve found over the years, that sometimes talking just really isn’t enough. For example, the year that my husband and I got married was a pretty stressful one, as it is for many. Simply put we were trying to do too many things at one time, from planning a wedding to buying a house to him finishing a Ph.D. to me growing business at Sylver Consulting. Most things were positively oriented, but still the stress levels were high. And in the stress we lost each other. At one point we felt so unconnected with one another that I really questioned if getting married was the right thing for us to do. I had a few sleepless nights over that decision.

Yet, instead of jumping ship, I took a step back and asked myself “Why is this happening to us?” We don’t generally fight, but we couldn’t seem to have a conversation where it didn’t end this way. That’s when a spontaneous conversation with a friend, Bill Hill, changed the course of how my husband and I have communicated with one another ever since.

Unfortunately, at the time, Bill and his wife were going through a divorce. In just trying to sort out his feelings about what went wrong he mentioned a personality-type test that he and his wife had done years ago. I can’t remember what the test was called. It doesn’t really matter at this point. What was intriguing to me was that the test essentially helped couples to understand how they connected to people, breaking things down into three categories of mind, body and spirit. © 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved

It was a few days after this conversation that I created the game “Connection Points.”

© 2008 - Brianna Sylver - All rights reserved